Controlling, narcissistic behaviour, bullying

Hello everyone,

I am here to get guidance and hopefully have my questions answered. I have conflicting thoughts on how I should view and think of this person I dated for 3 years. We are no longer together, but when I was with him, he made me feel depressed, unhappy, always pointed out my flaws, made me feel guilty and that anything that went wrong was because of me.

He lied to me and hid things from me, which I never thought he would truly do, as I always thought better of him, but after I found out he was on a dating app, and how he cheated on me twice or more, I no longer felt I truly knew him. I guess you all get the picture and where I am going with this. I tried all I could do to make him know he is loved, to not be so cold and to open up. I tried everything to help him, but I guess you can’t always help everyone.

What I want help with is how I can get over my conflicting thoughts for this person, and how I can view this person. I know everyone deserves to know they are loved etc, but when someone has been so mean, such as to mock at me for crying as I lost a pet, whilst we was dating, it makes it hard for me to be understanding, and how I could potentially try to be understanding of such people in the future.

How and what should you do and think when it comes to these types of people? I want to do and think the best humanly as possible. I always gave him love and care, but that never seemed to be enough, as his words and actions were always so painful. I will admit, after a lot of his hurtful comments and actions, I did retaliate and made poor choices of words and actions, but at the time I just had enough and couldn’t understand how someone who is suppose to love you could treat you in such a way.

If anyone can help with this issue I am having, and help put me at ease, I would be so grateful.

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Honestly, this person doesn’t sound like a healthy person to even be involved in. He sounds hurtful and toxic. Someone who brings you down like that doesn’t deserve your time and energy. I understand your desire to want to show people that they are loved. I am the same way, but we shouldn’t spend our energy and love on people who don’t appreciate it and hurt us. You don’t really have to view him as any way, really. Other than seeing that he is not good to you or for you and you deserve better. Disassociate with people who treat you like that. You don’t have to treat them poorly in return, just simply don’t include them in your social media, time and contacts.

I had to get rid of a lot of people who just brought me down.

As far as those types of people. Same thing. If you run into people like this, remove them from your social circles. From your contacts and off of your friends list. You should surround yourself with people that are healthier. That support you, lift you up, encourage you and promote healthy relationships.

I’ve had to clean out my friends list many times. It can be a lonely feeling at times, but I rather be in contact with a few good people than several people that are unhealthy and hurtful.

You deserve to be treated better. You are important and valued. Spend time around those who remind you of that. <3

  • Kitty
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Some points:

  1. All those things that you say about people needing love also applies to you.
  2. Even if everyone deserves to feel like they are loved, you don’t need to be the person who tells this man that he is loved.
  3. Put all the negative hurtful things he did on your phone and walk away. If you feel like turning around, look at the list on your phone and consider how if you couldn’t get him to open up then, you won’t be able to get him to open up now.
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Hey Saffron,

First I want to say welcome, and that I am so glad that you are here, and that you reached out about what you are going through. I want you to know that your story matters, and so do you! We want to be here to walk along side you and help you through whatever you are going through, because we believe in you, and you deserve to be loved.

It’s hard loving people that have hurt us, or believing that those who have hurt us and done us wrong deserve love and support, but the truth is that they do. And I see that you recognize that. You recognizing that alone, shows me that you are an amazing person! So now it’s like how do you take these ill feelings, and know that they are loved, and it seems nearly impossible. I struggle with this a lot. So I also want to emphasize that you are not alone in feeling this way!

I don’t really have advice on how to change those feelings, I know what I do is that I pray for that person, and let me tell you that it’s not easy at all. But that’s what I’ve been trying to do, is praying for those people, and asking for God to give me peace and guidance in those situations.

I just want you to know, as I’ve experienced similar situations in relationships, that I want to assure you that you deserve better than that. Don’t feel like this is your fate, because it’s not at all! You deserve better, you deserve a happy loving relationship! Know that I’m praying for you, and that we care about you so much! Don’t ever give up!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It!

Love Always,
Monkey

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Thank you for your reply,

That has really helped me, and I am sorry you had to deal with some unpleasant people in the past. I feel more better and more understanding on what I should do and think, so thank you very much for taking the time to write that. That is really helpful.

Saffron

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Thank you,

Those points are helpful, and are what I needed to hear, because they are definitely true. It’s just hard to tell yourself that, which is why it’s helpful when someone else says it.

Saffron

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Thank you for that Monkey,

That is so kind and lovely what you said. I understand completely on what you are saying. It is hard to love and to try and pray for people who are not so loving in return, but I know being mean and horrible will not do any favours. Which is why I am seeking help and guidance here. Thank you for showing care and support, that does mean a lot to me. So thank you for that.

I will try to take the time and remember to pray for people like this person I once was in contact with. I hope one day he will become a better version of himself, but I also have to understand that being in contact with someone like that, did made me feel in a bad place, and it is always important to be happy for myself too.

Sometimes I just need some advice, kind words and some honest points to help me with such things in life, even if I may know a fair amount, it makes life easier knowing there is people who I can talk to.

Again, thank you Monkey.

Saffron

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Of course! Glad to help. I’ve been there so I understand. Filtering isn’t always easy. But you’ll feel so much better!

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Very true, it’s not easy, but always feel better after. :heart:

Saffron

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