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Current Headspace cant make up my mind

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#1

Its hard to say how i feel right now as it’s several hours i had a trigger happen / sensory happen. My brain feels like it’s going into a place i haven’t “been in” for a while.

I can tell that im struggling.
I told my self during this trip I took , that ill be making a health decision for myself, but now I just don’t know if i can. The decision had to do with my sanity my trauma. But now being where i am , it just feels like it doesnt “exist”. As im laying and typing this , I know i am loved but with what i went through the past year ish , i dont know if its just them trying to “make it up” or is it just them wanting us to have fun.

Once i leave , i am affraid of it going back to the way it is/was. Im afraid that more trauma is going to be caused. Im afraid of not going to be felt like I was loved due to their actions.
I just i dont know . I WANT to feel loved . I WANT to have my self love back . I WANT it.
I know it takes time but i feel so damaged from my past. So much trauma from my life cycles through my brain , " wanting to be normal". “wanting this emotional pain to go away” . " wanting some one to love me.". “wanting to be done with this crap” . Theres so much i want/need rightnow but i dont know what is what. i dont know rightnow . im stuck.

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#2

hi ashley,

thank you for sharing this update and taking the time to write out how things are going for you. with the “them” you’re referring to, i assume they’re on this trip with you and not acknowledging any of the past trauma you’ve faced? what you’re feeling is real and it is valid. you know you deserve love and are worthy of feeling the same care you put towards others. never forget this fact. when it comes to others currently in your life, it sounds like they prefer to avoid painful conversations in favor of having fun on vacation. it’s up to you and what you feel most comfortable with to say whether you want to bring things up now or later and if you want to live in the moment during this vacation and facing the future later. all i hope for you is that you find the peace, love, and calmness you deserve. it doesn’t sound like you have that right now and that breaks my heart. please keep all of your heartsupport community updated on how we can best support you through these obstacles. i am here for you, my friend, and i believe with everything i got that you will make it out to the other side. i believe in you.

love,
twix

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#3

Hello there,

I want to let you know that you are seen & loved. I also know that it might be difficult to fully grasp, but it doesn’t make it any less true. We go through seasons of life where things change what we need & want in our lives, but I believe there is a moment where we come to realize what that all looks like for us as individuals. For you, this might take some time & patience.

The feeling of wanting to be loved is a common feeling among the human race & I believe that we need to have those people in our lives to show that feeling of love towards us. I hope you get the feeling back of feeling the love.

One last thing, music helps me when I am down or need some encouragement & after reading your post I thought about one of my favorite music duos & one of their songs. The band’s name is ‘For King & Country,’ one of their songs is: Fight on, Fighter. When you have a chance, I encourage you to listen to the song…but there is a small part of the lyrics that I want to share with you right now:

Stronger than you ever thought
I know you’re stronger
Braver than you were before
You know you’re braver
Oh, no, you don’t have to be afraid
Together we’ll face it
So don’t ever stop no matter what 'cause you’re gonna make it

You are a fighter. I see that in you. You are more than your past. You are more than your trauma. You are more than your life cycles. You are so much more than anything else that you feel is standing in your way. This is just a season of life. When you look back, you will see ways that you grew & learned from it.

You are valid. You are strong. You are important. You are enough. You are worthy. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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#4

@twixremix ,

the them i am refering to is my father. He may not know hes caused trauma cause im not open with him . I dont feel comfortable going to hium about my issues i have with him…

Trip went ok , father did piss me off a little on fathers day. As much as it was bad timing he didnt know if it was the right time to do it. the day before we left to go home i felt so petty because of how much ive been hurting . i just wish life could be normal rightnow for me .

@StarFox ,

Thank you , i hope so too. it may be hard for me now but it will get their eventually.

thank you for these kind words i appreciate you :slight_smile:

  • Ashley
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#5

“embrace the stuck”!!! @all_around_ashley .something will shed light.even if it sounds unmanageable.being 11 days sober today,I learned to let go I think…I no it’s a long road and learning to accept and move forward,is the stuck.be stuck and formulate positive undoings…that’s what I got!!!this platform I believe is love,and what u need!!!.your amazing for telling what u did.and no we are here for 100%

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