Constantly feeling used and abused

Hi there, my name is Caden and my story is nothing but kinda short. I’ve had alot of mental issues for the last 5-6 years of my life. It started when I was sexually abused by my girlfriend back in 7th grade. I have issues socializing with people because I had became so depressed and suicidal. When she let go of me, I couldn’t handle it. I regretted so much and wish I could’ve taken it all back. My dad kicked me out. And I felt used and abused. It still happens to this day, I occasionally try to kill myself and everytime I’ve tried I’ve either turned away or the gun jammed. I have issues talking to anybody about this because I just end up getting upset and crying for hours. I’m just wanting to let go.

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That just doesn’t go away. You just have to find a way to make those thoughts/voices into static or background noise. It is hard to do.

The question is do you want to be around people because the one thing you’ll have to sacrifice is security. I learned this lesson. When you’re hurt & damaged. Your security is gone and you find comfort in being alone. Yet that loneliness is like being in a storm with no noise. An enveloping space or vacuum that seems to smother you. Being around people lessen this feeling. Yet it grows your anxiety if you don’t trust people. When you’re hurt & damage usually the one thing you don’t do is trust people. So the question you have to answer is “Can I handle being alone?” If you need at times to be around people than you have to sacrifice insured security.

It sounds horrid because you are hurt and it seems impossible to find good in people when someone has hurt you to that point. All that is sacrificed is stable security though. Not security in all. People can be pretty unpredictable. They can hurt you in the worse ways & half the time they don’t intend to. I personally can’t tell which is worse having someone harm you that intended to or someone that did yet had no intention to.(I guess it depends.)

You will find people like what are in this community that don’t intend to hurt you and will be helpful. Most of them can relate. (Do I relate? I do. What ways? I’m not ready to hash it all out.)

Caden this community knows something about Love. If that is what you lack and hope to find a community where you may belong or at least be loved. This is the place.

Caden what I want to say to you is that you are worthy. You are not a waste of space or breath. I hope one day you will believe in your worth. (I want this for everyone even myself) I hope good times come your way.

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hey @Augustburnsredfan58 ,
im so sorry this had to happen. and im sorry your own father kicked you out for this. Talking to people how you feel may be so hard but it easy you just took your first step by coming here telling us theres something wrong.
but please dont kill your self. that may be a permanite solution but . that and i mean that can be changed. you came here telling us what happened. you are loved no matter what.
there was a time where i kinda didnt feel safe because i felt like i had to watch my back 24/7 because the person who made me feel like this, did a thing i didnt like … and it took awhile for him to know to stop it.

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I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No one deserves it. Thank you for posting.
I was assaulted at the start of the year by someone I was supposed to trust and for so long I refused to trust anyone. I’ve suffered with suicidal thoughts my whole life pretty much - attempted many times since I was 15 years old. You’re not alone, you’re not weird for feeling this. I get the feeling unsafe. It’s so hard when you have no where to go…
I feel unsafe in my house all the time. My family are abusive. I’ve started dealing with it through having a place (in my case, a group chat with a support network i’ve set up) where i can just let out all my fears and how i’m feeling. By putting my headphones on and blocking out whenever I can. I’ve gotten so much solace from this community even when the place i live isn’t overly safe. It’s hard, but this is a safe place, no one here will hurt you. I haven’t attempted more than maybe 3 times since I joined this community which is amazing for me - I was attempting every few months before. You’re not lost - you’re not too far down. You’re doing the right thing being here. Keep going!

Hold Fast
Kayla

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Hey there Caden,

I am so, so sorry about everything that has happened… I know I don’t exactly have the right words to say or anything like that, but gosh, I am just so glad you’re here. I am so glad that you reached out. We are here to love and support you and be a community to you. Please know that you are not alone, and that you are so courageous and strong- hold fast! You are unconditionally loved.

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You are definitely not alone! Just by sharing your experiences and how they are affecting you, you are showing great strength and helping others to know they are also not alone. I’m truly glad you’re still in the world. :purple_heart:

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That’s hard, man - I’m sorry you had such a hard path. I know, it sounds like a platitude because I’m a survivor of sexual abuse myself.

My advice, from practical experience, is to find a therapist. Not a psychiatrist who will medicate your problems away, but a psychologist who can help you heal. It’s hard to trust, believe me, i know, but once you start talking to them, you can start to put down some of the weight you’re carrying. You might also want to find a trusted friend and let them hold onto your gun for a short time.

