Ending today was kinda big for me,learning patiently,actually listening to reflections of my past through family,relating to others I don’t no,smiling…I’m still(have to be honest)crying everyday since I’ve choose to change myself,surrounding,and now…I’m left to start uncovering the past I choose so long to avoid and bury.i found today that acceptance is key…it’s just not on my keyring yet.accepting at all cost all the advice I’ve gotten today was so positive for me but I feel wrecked with the what ifs and how’s I just don’t have the answers to.im excited to begin the path of sobriety today.and excuse my French but utterly fucking lost when it comes to the emotions that proceed after…I need help…so with my ending of today…I realized I have so much work to do on myself. so many things…it’s overwhelming but I gained a perseverance today,I feel it.even as I load my fingers to press it in this entry I feel my eyes fill with tears.is this normal???is this ok??? To many questions I feel are filling my head and I fall back to a old habit ,or redundancy I’m trying to fix.
In no way I am an expert as I am only speaking from my personal experiences here. To your questions “is this normal/is this ok?”, I’d like to respond: yes, it is normal, and actually a good sign, even if it may be pretty disturbing and hurtful to you right now. Having an addiction or an unhealthy coping mechanism of any kind is like having a veil in front of our eyes that cover our deepest pains and struggles. Somehow, the way we cope becomes a way to run away from those, sometimes to the point of even forgetting them or without being aware of why we do this.
By slowing down and initiating this sobriety of yours, you are removing the veil. It’s a scary process and a significant time of your life because you start to acknowledge and feel again the things you needed to deal with in the first place. It is also a time when you are challenged to learn new ways to cope, ones that are healthy and safe for you. You’re not in an “either/or” type of position, you are now on your way to create a new way, one that will bring actual healing. It’s freaking scary and the first reaction that your mind has is that it wants to get back to your old patterns. It is human, normal, to be expected. Maybe the urges will be even stronger because it’s at the measure of your vulnerability. But something to always remind yourself of, to always keep with you, especially during times of doubt, is that sobriety IS the right path, even if the hurt felt seems unbearable at times.
I commend you for initiating this new journey. You deserve healing. You deserve to find peace - not to run away from yourself, or your story, or your past anymore. These are burdens that you need to learn to free yourself from, little by little, and with the right support.
Side note, do you receive any help for all of this? Are you in a support group like AA, or on therapy? Making sure that you gather all the resources possible for yourself is going to be a wonderful asset for you, especially during times of doubts.
Thank you for sharing these parts of your journey with us here. Whenever you would feel ready, know that this place is also a safe one to share about your past. You’re not alone. You’re among friends here.
I am in AA NOW @Micro and beginning all of this.today is easier and everything u said just reading through others has told me the same things I just never believed them till now.
That is good to hear, @Ryan1. Thank you for sharing this. You really got this. We’re all rooting for you here as well. I believe in you. You can make it through your personal demons.