Hi my name is Kaylee, I used to come on here years ago to share my mental health struggles. Lately my mental health has not been the greatest. I live with my mom. I’m 29 almost 30 and she controls my life. We recently got 2 puppies and I’ve been their caregiver by myself while she works. I can’t work or see my friends and if I do she gets mad at me. She said I’m not allowed to have more fun than her. I take care of the house too, cook, clean, take care of the dogs, my cat, and run her errands while she works from home everyday. Her controlling tendencies have gotten so bad within the last 2 years. I want to live with my brother and she gets really upset about it. Tells me I am not capable of living on my own because I have a learning disability. She makes me feel so worthless that I can’t do anything right. Even when I take time for myself she gets mad. She watches the dogs for like 2 hrs on the weekends and then dumps them on me. I have no freedom. I was so happy living my life how I wanted to but now I can’t. I can’t even tell her how this makes me feel because she brings up the past, blames it all on me and says I’m the problem when I do literally EVERYTHING for her. I’ve gotten called ungrateful and selfish all because I want some freedom to spend time with my friends and my dad. She can’t talk to me in a calming manner without lashing out. I suggested we go to therapy or I take some time away from her and she didn’t like that idea. She said I can go and never come back. How can I grow as an adult if she constantly controls my life and blows up my phone asking when I’m coming home?
I never come online I try to handle my own issues but this is getting out of hand and I can’t afford therapy so I’m hoping someone could help me or at least offer some advice on how to set some healthy boundaries?
I just feel like I’m not heard or appreciated by her. I feel like a house wife who gets no freedom. She doesn’t help me with chores and it’s just too much for me mentally.
That’s a really hard one! It’s especially hard when the mom is really good at manipulating through the use of guilt.
Of course she would get upset if you talk about moving in with your brother. Then she would have to take care of herself and her dogs.
As far as boundaries goes, I think it’s best if you calmly and clearly state them, then if necessary, put in some earplugs so you don’t have to hear her fuss.
I left home at a really young age and didn’t come back even for a visit for many months. When I did, my mom sounded a lot like how you describe yours. I got to the point where as soon as she started being obnoxious, I would just leave. I did this several times, and finally she learned to talk nicely to me, at least most of the time.
I think once she realizes she could lose you, she might settle down and appreciate you a bit more.
Puppies do take a lot of work and when you have to spend a lot of the time that you’re normal used to having for yourself taking care of them, it can get frustrating. I’m sorry that your mother doesn’t help very much with that and treats you the way she does. It’s not fair at all.
I hope you are doing better today. Each day the puppies will grow until they don’t need so much attention and you will be able to breathe and do the things you like again. You matter!
Kaylee, Welcome back to Heart Support. I’m glad you decided to come back. I wanted to check and see how you are doing. How are you handling the puppies? Have they started to get better at the whole training them thing? Puppies can be so intense when they are little and you first get them. You have to potty them constantly, clean up after them, keep them out of trouble. They really do take a lot of time, don’t they? The good thing is that with time, they do grow up and become a bit easier to care for.
It sounds like you and your mom are both feeling stressed right now. Is there a way to talk with her that lets her know you understand that she is also under stress? Sometimes finding common ground can help. You aren’t in an easy place right now and I understand the frustration. Please let us know how you are doing. You matter.
Good to meet you, Just checking in to see how things are? Upon reading your post I can certainly understand how it can be difficult being at home with mum as you have gotten older and would like your own space to do what you want but your learning disabilities have held you back.
Its never easy sharing a space with any other person even if you do love them, there will always be conflict of some sort, its human nature, we all want to do our own things sometimes and it doesnt always coincide with the other persons.
There has to be a way that you can both make compromises in order to steady the relationship and bring you back closer, maybe even write out a shedule of what you each need to do in order to keep eachother satisfied, that way you both know what to expect and there need be no arguments. Sadly growing up and being around other adults is like this. You will sort it I am sure. Best of luck Lisa. x