There are lots of resources out there for help, and a therapist should be able to help you plug into them, get some social support, meet new people (no, you aren’t alone!), help you get on your feet again. And as strange as it sounds, you might just be better off without your father,

Reach out anytime if you need someone to talk to.

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Hey Caden,

Earlier this year I had issues talking to people. I was afraid that I would say something wrong and not have the confidence to add ‘actually, that’s not right, this is what I meant to say.’ I sometimes freeze up when I’m asked questions and either can’t think of an answer or answer really slowly while my brain tries to catch up.

I still have those issues, but one of the things I did to help myself was to put some important things down on paper so that I could give it to someone and they could understand and ask some questions around that. It felt a lot less awkward and didn’t take as much effort on my part to convey what I needed to.

So if you don’t feel like you’re going to be able to get through a conversation like that, try writing down what you need to say. If you feel like you’re going to have trouble verbalising what you’ve written, pass your notes to them instead, otherwise you can use your notes to remind yourself how to get through this particular conversation.

If it helps, consider that a lot of the conversations we have every day are essentially scripts. “Good morning” followed by “Hey, how are you?” followed by “Pretty good, and you?” and then “Yeah, I’m good.” Stuff like this might seem very banal but it actually offers a chance to reaffirm the old connections that we have with people. Don’t be afraid to hijack that and say 'Actually, this thing happened and I feel quite bad." Okay, so not everyone is going to expect that, but the first thought of most people is likely to be ‘okay, is there some way I can help them with this?’

Just by coming to this forum and posting here, you’ve taken a leap of faith and invested hope that someone can help you. There aren’t any easy fixes, but maybe with the experiences and knowledge of the people here, you can find a way forward to the next day, and the day after that. At the very least, it’s much less intense talking with people on a forum.

Let’s start with your dad kicking you out.

I don’t know why he did that, but I’m going to assume that you and him aren’t really on speaking terms.because of it. Which is totally understandable - you were going through a tough time and then someone who you felt you could depend on let you down, left you with nowhere to live, no support.

That’s pretty rough. But you’re still here. How have you adapted since your dad kicked you out? How have you been living? Who has been supporting you?

First of all, if someone is supporting you, they are someone that you can depend on, at least for a few things. So look at your relationship with them. How could you get in tighter with them, help them out? Maybe you can offer your time to watch their pets, for example.

The reason I suggest this is because when you get something from someone else and they don’t get anything back from you (that you know of) then it can feel like it’s a one-sided relationship and it can lead to you feeling guilty about them doing so much for you when you can’t do anything for them.

Maybe they’re actually doing fine and they don’t need a favour from you in return. Maybe them working to support you is not the one-way street you think it is. But being able to say ‘Look, I noticed that you need this. Can I help you out?’ is really great for your self-esteem, even if they say ‘Nah, it’s cool, I’ve got it.’

I guess how you’ve been living since your dad kicked you out is a quality of life thing. Are you actually better off without him, in some way? Do you feel the need to talk to him, even if things ended badly? You don’t have to, but maybe there are things that have been left unsaid since you last saw him face to face.

If someone is supporting you now, you can weigh the support they give you now against the support your dad used to give you. Maybe you’re not in as good a situation right now, but you have far better terms with whoever is supporting you right now.

I left home a while back. Back then I constantly butted heads with my stepdad, my mum, and even my brother. I got my own place, and being able to do my own thing without someone constantly disagreeing with me, putting me down, or making snarky comments was such a relief. Today, I have a much better relationship with my mum and my brother. I see them usually at the weekend, but I can still have the weekend to myself if I want to. My mum messages me every day to see how I am.

Adapting to life outside the parental home can be pretty tough. Every now and then I think that it’s kind of strange that I have my own place, but you know, it has helped me to develop my own routine. Routine is something which is often forced on you when you live with parents, but having some kind of structure to your day is a good thing.

With me being quite absent-minded, I have to set reminders to do things so that they get done. I also use a to-do list. I feel that the to-do list is really useful for breaking down complicated tasks into manageable parts. It helps to create a path of simple accomplishments leading to greater things.

I’ll let someone else pick it up from there, but I hope you’re feeling encouraged by all the responses and you find something useful to help you out right now or in the future.

Take care,

M

It is very inspiring, thank you all so much. And we are talking again, but he has issues with Bipolar and i understand now. Thank you so very much <3

Hey it’s ok!! I just appreciate you responding to me, you don’t know how much that means to me