I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts/feelings through words, but here we go…
Crying is a constant. Every single night I find myself crying. I hate crying. I was taught that crying was something that showed weakness and was unnecessary in almost any aspect. Crying brings so much fear. Whenever my dad sees me crying he screams at me. He’ll get 5 inches from my face and scream at the top of his lungs and then some. I get scared and then afterwards he’ll hug me and say he only did it so that I would understand and that it came from love. It makes me feel like I deserve it when he screams at me. One time when he was screaming at me I was up against my bedroom wall and he was getting ready to hit me. He didn’t, but I saw that he was close. This behavior is also only towards me. Never to my biological brother or any of my stepbrothers. I’m the one that gets the screaming when I do something that my dad deems as wrong or disrespectful. Having this fear has led to me to always try and fight back tears. It’s led me to not let myself cry when I really need it. It’s not healthy, I know, but it’s all I’ve known to do for years.
Then with that comes the thoughts that I will never be good enough for anyone if my dad treats me this way. My mind is going down a rabbit hole and I don’t know how to get it to stop. I’m scared that I’m gonna do something I regret. My brain is screaming at me that I would feel better if I gave into self harm. It’s telling me that everyone would be better if I was gone. It just gets louder and louder the more I try to shut it up. It’s so exhausting to try and fight it that it just seems easier to give up and listen. I know that it would only cause more pain, but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. It’s mentally taxing. I feel so alone. I want the pain to just stop. I want the yelling to stop. I want the thoughts to stop. I want everything to just STOP!
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be the person that lashes out when I’m upset, but I feel like nobody will listen otherwise. I just want to be heard. I want what I’m thinking/feeling to be acknowledged. I want to be told that I’m not crazy and that I’m not the only one! I want to know that I’m valid. That my emotions are valid. That I matter to someone. Anyone. I just want to be able to feel like I’m talking to people and not a brick wall.