I feel as if the only way I’ll ever be content with living is if I am able to serve someone else somehow, whether that be by providing for them in some way or by just being of use to them. The biggest problem is that I feel so negative all the time because I’m not good at anything or I can’t do things well, and that alone frustrates me and saddens me enough to make me behave in such self destructive and volatile ways. As a result, I push everyone away from consciously and subconsciously, as no one wants be around or have anything to do with me, and I either want my alone time to cool off, I want to hide away because I’m embarrassed of my behavior, or I don’t want to be a bother to people, especially when I feel the the atmosphere shift, indicating that I’m nothing but a nuisance.
Serving others is a noble cause, especially if it’s a mindset you live with. Fulfilling a need in others can be one of the most rewarding feelings one can experience but you have to recognize the abundance of selfishness in this world. Remember to love yourself, for everything that you are as you try to grow within yourself, as that can reflect in your efforts to serve others and invites others to provide you with that same love you have for yourself and distribute to those around you. We all deserve love, and we all will find it, even if that love is derived from sharing that desire to serve others. We are human, we all have traits and behaviors that we come across or stumble upon that we find we’d like to adjust or change, and that’s okay. It’s part of growth, and necessary to enhance the love and perspective we can provide others. And who knows, sometimes the ones we think we need to push away or hide from are the ones who can love us most?