I can relate to this so much! I don’t have a relationship with my mother unfortunately. I won’t get into the details here, but I had to cut ties with my mom many years ago. It took me many years to realize that it was okay to do it. I would spend a lot of time in guilt because I would let thoughts like “She’s your mom, you have to talk to her” pound in my head. A lot of people will often say how we should forgive our family members because they are family. And while, yes family often have issues and often should work through it together, there is a limit and a breaking point. Toxic is toxic. Family or not, and you should never feel obliged to someone who is an unhealthy factor in your life and dragging you down if it’s just not getting better.
My mother guilts me for associating with either of my dads. And spends a lot of time blaming me for making her life a miserable one. She often claims that I was bratty and unruly. That it’s me who never understood HER. When really, I was a child who struggled with being an undiagnosed autistic, had ADHD and learning disabilities. I had a lot of burn outs and melt downs because I didn’t know how to handle my stressful environment or her drinking. I didn’t know how to handle the way she acted when she drank. As an autistic I also had sensory issues. For her, my burn out and sensory overload was just me throwing tantrums for no reason. So as an adult she often reminds me how terrible I was and how terrible I am for blocking her.
I don’t know the extent of your struggles with your mom. But I can relate to the stress of having someone trying to talk to you, nag you and constantly feed NEGATIVE attitude and tones. It just gets old after a while. Guilting over seeing friends or other family members shouldn’t be a thing.
Often toxic parents will call US selfish when they are the ones that truly are. But they aren’t capable of seeing beyond themselves. Often they will find any reason to manipulate and guilt you because in their eyes you are a child, regardless of your age and they feel like they have this ownership over you.
I tried to forgive my mom many times through out my 20’s but it just kept turning into the same vicious cycle. Now I just block all contact and refuse to talk to her. I am usually very forgiving. But I can only dance in circles for so long because I just can’t do it anymore.
It IS okay for you to look out for yourself and your own well being. It is okay to look out for your life and want to only invite healthy people. Even if she’s your mom, it IS okay for you to cut ties. Or set down boundaries. Don’t be mean when setting the boundaries. Just try to kindly let her know this is how it is. This is how you feel. And if you are going to be able to have a healthy relationship then X and Y has to happen or not happen. My mother doesn’t like feeling like the child is telling her what to do. She hates that I lay boundaries in my life. She wants to be law.
You are NOT a piece of shit. Just take time to think about it. And decide if you want to try to let her know those boundaries or if its just better to cut ties.
I’m really sorry that your mom is putting you through this. When they are supposed to be people who love us unconditionally. You matter. You are important. Choose the things that bring health and positivity to your life. Sure everyone has issues in their relationships and we should try to work through them, but you’re allowed to cut it off if its just repeating over and over. Block her if you have to. Her number. On social media. Make your profiles private so she cant access them. You will likely feel much better.
I hope it gets better my friend.