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Crippling, chest-aching loneliness/hopelessness

Hey everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. This is going to be a long vent I guess, so if anyone reads this, thank you.

I feel so painfully alone, honestly. The holidays are coming and all the picture-perfect family gathering TV commercials are starting, going to the store and seeing all the happy, laughing, giggling families and friends buying thanksgiving preparations is making me feel so alone. I live with my parents and they’re the only family I really have but their marriage and thus the household is so toxic nobody can really get along, and when we do seem to be doing well it falls apart in weeks anyway because my mom can’t stand my dad and basically vice versa. I know it seems ungrateful, but it’s hard to enjoy family when it’s been nearly 7 years of dysfunction.

On top of this, I have no friends except for one who lives in an entirely different country than me and we’ve grown apart pretty far lately. I was wanting to make new friends, but with covid and the fact that I work from home it seems pretty bleak. I have bad social anxiety as well. When I try to make friends online by joining groups or something it seems like I’m just invisible, everyone already has their pre-determined cliques and friend groups, which is okay. I just wish I could feel a part of something.

I had friends but for some unfucking believably stupid reason I sabotaged all my friendships because I was convinced they were better off without me. Now look at me, I have nobody. Whenever something good happens I want to share it with someone, when something bad happens I want a shoulder to lean on. I don’t have that with anyone, not even my parents.

I keep asking myself and God why my life is going this way. I’m sure it’s something I’ve done, I haven’t been that great of a person. I’m selfish a lot of the time, I didn’t treat people the way they deserve. I just wish I could be someone with a happy, vibrant, healthy family that sees each other often, with a nice group of friends. I’m not even asking for a relationship. I just don’t want to feel so painfully alone.

I feel like there is no hope for me. I have no real decent family dynamics. I have no friends. I wake up, work, do my chores, shower, and go back to sleep to do it again. Over and over. That’s all I have. Sometimes it’s really enough, other times…I can’t handle it. I feel like when my parents eventually die I’m just going to end up killing myself because I have no one else in my life. My brother is nearly 40 married with two of his own kids. I’m 21, friendless, alone, never been kissed even. I’ve been trying to ignore my pain but it seems like trying to bury it in or use weed to mask it just makes it feel more apparent

Despite my loneliness, my life is getting a bit better. I got my drivers license this year, I just started my very first job. Yes, things are better in some ways, but I feel the same as I did 6 years ago in a lot of other ways. I just wish I had people to share the ups and the downs with and share theirs too.

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@GuitarSeal thank you for opening up and sharing your experience and feelings. Acknowledging your feelings and pain is a very healthy skill you have developed. The tone of your post shows that you have solid (and rare) introspective skills.

I’ve only been part of this community for less than a week, but it seems like a wonderful place for us to not be alone and to find hope and community.

You mentioned asking God why life is going this way, and I think a next good step could be to listen to His response. Some say that when you want to talk to God, pray; and when you want to hear Him speak to you, read the scriptures. Leaning into your faith in this way can be a powerful way to learn and grow and make good decisions.

Keep being part of this community. You belong with us.

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Thank you for your reply, it truly means a lot to me. Regrettably I am newly-religious or spiritual or whatever you want to call it and have been slacking on reading scripture I suppose. I will make a point to do that soon. Thank you.

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I’m struggling today too with temptations to relapse, so thank YOU for this conversation. Getting outside of my own head is very helpful. Let me know how the experience goes.

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I hope you can stay strong my friend. Reach out if ya need. Thanks for your help. :slight_smile:

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Hey @Guitarseal,

It’s good to see you! I actually remember that you were trying to get your driving license - congrats for it! Also congratulations for your first job. That’s some important accomplishments. The beginning of a new freedom.

I’m sorry you’ve been so alone and anxious though. This year has been rough so far, on so many aspects. I felt myself pretty alone and hopeless this year, even if I know that I am loved and I have people in my life who genuinely care. It’s just hard to shake those feelings, and so easy to trigger it, especially when changes happen in our relationships. With the current context in your family and the recent changes with your friends, it just makes sense to feel more isolated. Though you know you’ll always have a family right here and people who are willing to shoulder this heaviness with you. You are not alone, really. Honestly I was happy to see your familiar nickname again! Even if I wished it was in better circumstances for you.

I know it seems ungrateful, but it’s hard to enjoy family when it’s been nearly 7 years of dysfunction.

Please, know that it doesn’t sound ungrateful at all. You can love someone yet feel very frustrated by a situation. When an environment is toxic and is impacting us negatively, it’s absolutely okay to say that something’s wrong. It doesn’t question the love you can have for your parents. Sometimes, love is just better with a distance, even temporarily.

I’m sorry your parents can’t stand each other though. It’s hard to be in the middle of this when you still have to share the same space. I’m sure you’ve been doing your best despite this situation. Unfortunately there’s only so much you can do in this context.

The holidays are coming and all the picture-perfect family gathering TV commercials are starting, going to the store and seeing all the happy, laughing, giggling families and friends buying thanksgiving preparations is making me feel so alone.

