I don’t know where to begin, I live if you can say live everyday with self doubt and fear of being alone. I grew up in an abusive household where on a regular basis I was told I wasn’t good enough and that I stopped someone else’s life by existing and eventually being kicked out disowned and left to the waste. With that mild detail of my past it has carried over into my everyday life, I constantly feel like I have no worth and that I shouldn’t be around and it triggers emotional roller coasters that not only affects friendships and day to day life but it seems as if I’m killing my relationship with my SO. I keep trying to tell myself that I feel this way because of how my perception is and on a regular basis I have this horrible heart crushing anxiety that she is never happy with what I do because she chooses to talk to another male co-worker about things rather than with me. My paranoia does not help my anxiety in any way because I feel like she sees me like her exs and that she made a terrible choice to be with me, to make things worse we live together and my mind keeps telling me she only stays around because of our living together. She reassures me from time to time that she is very happy with me, but we argue often but never really just discuss issues or things bothering us me mostly out of fear of feeling like anything I feel is always somehow unreasonable or just stupid and her out of past exs just not caring or only shunning anything she expressed. All these emotions and struggles and ups and downs in my head and heart of feeling useless and thinking I’m not good enough leads me to this boil over of thoughts of just wanting to end myself for everyone including my daughters sakes.
first of all im sorry this happened to you and this isnt okay . By the way you are not alone! Let me tell you this : YOU ARE NOT ALONE , YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!
You are not useless and you are good enough . Also ending yourself is not okay . we will miss you ! your family will miss you ! Please keep reaching out we want to hear from you !
-ashley
This is a horribly late response for me, I have not been in a good frame of mind and my SO and I have had another blowout fight. I just want her to hear me out with the way I feel because what my brain is causing. My SO is beyond patient and so loving and always there I just can’t talk to her about how I’m feeling and it’s never in the form of accusations it’s always a I feel this way due to this and before I get a chance to explain the due to this it becomes a “I would never do that” situation and then turns into an argument. My SO is out visiting family and I could not go with her as we planned due to work issues and I’ve chose to try and drink way more than I usually do and all out neglect myself. I’d give anything to just get better control of my mental health, I’ve been to several psychiatrists, therapists and doctors and it always becomes this “take this med” “oh your having side effects, here is more medication” and after several years of this and feeling like I was just a medicine filled zombie I stopped trying with doctors. I self medicate in random manors on a regular basis whether good for me or bad for me I do it more so on the bad for me side.
I was told by my father that I was, Worthless, a waste of space, better off dead, would spend my energy better on a corner. My mother was too scared of him to stop this abuse. These words as well as words from my toxic friends have stained me. I have to open up to my partner about these feelings, I suggest you do so as well. Talk to her about how you feel, be honest. See what can be done, it could help you save that relationship.
I don’t know your standing with money but see if you can get a therapist as well. Try to do things for yourself, small things. Volunteering, tending to plants. I have done this and see where my worth is and remind me “If I wasn’t there, this probably wouldn’t be here.” Start a gratitude journal, a small book where you can write something you’re happy for everyday, just one thing. You can start to learn how to see worth in yourself. I believe in you, you can do this.
I come back to this post because my issues have pushed away my SO and am in the process of losing my kids and have nothing left. I have no more strength to keep pushing on notes have been left for my daughters and my significant other who wants nothing to do with me anymore. Thank you for being somewhere to turn to the stream had me in tears while at a friend’s who was trying to keep me safe from myself. I am all alone now my significant other and I have split up and we fought today and she left and hasn’t said a word let alone even where she is. My choice is to no longer be here because I am just a monster to this world.
I’m really sorry to hear about your break up and losing your kids. That sounds terrible. : (
I’m glad that you have a friend that you can be with to stay safe with. And I hope that you talk to them as you need to as it sounds like you could really use a friend right now.
I know you probably don’t feel like it, but you are so important and valued. No matter what do not forgot that. We are here to listen. So please feel free to reach out at any time as you get through these trials.
Stay strong
- Kitty