It’s good to see you! I actually remember that you were trying to get your driving license - congrats for it! Also congratulations for your first job. That’s some important accomplishments. The beginning of a new freedom.
I’m sorry you’ve been so alone and anxious though. This year has been rough so far, on so many aspects. I felt myself pretty alone and hopeless this year, even if I know that I am loved and I have people in my life who genuinely care. It’s just hard to shake those feelings, and so easy to trigger it, especially when changes happen in our relationships. With the current context in your family and the recent changes with your friends, it just makes sense to feel more isolated. Though you know you’ll always have a family right here and people who are willing to shoulder this heaviness with you. You are not alone, really. Honestly I was happy to see your familiar nickname again! Even if I wished it was in better circumstances for you.
I know it seems ungrateful, but it’s hard to enjoy family when it’s been nearly 7 years of dysfunction.
Please, know that it doesn’t sound ungrateful at all. You can love someone yet feel very frustrated by a situation. When an environment is toxic and is impacting us negatively, it’s absolutely okay to say that something’s wrong. It doesn’t question the love you can have for your parents. Sometimes, love is just better with a distance, even temporarily.
I’m sorry your parents can’t stand each other though. It’s hard to be in the middle of this when you still have to share the same space. I’m sure you’ve been doing your best despite this situation. Unfortunately there’s only so much you can do in this context.
The holidays are coming and all the picture-perfect family gathering TV commercials are starting, going to the store and seeing all the happy, laughing, giggling families and friends buying thanksgiving preparations is making me feel so alone.
I hear you on that one… My family is very small, we’re all living in three different countries and I decided to go into full no contact with my mom recently, which created some disturbance - so the ideal family depicted on TV commercials is definitely far from my own reality. It’s frustrating to hear about the beautiful values of Christmas, the joy of family celebrations or whatever, each year, when it feels like you don’t have access to it. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad moment or a reminder of what is not functioning. Maybe this could be an opportunity to open a new door, to celebrate and cherish the things that we actually have and we are grateful for. And why not, to celebrate the fact that we actually make it through this chaotic 2020 year. Just a symbolic time. A page to turn, a new one to write on. Celebrations should be what we’re willing to do with it, and not a pre-made recipe that would be thought by someone else. In any case, there is still time to think about it and to see how you could approach that moment of the year, just to make it a little more peaceful for you.
I was wanting to make new friends, but with covid and the fact that I work from home it seems pretty bleak. I have bad social anxiety as well. When I try to make friends online by joining groups or something it seems like I’m just invisible, everyone already has their pre-determined cliques and friend groups, which is okay. I just wish I could feel a part of something.
I can’t remember if you were used to come and say hi during HS streams, but maybe this could be a good opportunity to connect and meet new people. As for Discord: twitch.tv/heartsupport (schedule: https://heartsupport.simvoly.com/) - https://discord.gg/heartsupport.
Just a suggestion though! It’s pretty neat to see different streams and opportunities to discuss everything, or just have a good time while lurking a bit (*pro-lurker here).
My brother is nearly 40 married with two of his own kids. I’m 21, friendless, alone, never been kissed even.
Your brother is your brother. He’s living his own life, following his own way. He’s not the same age as you and both of your experiences are different. Which is okay. I hear that you’re longing for more connection, whether it’s through love, family, friendships. But as you said there’s also a context. Between your parents arguments, covid/lockdowns, anxiety, it’s a lot to deal with. A lot of things that can make you feel like it’s holding you back. But the circumstances right now are not saying anything about your capacity to create new bonds with people, to live more than just work/sleep/work. Indeed, there’s more to experience than this. But it’s also absolutely okay to move on at your own pace. One step at a time. It’s also okay to be more kind to yourself when times are more difficult.
Your life is not over because of your amount of friendships, dating experiences, or because of your family situation. And you’re certainly not doomed to be stuck in what certainly feels like some kind of rut right now. There’s a lot of different cycles in one life. Different crossroads, opportunities, events of all kinds. You are not doomed to feel stuck in the same situation or patterns, friend. And actually, pointing out the things that are creating some kind of frustration holds the potential to create the changes that are necessary in your life.
I keep asking myself and God why my life is going this way. I’m sure it’s something I’ve done, I haven’t been that great of a person. I’m selfish a lot of the time, I didn’t treat people the way they deserve. I just wish I could be someone with a happy, vibrant, healthy family that sees each other often, with a nice group of friends. I’m not even asking for a relationship.
Oh friend, this is deeply relatable to me. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me and can’t help imagining if everything was more simple, if anxiety didn’t exist, if I could push my fears away. If only I could only share smiles, good news, to be vibrant and able to share that energy with people I love…
This thought is a trap though. When we’re struggling, it’s so tempting to beat ourselves up, to hold on to what we don’t have and create some kind of resentment towards ourselves. But that’s not fair. If you see someone falling in front of you, you’re not going to tell them: “you loser! why can’t you just be better?”. You would ask them if they’re okay and eventually hold their hand to help them get back on their feet. The same applies to you when you’re having a rough time. You can be this friendly hand for yourself. And you know that, here in this community, we’re willing to support you as well.
I’m 21, friendless, alone, never been kissed even.
I believe that, as much as those things are important to you - which is 100% valid and understandable -, it doesn’t define you, and there is more in your life, of who you are, as a unique and beautiful individual.
What are you proud of? What are your dreams, projects? How do you envision the future - and why not when covid would be behind us? What are your strengths? What are the things you’d like to work on?
We are works in progress my friend. Even if the photography you just took of your present is frustrating, please don’t forget that 1/ your mindset matters when you’re taking it; 2/ there are always elements we don’t see at first; 3/ a moment is always made to be changed. You are not doomed to feel stuck or held back. Changes take time though. And if you look back, you’ll start to notice all the things that actually changed during the last couple of years. You’ll see that you’re not the same person as you were, even when you felt defeated or discouraged.