Crashed after a manic episode

[Rosethorn]

I exploded yesterday. I’m diagnosed bipolar and my therapist told me I’ve been going through mania these past weeks. I ve had nights where I don’t sleep, I ve been obsessing about the past and the future, getting a lot done during the day, questioning the reality of my existence/who I am, checking if I left things on at night such as the stove(even if im not sure I used it), hearing cars outside at night and being paranoid if they are trying to come to my house, feeling like I can accomplish so much…and then two nights ago I unraveled after an intense amount of overthinking.

My parents tested positive for the virus. Last week I buried my grandmother. Two weeks ago I lost both of my jobs. Everyone I care about it is becoming distant.
I’ve been working on one relationship in particular with someone I love very much…he’s also diagnosed bipolar. We have a past where we hurt each other… but we took a lot of time these past months talking and things have felt wonderful and we help each other mentally.
I have an intense fear of never seeing him again. Especially since I moved two hours away.
It’s been making me extra clingy. He has a daughter who’s been in his care more and hasn’t been responding as much.
I got in my head and while things were unraveling, I exploded on him.
I hate myself for it.
Especially during a time where there are so many other things I should be worrying about.
I apologized obsessively a million times. It doesn’t feel good enough.
I went for a long drive yesterday, laid in bed and watched tv for hours and got drunk off a bottle of wine.
Getting drunk is a bad idea for me. It usually makes me think of depressing thoughts, wanting to hurt myself, etc.
I feel so guilty for acting out. I might have ruined things. I got so insecure and I’m embarrassed.i look like a fool. It doesn’t feel like me. I just lose all control and obsess and want to fix and obsess. If anyone has advice, I’d appreciate it. I don’t want to be on here to just complain. I do want to make things better. It just feels hopeless when you’re in a destructive mode.
I talked to my therapist today and that helped a little. We re planning to schedule an appointment soon

[Tyler777]

I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you lately considering the events in your life. Simply expressing your thoughts in such detail and expressing is the first step to a hopeful future. Stay strong and continue reaching out like you have been. You are not alone.

[Micro]

Hey @Rosethorn,

That’s a lot to handle at the same time. I know it’s tough, but you’ll make it through. You’ve been posting here for several months now, sharing about the way you are learning to deal with the effects of bipolar, your relationships issues with the person you mentioned here, also your job. And you made a lot of progress already.

You keep trying and fighting, which is awesome. But it’s true that the circumstances right now are not easy with all the covid stuff, and I hope you find ways to take care of yourself despite all of this. Starting by getting rid of your alcohol. You know it’s a temporary relief and, in regards of your manic episodes and the obstacles piling up, it won’t bring anything good to you. You’re already aware of this, so it’s a good thing. The step that follows now is to choose healthier solutions, better possibilities to relax rather than this. You can still be in control in regards of the choices you make in your life right now and how you treat yourself.

I hope, with all my heart, that your parents will be okay. I’m also deeply sorry for the loss of your grandmother… Sorry to hear that you lost your jobs as well. It’s tough. And those are massive changes in your life right now that can be hard to process for the moment. But it’s great to hear that you’re still in contact with your therapist. I hope it will give you some strength to go through this weird season. Keep being honest about what’s happening in your life. Keep reaching out. It’s important not to isolate yourself in this situation. Know that it’s always okay to vent, to express what you need and to reach out. You’re not alone right now.

Hold fast.