Back to heartsupport

Crumbling marriage


#1

Loving without expectations, I don’t understand it…

OK so expectations… I don’t expect my husband to be Superman. I don’t expect the dishes to be done every day especially if he’s coming home from work. I’m at home I can do them, I just don’t want to be the one doing them all the time. I don’t want to be the only one concerned about money and how we’re going to do this and how we’re going to do that…I get his perspective and how demanding his job is; not too long ago I was in the same position. But no matter what I still did what needed to be done when it comes down to the care of my husband, and the care of my child.( I have been a stay at home mom for a little over a year) To see that the same effort is not reciprocated is very disheartening. But That’s the way I grew up, for some situations excuses were not tolerated. If something went wrong you fixed it; if you failed at something, you get up dust yourself off you and do it again until you get it. Now I understand that he and I come from different walks of life and it’s not fair to put that stipulation on him and I try not to but I feel like if my partner is not as invested, what’s the point? I was taught that if there’s a problem that’s detrimental to your marriage, that means long uncomfortable conversations until the problem is solved. Yes take breaks and come back to it but not healthy is leaving your partner hanging for days and weeks on end. And acting like there isn’t a problem…
We make time for things that are important to us and all I’m asking is that my partner makes time for the things that are an issue. If my partner is going to say they’re going to do something and then not do it and not communicating the reasons why they haven’t gotten to it or it’s the same reason every time and nothing is done to change it and then proceed to get defensive when asked about it then yeah I’m going to be irritated. I feel as though my I am viewed as an enemy instead of a partner and that’s hard…
Intimacy… I don’t want to go there because it will paint him in a bad light and I don’t wanna do that. But what I will say is if there’s a problem I cannot be physical with someone until the problem is solved. That doesn’t mean I love him any less, that’s just my boundary. One step at a time one thing at a time.

Im so lost and afraid that my marriage is ending. I’m even more afraid that the issue me.


#2

I had a lot of struggles in my previous marriage that were left unattended for so long that it eventually destroyed our marriage. Something that is so important is: communication, compassion and patience. I tried to communicate for years little things that were going on that caused strain in our marriage, our household and to my/our health but it always felt like he jsut didn’t have the time or care to attend to it. It made me feel like he wasn’t listening to me and/or didn’t care.

My ex husband was hard working. He worked long hours. So I often felt alone in the house chores. He worked hard but would come home and throw things on the floor. He lied to me a lot. He was emotionally closed off, making talking to him very difficult. Intimately it was hard to have a desire when, like you said, so many things were left unresolved. It was hard to be in the mood for that kind of closeness. To make it worse, the lies and the fact he didn’t seem to ever care about how I was feeling intimately really bruised our relationship for me.

The point is. Things build up over time. Both the big and the small. And you have to have the willingness to communicate, be compassionate, patient and open minded with each other to get through it. And if it’s functioning one way instead of both, then marriage counseling may be something to consider.

Unfortunately for me at the time, we just weren’t working through it. And after years of things going neglected we just lived in separate worlds, became different people and eventually I left. I couldn’t handle being married to what felt like a robot. And to someone I couldn’t communicate with. I felt like I was talking to a wall.

I hope that you and your husband will be able to find the ability to communicate with each other. To find understanding for one another. And the strength to push through everything you are going through right now. And if you struggle to, I hope you guys can find a family therapist that will help bring you guys back to the place you need. It takes work, honesty and patience. But it’s possible to heal if you both truly want it.

The relationship I’m in now is so much stronger due to the battles I went through in my previous relationships and marriage. There is a greater awareness and effort in where I struggled before. I make it very clear what I need in my relationships and then I constantly try to nurture the needs before they become a problem. My husband and I married young and I think we learned too late what we needed to learn about ourselves a long time ago to make our relationship work.

I hope it gets better for you friend. And as a previous wife of 14 years, if you ever need a friend to relate to or talk to, you are more than welcome to inbox me!


#4

ill inbox you… just as soon as I figure out how. lol learning curve.