I hear you on that one… My family is very small, we’re all living in three different countries and I decided to go into full no contact with my mom recently, which created some disturbance - so the ideal family depicted on TV commercials is definitely far from my own reality. It’s frustrating to hear about the beautiful values of Christmas, the joy of family celebrations or whatever, each year, when it feels like you don’t have access to it. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad moment or a reminder of what is not functioning. Maybe this could be an opportunity to open a new door, to celebrate and cherish the things that we actually have and we are grateful for. And why not, to celebrate the fact that we actually make it through this chaotic 2020 year. Just a symbolic time. A page to turn, a new one to write on. Celebrations should be what we’re willing to do with it, and not a pre-made recipe that would be thought by someone else. In any case, there is still time to think about it and to see how you could approach that moment of the year, just to make it a little more peaceful for you.

I was wanting to make new friends, but with covid and the fact that I work from home it seems pretty bleak. I have bad social anxiety as well. When I try to make friends online by joining groups or something it seems like I’m just invisible, everyone already has their pre-determined cliques and friend groups, which is okay. I just wish I could feel a part of something.

I can’t remember if you were used to come and say hi during HS streams, but maybe this could be a good opportunity to connect and meet new people. As for Discord: twitch.tv/heartsupport (schedule: https://heartsupport.simvoly.com/) - https://discord.gg/heartsupport.

Just a suggestion though! It’s pretty neat to see different streams and opportunities to discuss everything, or just have a good time while lurking a bit (*pro-lurker here).

My brother is nearly 40 married with two of his own kids. I’m 21, friendless, alone, never been kissed even.

Your brother is your brother. He’s living his own life, following his own way. He’s not the same age as you and both of your experiences are different. Which is okay. I hear that you’re longing for more connection, whether it’s through love, family, friendships. But as you said there’s also a context. Between your parents arguments, covid/lockdowns, anxiety, it’s a lot to deal with. A lot of things that can make you feel like it’s holding you back. But the circumstances right now are not saying anything about your capacity to create new bonds with people, to live more than just work/sleep/work. Indeed, there’s more to experience than this. But it’s also absolutely okay to move on at your own pace. One step at a time. It’s also okay to be more kind to yourself when times are more difficult.

Your life is not over because of your amount of friendships, dating experiences, or because of your family situation. And you’re certainly not doomed to be stuck in what certainly feels like some kind of rut right now. There’s a lot of different cycles in one life. Different crossroads, opportunities, events of all kinds. You are not doomed to feel stuck in the same situation or patterns, friend. And actually, pointing out the things that are creating some kind of frustration holds the potential to create the changes that are necessary in your life.

I keep asking myself and God why my life is going this way. I’m sure it’s something I’ve done, I haven’t been that great of a person. I’m selfish a lot of the time, I didn’t treat people the way they deserve. I just wish I could be someone with a happy, vibrant, healthy family that sees each other often, with a nice group of friends. I’m not even asking for a relationship.

Oh friend, this is deeply relatable to me. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me and can’t help imagining if everything was more simple, if anxiety didn’t exist, if I could push my fears away. If only I could only share smiles, good news, to be vibrant and able to share that energy with people I love…

This thought is a trap though. When we’re struggling, it’s so tempting to beat ourselves up, to hold on to what we don’t have and create some kind of resentment towards ourselves. But that’s not fair. If you see someone falling in front of you, you’re not going to tell them: “you loser! why can’t you just be better?”. You would ask them if they’re okay and eventually hold their hand to help them get back on their feet. The same applies to you when you’re having a rough time. You can be this friendly hand for yourself. And you know that, here in this community, we’re willing to support you as well.

I’m 21, friendless, alone, never been kissed even.

I believe that, as much as those things are important to you - which is 100% valid and understandable -, it doesn’t define you, and there is more in your life, of who you are, as a unique and beautiful individual.

What are you proud of? What are your dreams, projects? How do you envision the future - and why not when covid would be behind us? What are your strengths? What are the things you’d like to work on?

We are works in progress my friend. Even if the photography you just took of your present is frustrating, please don’t forget that 1/ your mindset matters when you’re taking it; 2/ there are always elements we don’t see at first; 3/ a moment is always made to be changed. You are not doomed to feel stuck or held back. Changes take time though. And if you look back, you’ll start to notice all the things that actually changed during the last couple of years. You’ll see that you’re not the same person as you were, even when you felt defeated or discouraged. :hrtlegolove:

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That sounds like “feeling icky” at an extreme level.
I want to help you about this.
When you sound so hurt…
even though i don’t even know you…
it makes me feel…
I CAN"T EXPLAIN IT.
I just feel like i need to do something to make you feel not so alone.
You need to have your emotions in a healthy way, but do not let them control you. Also, when people genuinely care about you, you should cherish that. And also. I promise you, there are people who genuinely care about you.

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Hi @Micro (sorry, no idea HOW I missed your reply- but it means a great deal to me - sorry I missed it!!) and @leonafan000 , thank you both for your replies :slight_smile: I appreciate you both

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