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Dan, Casey...anyone...I need help


#1

I have been with this girl for over 5 months, and we hit it off so well together that everything seemed so perfect. After some time we went off and on with fighting about literally anything and it weighed on us a ton. I had done a lot of awful things and said some others that i don’t even know why i did them. I was so stupid and so awful and i have been trying so hard to fix all i had done…but now she wants to take a break to think things over and figure out if this is something worth continuing. I know i deserve this but I’m still devastated. I know what all is wrong with me i just don’t know how to fix it…how to fix me. I’m a scummy human being for all the things i have done until this point and it kills me. I want to see a councilor or a therapist but i don’t have any money for it. Nor the time, i work almost 50 hours every week. I don’t want to lose her as a girlfriend or a friend. More so as a girlfriend (because as dumb as it sounds at only some 5 months) she has been everything to me. She has picked me up, made me smile and supported me-- loved me more than anyone ever has…and i screwed it up. Everyone knows that breaks in relationships just end up in ruins…but for some reason, be it out of stubbornness or my inability to give up, I’m still optimistic because i love her and i know i can be better for her and for us…i just don’t know how. It kills me, that i used to be happy. I used to be so content with life and going forward with it with her…but now i don’t know if i can if i don’t have the one person who was so genuine in making it better with me… i screwed up…and now i’m paying the price for it. What do i do? anyone…please. Help me.


#2

The question is can you change. That is what is needed. That is the issue. If change can’t be done than there is nothing to fix. It is broke and you can only hope that in time your relationship in some form even as just friends remain. If not then nothing can be done but to start again and…

…I would advise focus on yourself before jumping into a relationship. I think that once you can manage your condition and have several tools/methods to cope with its symptons than you can trust yourself to change for the better in your relationships (only professional help can aid you).


#3

Hello there :slight_smile: Well I have to say that i’m going to point out the good side is that you are aware of what’s wrong and admitting your mistakes. A relationship is a team, it’s never about you, her, him and bleh. It takes the both of you guys to make things work together. It’s You And Her vs the problem, and not both separately vs the problem. I agree with Mentallyillgamer that you could start with focusing on yourself before jumping into a relationship, because if either one side is unstable, the relationship can’t find its balance and still eventually tip off :slight_smile:

Now let’s see… Fighting about literally everything… Does ego by any chance step in this situation? Most arguments are formed by individuals that Insists I’m Right. Instead of getting heated up, why not set a timer for a cool off period, and then come back to really Talk things through and find a way for both parties to compromise together? When you feel any sort of rage, before your speak, stop. Because anger causes us to say things we usually don’t mean at all and it makes things worse on the relationship itself. Words don’t hurt, it’s how you use them and say them is what hurts. (I’m sure you’re aware of this).

It’s okay if you can’t afford professional help at the moment, but why not start by looking at how you talk to yourself ? :slight_smile: “I’m a scummy human.” > “I’m not a scummy human, I just made a mistake and it’s normal to make mistakes.” It’s okay to feel the way you do, heavy stuffs take time to heal. “Everyone knows that breaks in relationships just end up in ruins”, forget this instantly because it’s different for everyone. You just need time to sit down with yourself quietly and write down the parts that you know you should change.
Start out small, very tiny steps and set it as a big priority. Don’t try to do Everything at one go because it will only drive you insane. One at a time. In your own time and at your own pace. I suggest you could start with focusing on an apology towards her :slight_smile: Now when you apologize, make sure it’s about knowing where your mistakes are and that you are sorry for the hurtful things you’ve done or said to her. “I’m genuinely sorry for my actions, it was my mistake for not thinking things through and that resulted in hurting you, you really didn’t deserve to go through that because of my reckless behavior.” Knowing where you did wrong and apologizing without adding guilt makes the apology more focused on her :slight_smile: Take as much time as you need to sort things out bit by bit, no rush and no pressure okay? You Are Enough and don’t let your mind bring you down with false thoughts and speculations :slight_smile:

Love doesn’t hurt, if it’s anything, it heals. Love doesn’t hurt, the only thing that hurts is when the other person doesn’t know how to Love you. And again before any form of Love, self love comes in as the most important key as you can’t learn to love someone else when you can’t even learn to love yourself :slight_smile:


#4

CrispyFives,

Dude, it feels like for the first time you were standing on a solid foundation and then it felt like the floor was literally ripped out from underneath you…you’re falling again and grasping to catch a tree limb or something to keep this relationship from crashing at the bottom. You feel so much regret for all the things you’ve done, but you also feel confident you can change, especially if it means you get to keep her. You’ve never felt so deeply loved or supported or understood or believed in, and it feels like maybe if she were by your side and walked this path with you that you could become the right man for her. And yet, she is unwilling, and you are devastated.

All of that makes total sense man. I wish there were an easy answer. The problem is, you can’t work yourself out of a problem overnight that it took 20+ years to create :\ The process of restoration, of healing, of becoming that “better man” takes years. It is disappointing that this relationship came to an end, but the hard truth is bro, before you’re ready for it again, you need to go through this process to heal. You can’t overpromise her and underdeliver – it’s not fair to her! You can’t tell her, “I can change, I can become better,” and expect her to stay. The problem is, you’re not healthy for her right now, and before you become healthy, you have a lot of healing to do. And you need to commit that road and stick to it if you want to become the man that’s ready to be healthy for a girl like her.

I don’t say this with any bit of condescension…rather out of humility knowing it’s taken me 7 years of consistent daily/weekly effort to get to the place I am, and I’m still so broken. The road is hard, but the payoff is so worth it. I feel confident that I am a healthy man (most of the time) for my wife – but I didn’t start out that way. It took, as you’re alluding to above, counseling and recovery and intentional effort over time to grow through some of my character defects and my anger and my fears and my jealousy and my insecurities and my wounds. It took God healing so many pieces of my heart and guiding me when I felt I hit a dead end. Uncovering more of my arrogance, more of my blindness, more of my brokenness. I couldn’t do it by myself, and neither can you. I couldn’t do it overnight (though I wanted to, believe me, especially because when my wife and I were dating we broke up multiple times because of my painful conflict resolution problems), and neither can you.

Before you can go down this path, you have to step out of denial and realize: you need to get better, you can’t do this overnight, and you can’t do it alone. And you’ve got to let this girl make her decision independent of your decision to recover. Just because you want to get better doesn’t means he should / has to / ought to stay. And you need to be okay with that and surrender to her free will. At the end of the day, four, five, fifteen years from now when you end up with whoever you end up with, you want to say, “I made the decision when my heart was broken to go and heal it.” Because THEN you will be the man you always wanted to be and the man who was ready to receive his bride with open arms and a strong yet tender heart.