I don’t even know why am I writing this, in my eyes I am beyond help. I hate myself, I really do - I hate the way I look, I hate the way I think, I hate things that I like, I hate the way I talk, I hate the way I move… This is not a metaphor, I hate everything about myself and I cant think of any positive trait that I have. I an 25 years old, I failed my college, I have never been with a woman, nobody has ever loved me except my family who loved me just for the fact I was born, I walk with a limp, I have barely any friends, I have barely any skills, I am unattractive and boring, I am also weird; I mean all of these, I have weird fetishes, I have unusual sexual likings, physically I am not attractive - I have no redeeming qualities and I am going to die alone. I have many embarrassing features I don’t mention to people, people don’t really know about them, but I know society’s opinion about them.
Only reason I am alive is that I am coward and I don’t have enough willpower to finally end it. I have no reason to think that anything will ever change - I tried various medications and after each of them I was coming to the same conclusion: I am still the same loser I always was, I am just less sad about it. There was nothing to be happy about, nothing changed, I was still a very low quality human.
It is stupid but when I was a little boy I dreamt about things like finding love, like being succesfull; all my dreams died by now and I hope I will die soon too. I am sorry.
Those things are just what society tells you are needed to be “successful.” Chasing after those are like chasing after the wind; you can never catch it, and all you will end up being is exhausted, never fulfilled.
Whether you have them or not, those things don’t bring you value. Your value is found in other things— things that you probably take for granted about yourself. I don’t know you, but I am 100% sure you have a unique skill or trait that you bring to the table. And furthermore, you have undeniable intrinsic value in God, who crafted you in His own image, and knows each and every hair on your body.
But I understand how you feel. Ages 13-18 for me just seemed like a cycle of wanting to end it all, and then scolding myself for not being “brave” enough to pull the trigger. And then the cycle would go on and on and it made me feel so incredibly exhausted at all times. I didn’t want to reach out to anyone because I didn’t want to risk making anyone feel anything like how I felt.
But then it ended. No fanfair or anything. I didn’t even notice that I was doing better for a long while. We tend to take the good things in life for granted and overexpose the bad things. Even in the depths of that period, I still found joy. I still loved my dog and I loved the smiles of loved ones. I just took them for granted and assigned little value to those things in my mind.
My point is, these things end. They don’t last forever. I promise you that. Take joy in what makes you truly happy. For me, I started with my dog, who always brings me joy, even when I’m wallowing in despair.
Quite ironically, the poem I was obsessed with while I was obsessed with my own death was “Let It Enfold You” by Charles Budowski. In it, he writes alot about how terrible and pointless life is, but just at the last stanza, he remarks about the simple wonders of life that keep him going. It took me ~6 years to realize that— that no matter how nihilistic I can get about my life, there is still joy and value to be found; you just have to keep an open eye for it.
Love you, friend. I hope comfort finds you soon.
Austin
We all have things about ourselves that we don’t like or wish we could change. But that doesn’t mean that we are flawed. It just means that we are different. We are all unique. And that’s okay!
I know things are hard right now. But know that you matter. You are valuable. You have purpose.
Keep dreaming those dreams you had when you were a little boy. They are still there. You have it in you to achieve these things. It may just take longer than you think.
There is always hope, friend. Never give up on that.