Hi friends. Haven’t posted in awhile because I thought I was doing well…Well it turns out I’m not doing so well now. Just recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder along with having severe anxiety, MDD (major depression disorder), ADHD, and some learning disabilities. Now I’ve known about the anxiety and depression, ADHD, and learning disabilities but the BPD is new and I’m struggling to accept it. I just don’t know why I had to have these many issues, I feel a deep pit of shame which I know sounds silly as its out of my control but it’s how I’ve been feeling.
Now, I’m also struggling financially because I am currently unemployed and have been for a loooooong time. Everytime I would get a job, I wouldn’t stick with it and end up quitting within 24 hours. I am currently in therapy to chat about why I do this, but it makes me feel like shit when my parents who I live with constantly hound me for paying my bills, and I totally understand that, but I wish they (my parents) were a bit lenient as it’s hard to do anything nowadays without going into a deep spiral of anxiety/depression/disassociation.
I did get some good news though as of recent, but once again, my parents don’t approve and would rather see me work but I simply can’t because of the current state that my mind is in. So, the news is that I could apply for income assistance (with help from my therapist and a community support worker) and I could apply for housing. As long as I’m getting help, I don’t see what’s so bad about being put on income assistance. Because I simply can’t work and my bills are stacking up quite frankly. I have some close friends that have been up to date with my situation and they’re excited for me! I just wish my parents weren’t so skeptical. This is also why I’m excited to get out on my own. To be independent and not be constantly criticized. Like, okay, I get it, you’d rather see me work and earn my money that way but honestly since I can’t what are my other options?
I’m also having a tough time with my relationship. So, I got back together with my now fiancee again, and we’re not having any trouble, but I am constantly being criticized yet again for going back with him and I just wish people would shut the fuck up about business that’s not their own. I am just so so so tired, and I wish things would lighten up already because I don’t know how much longer I can take of this. I’m not suicidal or in any risk of harming myself, but man, I am so tired of this pain and faking a smile everyday.
I would love to hear some advice or anything that may be of help!
I look forward to reading your comments.
Hey, Sage. Thank you for sharing!
The stigma around mental health conditions can really, really hurt us - even when we’re trying to get help and find ways to deal with things such that we can lead full lives. It can be difficult to maintain a positive inner monologue, so please keep in mind that such conditions do Not define you.
We’ll continue to root for you!
Thank you for sharing this with us. All this news sounds so stressful and it’s understandable that it would cause many emotions to come about. I also can understand how it would be hard to accept a new diagnosis – even those feelings of shame make sense (though, as you seem to “consciously” know, there is no shame in a mental health diagnosis).
I’d like to focus on the part of your topic that mentions your parents. I’d imagine that not being able to work takes a toll on its own – parents nagging you about this makes things so much worse. With that said, I’m glad that you’re looking into other options for paying your bills – the income assistance program sounds like a wonderful opportunity, and I hope you recognize that there isn’t any shame in accepting that help (regardless of anything your parents may say).
The exhaustion you’re expressing is also normal when you’re put under so much stress, especially after recently receiving negative news. With that said, I have faith in you and am so glad that you’re sharing this with us.
The unfortunate thing about diagnosis’s is that although they attach labels to people, they can’t accurately predict how each individual is able to manage the symptoms, or even overcome them to a great extent. One thing is certain, your symptoms are exacerbated by parents and others who have unrealistic expectations of you. Although I seriously doubt that they intend to, I think your parents are making your symptoms worse. Rather than hounding you, they should be encouraging you.
Your therapist may be able to help you decide which kind of employment is best for you. However, holding a steady job may not be an option until your mental health issues improve.
Do not procrastinate about applying for income and housing assistance. Start making calls immediately.
It isn’t likely they will shut up unless you convince them that you will no longer tolerate their attempts to manage your business. Sometimes the only way to get away from that kind of harassment is to physically remove yourself from their presence.
Even if your fiancé isn’t a good match for you, by interfering, your parents are making it take longer for you to figure that out. It’s not that unusual that couples stay together out of stubborn resistance to their families efforts to break them up.
Ask your therapist about relaxation techniques and mindfulness. I suspect that if you can take some time every day to calm and clear your mind, you will feel better.
You will not always be stuck in your current circumstances, but it’s your motivation and actions that will bring about change.
It sucks that you’ve been diagnosed with BPD, but its also a good thing. It’s good because BPD is the most treatable of the personality disorders and with the right treatment, you can actually recover from it. DBT therapy and talk therapy are great and you can also look up videos about BPD from Dr Fox on YouTube. He taught me coping skills before I even started therapy, so you will learn a lot from watching his videos if you choose to.
Yeah BPD sucks and it takes a lot of work to get better, but it is treatable, so there is hope. <3
gosh I can imagine that having this new diagnosis could be frightening to start with. The uncertainty of something new. What I do hope is that although there is some anxiety and some uncertainty, that having this new information will help you understand you a little more. Maybe during this process there will be moments where “oh that makes so much sense” comes up. I hope that it alleviates stress for you.
I personally think is absolutely brilliant that you’re able to apply for income assistance and housing! Some times if people haven’t experienced even one of the things you deal with, they don’t get the full picture of how it affects someone. It could be easy for them to look out on the situation and say “but you have support so just do xyz”. Oh if it were that simple, people wouldn’t need all the resources and support available for those types of difficulties! So glad to hear from you, I do hope that you are feeling better x