Back to heartsupport

Dancing with my demons


#1

Lord knows im an intelligent person and i see the way that i am headed isnt healthy. $100 a week used to be fine now its probably closer to $200. That’s not sustainable. Nor is it safe. Nor is it good for anyone who loves me. My self destruction is what i seem to do best though. And the lies. The risks. The chance that one day one more will be my last. The self justification. Im sick of it and sick of myself. The fact is, i love the altered state. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s fear of dealing with reality. Maybe it’s life feeling cumbersome. Maybe it’s disdain for my relationships and my position in life. Maybe it’s feeling like no matter what its all for naught. Because at the end of the day what does anything in this life really mean? Don’t we live and then die? Don’t we all face our demons whether we choose to or are forced to? I dance with mine. Sometimes i lie to myself. I truly convince myself that a functioning addict is still a functioning sustainable lifestyle. I tell myself that people do it daily without consequence. I tell myself that I’m not that bad off because i pay my bills. I go to work. I take care of my responsibilities. But in my heart i feel like its all a lie. That I’m lying to myself to justify my selfish actions. That im only attempting to convince myself that these choices i make are ok. That if ive done it thus far that i can continue on. Another thing i notice is that im scared to be sober. Don’t get me wrong… Im not injecting anything, stealing anything, selling anyone’s (including my own) things. But how does any of that make me better? How does it make it ok to lie to those close to you about if youre using.?To lie about where you’re going or where you’ve been? Hiding my demons in the open has been a gift and a curse. Im strong enough to talk about them but not strong enough to stop playing with them. Another thing, i dont even know how to be sober. I can go for days without using but i cant go for an hour without thinking about using. Even on days where i am using i still think about it often. What conclusion have i came to? None. Im stuck in my ways. I feel like i need help but im too scared to go through with it because i truly just hate being sober. As i write this im 3 days sober. And hating that fact. How do you tell yourself no and stick to it? Anyone??


#2

It sounds like you know this lifestyle isn’t healthy for you and it sounds like ideally you would like to stop. I want to thank you for reaching out here though because talking about our demons and things we really struggle with isn’t always easy to do. Maybe getting sober on your own just isn’t the right fit? I know you said you don’t want to reach out for help but maybe you could consider it so you that you aren’t having to work towards sobriety on your own? I believe you have the power to face this and find healing and health. We believe in you.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhhodes


#3

Hey iLLite,

First I want to say welcome to the forums! I am so glad that you are here! You are so loved, and your life matters! Please don’t ever feel like you are alone, or your story doesn’t matter! Because I promise you that it does, and I want to be here for you, as does this community, to walk along side you through all of this.

Addiction is hard! Let me repeat this ADDICTION IS HARD!! But I also want you to know that recovery is possible, even when it’s not easy, and I promise you that it won’t be easy. I’ve been on the road to recovery for about 8 months now, and if I told you it was easy I’d be lying. If I told you that I haven’t relapsed, I’d be lying. If I told you that I haven’t even when sober had the desire and want to be high and to use, I’d be lying.

I remember having this conversation with someone who I used to be very very close with, and someone that I still love and look up to. The road to recovery isn’t a straight path, it’s full of bumps and hills, and ups and downs. And now don’t think that day’s clean aren’t something to be celebrated, but the end goal isn’t sobriety rather than freedom. And I hope that those words bring as much encouragement to you as they did to me.

This is a journey to find FREEDOM not SOBRIETY

Please know that I am here for you and I believe in you my friend! I will be here to walk along side you through the good and through the bad! You are loved, and your addictions, and your struggles don’t define you! Please don’t give up! And if you need to talk to someone please let me know I’m here. Also the support wall is always here! You reaching out is such a big and courageous step, please keep doing so!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey


#4

iLLite,
If you think you really need help, then go get help. You hate being sober, I hate not masturbating. Kinda the same thing, and just like you, I dance with my demons as well. In fact, it scares me of the idea of not dancing with the demons, because I’m just so used to it. I wish that someday that the music will stop, that I can stop living in my own shadow. I’m 17, and I’m terrified of going out in the world, because I don’t think I could last a week without killing myself, or doing something incredibly stupid. Part of me just wants to start drinking and getting high bad, but I’m 17, introverted, and don’t really talk to people. If you think this site will help you, stay here. It’s barely keeping me stable
Jason