Controlling when I don't want to be

Jealousy and anxiety, and the curse of my creative imagination makes me unconsciously controlling. I have a friend, who I caught feelings for, and I feel like I am being super controlling, but it’s the last thing I want to be. I understand that girls can have guy friends, but because of past trauma and experiences, my mind likes to jump to the most creative and unlikely situations that can occur in an opposite-sex friendship. The other day, the girl hung out with her lady friend and guy friend who both worked with her. She posted it to her snapchat story and this got me really mad, anxious, and scared. I got super pissed at her, even though she did nothing wrong. I just wish she’d stay home and only talk to me, but obviously that is super toxic and controlling, so it’s something I would never and will never enforce, but boy do I wish i could. I know what it’s like to be controlling, but I try my best to avoid it. Instead, I just weep and have anxiety attacks all the time at home because I let my thoughts get to me. I let them think of the craziest situations that she could possibly be in with this guy. But hey, at least I’m not telling her NOT to hang out with HER friends. My trauma isn’t her responsibility.

I wish I didn’t have trust issues, trauma, or horrible anxiety. I wish I was never lied to, betrayed, or cheated on in the past.

I just need words of encouragement. It’s gotten to the point where I’m afraid to talk to girls because I am afraid of catching feelings and then having pure anxiety and endless thoughts about them next.


I don’t have any great words of wisdom, I just want to say I get it. I’ve been cheated on too. Each time, I told myself it couldn’t be true even when I felt it in my gut. Each time, my gut was right. I don’t know what the balance is. Being controlling is bad, but it’s a reflex to keep you from getting hurt.

If she was your girlfriend, I’d say have a talk about boundaries. My wife and I drew clear boundaries with our platonic friends. Since she’s just a friend you’ve caught feelings for, if you can’t manage jealousy, I’d suggest letting her go. I’ve had to do it before. It sucked, but I was just subjecting myself to hurt I had no say in, and the reality was I was in the friendship for the wrong reasons anyway. Letting that friend go was extremely liberating in the end.


I was watching a relationship reality show (yes, reality shows are my guilty pleasure lol) and someone said something that really struck me.

When we enter a new relationship after having been thru bad ones we tend to bring our baggage into it. We judge our new partner based on our baggage and we don’t let that person show us who they are and let them love us.

Just something to ponder. Are the problems you’re having just baggage from a previous relationship?

Then again, you need to be able to trust your partner too and if they do things to mess that up, then maybe they aren’t your person.



Sounds like you’re on the cusp of learning so much about yourself. I’m so proud of you for being able to change the perspective and recognize the behaviours that are toxic and unhealthy, and for also knowing that they’re from past traumas. It’s good that you haven’t tried to control her actions and are reaching out here.

This part really got me. It’s not even about the girl really, but the traumas you still experience. I’m so sorry you had to go through those, but really hopeful that you can find a way to work through those!


I hope I can as well. Thank you so much.

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