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Damn did this one hit home. At 20 I literally ran away from my ex telling virtually no one where I was going. In hindsight I realize it wasn’t hard for him to guess as he had cut me off from everyone except my tennis coach. It didn’t take him even 3 months to find me close to 5k miles away and leave me for dead. 2 months later I woke up from a coma unable to control movements in a way doctors didn’t understand. They told my coach I would never be able to even feed myself so recommended long term nursing home. Luckily my coach would have no parts of it and finally with help of another former tennis player, we found a way to rehab. Ultimately I could not be around the game and moved, but kept my secret buried deep. When I remarried on a whim (how I seem to make most major decisions) I didn’t share it with my husband and to this day 30 some years later still haven’t told him. Part of it is I worry he would try to kill my ex and partly it just becomes harder after a while. A select few including my powerlifting coach know and the brain signals can still get twisted especially when stressed. March is still a month that I struggle during. At least in part it is why prepping for the Pro Am is so difficult and every year I have said not again. This year I signed up and literally wrote in my prep book tonight before reading this post “Don’t let Bill win”. At times it feels like it stole my life and then I realize the life I have now really isn’t bad at all. I have sat deciding whether to hit enter or not for way too long.
When I got to the part of “30 some years later still haven’t told him” - I was like fuuuuuuuuuck. But I get it - there is something sticky about secrets. The longer it goes without sharing it, the harder it is to bring it to the surface. Which is part of why this post feels so damn courageous. Thank you for sharing this. I hope in some way vocalizing this strengthens you. → Just rolling back through your story, I think the sequence of emotions that you went through was compounding to the trauma. So, you muster the courage to escape. You do. 5k miles away and 3 months behind you, you had enough time to come down from the trauma. To start a new life, to rebuild, to get on your feet again, to cultivate hope, to take a breath. It felt like you had an anchor sitting on your chest for so long, you only just then started to remember what it was like to breathe without it. Life felt…possible. For the first time in forever, you felt…free. And then it happened. Fucking hell, man. Ripping you from that safety - traumatizing your ability to ever feel settled. There’s a hesitancy to laying down. It just feels like a paranoia you can’t shake. How could you? It even feels like if you were to speak what happened, somehow it would all get stirred up. There’s still a terror inside of you - not that your husband would kill him, but that you’d have to face it again. That you’d have to let this pain be real, that man be real. There’s some kind of fake comfort in burying it and pretending that it didn’t happen, not vocalizing it. Speaking it out loud would feel like you’d have to face it, and…idk man, just feels like wasn’t once enough? Fast forward to today, and you’ve found a way to move on from literal hell. And what’s interesting is just feeling into your story, it feels like it’d still be really hard to feel proud of yourself. Like you’re still looking over your shoulder in some ways. Like it’s hard to claim full victory. There’s still this shadow that this man and his trauma has caused your life…it feels like you can never run far enough to get to the sunlight. And that is the bitch of it. It’s like - fuck, hasn’t enough time passed? Can’t it just disappear? Doesn’t time heal all wounds? Isn’t this supposed to go away? I don’t know how the hell you got these words out of your head and hit enter. But I applaud you. THANK YOU. There is so much hope here. Your story isn’t over yet, friend. Healing is coming.
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@tommye_teamstorm this is why we get along so well. That silent understanding. Love you girl.
@heartsupportwall3 thank you. That is an eerily accurate synopsis. Typing it and hitting enter brought up lots of feelings last night both good and bad.
I can imagine - a freedom, of sorts. Just to vocalize what has felt like an impossible and private weight. But also, a terror of confronting it.
What an incredible journey you’ve experienced. I can’t imagine how much you’ve been through with the physical therapy and the thought you wouldn’t be able to feed yourself. I hope lifting has given you a sense of healing and strength to your body that helps you reclaim it. Maybe one day if you do share these experiences with your husband he can be someone who supports you and reminds you of your worth and value. I’m sure he is already providing that for you, and maybe that’s all you need. You’re definitely incredible and an inspiration to others out there who are in similar situations.
Thank you so much for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to speak your truth. Your story and your truths are yours to tell or to keep. Your story is inspirational and I really appreciate your post. I wish you nothing but success in your future and with your relationship. I hope that you will continue to be part of this community. Wishing you healing and sending love. Thanks again for sharing, friend.
thank you so much for sharing your story. sharing what lies on your heart for so long. secrets and worries, toughts
will always haunt us back when we do not speak them out, or reach out. after all that time i can imagine why
it is hard. have you considered a therapy in your past or now ?
after all that what you been through, it is inspirational to see how strong you are. you deserve all good in this world
and you matter friend. you are loved, by your husband, your family and your friends. feel hugged and stay strong !
Your story is so very powerful. I can’t imagine what you have been through. Your strength and determination to recover are huge. I truly understand why you would keep this buried for so long and I also understand the need to let it out and take back all of your life. I am inspired by your story and I know that you will know if and when the time is right to tell your husband what has happened to you. Until then, keep taking back ground and reclaiming you. You are amazing and inspiring with your strength and determination. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Friend, thank you for your post, Your story is very traumatic, I am so dreadfully sorry that you had to experience any of that at when you were younger, no on should ever be treated that way, I am thankful that you had good support and love around you that got you well and helped you to recover as much as possible. I can understand why you didnt tell your husband and I can also think it cannot have been easy to have kept it to yourself for 30 years. Do you think that you will ever sit him down and let him know your past. There will always be the memories I guess but you have moved on and it sounds like you have a good husband and life and for that I am so thankful and I hope it continues for a very long time to come. You are incredible, you are worthy, you are valued and you are loved. Lisa. x
From: Dr Hogarth
Thank you so much for sharing this; that can’t have been easy after so many years of keeping this secret. I felt just in shock really after reading what you went through, but also in awe of how you recovered. To redefine your life after something so traumatic, that takes an extraordinary amount of courage and will-power. Seriosuly, I hope you know how remarkable you are.
Part of me feels sad that you’ve kept this to yourself, but another understands the need to redefine who you are after surviving something like this. Reconciling who we are today with what happened to us is never straight-forward. One thing I am sure of though is that you are winning and I am so proud of you for that. x