Life is strange.
For years I have been single, I have been fine with it. Doesn´t bother me…but that´s because I really didn´t get to miss those things people in relationship have because I have never ever felt it. But things did change a few weeks ago. I met someone, we had fun, we bonded, we were close but it was meant to be only like that and nothing more. It was in the small things people with close connections don´t understand. Like I got to sit close to somebody, feel their warmth, heartbeat, soul. It was heartening. I didn´t even know I was missing something like that because it happens to me rarely. And now it is again gone. Maybe because I did nothing to keep it moving, maybe because it was not meant to be.
This worries me. The sadness of loneliness is sweeping in again. It might grow to unbareable levels as it was before. Almost 2 years ago I almost tried to commit suicide. It´s a “funny” story.
I was out with friends. But I still had the feeling of being alone although I was in a group of people. The sadness of going home alone, waking up alone and it repeating forever. I left the party feeling sad. Walking home I thought of going to the hospital to get help but I didn´t. I went home. As I laid in my bed before going to sleep the thoughts kept on rolling. In the end it started to overwhelm me. I started to look for the quick exit. As I have thought about suicide for over a year I knew my plan. It is and will always be pills. As I studied medicine my hope was for something for the endless sleep but in that moment only thing I had was xxxx. I started counting. I counted not enough. I thought It might be enough, maybe not. I decided if I am going to do it I will not play around. This is not enough. In my despair I started to look around for some more. I found my other medicine which includes more xxx. With those I still did not have enough for my despaired mind, I cried myself to sleep.
As I woke up I saw all the readied up things on my bed. Still standing right next to me, ready to be consumed. I was happy and sad in the same moment. Happy that I had not done it out of despair, sad that my life did not change. It is still going to suck going on forward…
With that story I feel that what´s happening now is dangerous. It is ok at the moment but in weeks? months? As I will be leaving my country to work abroad the fear might be justified. I might not have a lot of friends and might only have social interactions once a week, once a fortnight but its still something. Pretending is hard, but it is easier with friends around you sharing their happiness with you. Lets see what this strange life brings.
Going with the start of this short sad story time to charge up the depression-mill of Tinder and go for nothing! Might even get the closeness I despair for in the end.
Thank you for reading. This is actually the first time I share anywhere my almost sad ending story.
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Hi friend.
First of all, welcome to Heart Support! I’m glad that you took the time to reach out and share your mind with us. I know sometimes that is not always very easy.
It’s always hard when we find those feelings and connections with someone and it doesn’t work out. Having companionship feels good, so it’s never easy letting that go and adjusting to not having it.
I can also relate to feeling alone even if there are people around. Both in friendship and relationships. For a lot of my previous marriage, I felt alone even though he was always around me. I felt more alone IN my relationship than I did OUT of it. And there have been many times where I was in groups of people and still I had a large sense of loneliness and emptiness filling me. That’s not funny or silly. Its natural and you’d be suprised how many other people go through that. You are def not alone in that.
I think we should be careful not to use specific medication names on these forums for the safety of everyone, but I can relate to that entire situation. I have overdosed and been hospitalized multiple times in my life. I was just 13 or 14 the first time I attempted my life. It’s a scary process. I know. Each time I came through it. And there are many times I wanted to do something but I was too afraid. I battled with hating myself and not wanting to live but I was equally afraid of death. I was afraid of pain and struggle.
I’m sorry friend that you are battling so much hurt right now. Going abroad can be scary but it can also be a really healthy thing. But if there is any type of counseling when you go, I recommend you take advantage of that. So that you can have a safe place to work with and guide you as you work away from home.
And know that Heart Support is always here to listen. Even if it takes a while for us to respond. We are always a safe place for you to mind dump. To be yourself. There is no judgement here. You matter. How you are doing and how you are feeling matters. It’s important that you express yourself and not bottle it up. So if you need, know that we are here. And you are welcome to join us in any of the Heart Support streams on Twitch! Let me know if you need all of their links and you are welcome to join our discord! Let me know if you need that link also.
Here you are part of the family. You are not alone. I hope that you find peace and healing in your journey. Strength and courage to keep going
Hold fast.
Thank you for your response!
Changed the names out yesterday, just didn’t have to power to thank you for your message yet. It’s good to know that I’m never alone in these struggles thanks to awesome people like you and also awesome forums like this. Typing my story out which has been in me for 2 years made me feel relieved. A dagger has been pulled out from my chest and now the real healing can begin. At least I feel like that right now, but if I start to have bigger troubles again I will be contacting professionals don’t worry! Thank you again for your response!
P.
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