well i need some support,
im going offline for a few days to think but i need to get this out,
ive lost so many people in my life and just found out someone i prayed for to be alright is dead. the very same person i sent away for his well being, while ive been told i only had his best interests at heart i cant help but feel selfish, i sent him away to keep him safe but also to prevent myself from feeling the loss i would if he got hurt but now he is hurt-gone not hurt og god he cant even recover i cant even say sorry or tell him i loved him. its in these times i question my faith and wish i had not made some of the decisions i have.
I dont really know how to say it but it almost felt like my heart? my soul maybe? shattered when i heard the news that this person was dead. throughout 2019-2021 ive lost so many people one after the other and ive managed to get up everytime after but now i feel so weakened like fighting to get up from this feeling isnt worth it. i know i will get up again because i dont have a choice but i feel like i have officially just lost the last tie i had to my past and mother and brothers, I honestyy havent felt this lost in so long. I hoped that these people I wished to only have lives filled with joy, love, and peace would live out full lives and that if anything ever happened to them- well that was never part of the plan. i never saw any of this coming. my nightmares fly through my mind and ik they will get worse now. i can finally stop praying now at least. the chaos in my head wont leave and all the thoughts are going through my head, “why couldnt you have tried harder to protect them” why couldnt i… am i this weak, did i make god hate me? did i do something to lose everything and everyone i held dear? i dont know what to do but im slowly losing my mind and today has been one of the hardest days of my life. and to make things worse this is how my 2021 started. I have this feeling of foreboding like i will lose everyone in my family everyone ive given the scrap of a smile to i dont know why life is this unpredictable. it just hurts i dont know why this happens i dont know i dont know what i did i just dont know 
Hey friend,
I can definitely resonate with the feeling the you’ve lost a connection to something important to your past. I lost two very important parts of my life this past year, my best friend, and my pet bird. Both are absolutely instrumental to who I am as a person, and not a day passes where the thought of either of them doesn’t enter my head.
The thing is that life moves on, it moves forward, not backwards. As much as we want to get what we had before, it’s lost to us.
That doesn’t however mean that we can’t be happy. Just because happiness in the past meant one thing, doesn’t mean it’ll be defined the same way in the future. Think back to when you were a young child, maybe there was a specific toy you wanted, and you kept asking and asking and when you finally got it you felt such a rush of joy and happiness that it felt like your life was complete and you had everything you needed. Do you feel the same way about that exact same toy now?
Probably not. As we grow, our goals change, our lives change, and that’s part of growing up. Before, a toy might’ve helped me feel complete, but now I’m trying to buy a house, and I’d be lying if I said that some part of me is convinced that having a house will somehow fill in a void I feel.
Our goals keep shifting, and we need to shift with them. While that can seem scary at first, it can also be a wonderful thing! The more we experience, the more we learn, the more things we can find that bring us joy.
Just because joy isn’t defined the same doesn’t mean you’ll never see it again.
As to specifics in your post. I can understand how you might want to protect someone, but in the end we don’t really have the power to 100% prevent something from happening to those we care for. Not only is it out of our control, but it’s not our responsibility to either. It’s not your fault, no matter what way you look at it. It was out of your control, and that is okay. It doesn’t make you weak either. Your wish to protect them shows the strength of your heart, and how much you care for them, and that is a strength within you that you can cultivate and really let shine. I’ve seen it shine myself multiple times in the discord.
It’s important to take the time you need to grieve. Everyone is different, and give yourself the space, and safety, to grieve. Take care of yourself as best you can, and make it through each day. Things can get better, and the memories of your family will not be forgotten, because they live on through you.
We’re here for you whenever you needs us friend.
I know human and fish are two very very different things, but I’m in a nearly the same just very similar boat. It seems like you did everything you could for your friend. I was trying to do better for my fish, but he isn’t going to make it. These past few years have been rough, and everyone agrees that 2020 sucks.
I’m trying to tell myself this, but hurting is okay. It’s okay to feel off or wrong or bad.
I’ll give you the same article Amaya gave me on my post. I hope it can help you. And remember, there’s no wrong way to grieve. (because unhealthy things are unhealthy and not coping/grieving, according to my mother).
Hey @crazy_mexican,
I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. I hear you and feel so much of your pain through your words. Losing someone we love feels like our world just collapsed while the world of others keeps going on. As if our soul was shattered in multiple pieces at once. My heart goes out to you. It’s such a brutal and painful place to be.
In only three years I’ve witnessed too many losses too. In my family, friends, but also in my life in general. When you lose people you love, and when you feel like losing your entire family, your past, it feels like being suddenly empty, with no direction anymore. Like a plant without any roots. If all the people and things we’ve known for so long are gone or not reachable anymore, how can we move on? Who are we supposed to be? Those questions are frightening, crippling, overwhelming. But you will find your own answers friend. Everything at its own time. Right now your heart is hurting, and you’ll need a huge amount of love and compassion in times to come.
I understand that the pain that comes with not being able to say goodbye to someone we love is impossible to describe. After losing my brother, I felt extremely guilty, heartbroken beyond words. It was right after losing two other family members and I didn’t think I’ll ever be able to feel at peace anymore. He was very sick, and I didn’t travel to see him until he was in a coma. I could only say goodbye to someone who wasn’t conscious anymore. We couldn’t hug each other. We couldn’t say how much we loved each other. I wondered many times if he knew how much I love him, if I said that enough while he was alive, if I made the right decisions and said the right things when we spent time together. I’d have given anything to just have a minute with him again.
Those questions and thoughts are human. But they can also eat us alive. So I want you to know that through all of this, beyond what you are feeling right now, there is one thing that remains sure: the love and care you have for this person is real, and they knew it. It is obvious just by reading your message that you deeply care and love them. I have no doubt that you’ve shown that love to them multiple times. It was there. It’s still there.
You are not guilty for what happened either. You couldn’t know. You couldn’t guess the future, the outcomes, whether it was likely to happen or not. You were doing your best with the means that you had at the moment, also given the circumstances. You are not guilty for loving someone and caring about them. What happened was beyond your control. But it’s also very understandable to look after something meaningful when nothing makes sense anymore, to ask yourself so many “what if” questions, to try to rewrite the story.
There’s a quote from a french writer that I cherish dearly, and I want to share it with you. He lost his daughter in a tragic accident and shared a lot of his grieving heart through his poetry. Some words he addressed to his daughter were: “You are not where you were anymore, but you are everywhere that I am”. The people you lost are not here anymore, physically, but the love you have for them and received as well is still very real. It keeps living through you. The impact those people had on you, in your life, is a legacy that you are still holding within you. You will honor their memory by sharing their voice as well. By letting this world know who they were, and how magic it was to do life with them. Love isn’t gone, friend. Nothing will ever take it away from you.
I want you to know that you are not alone right now. I hear that you want to take a break, which is totally okay. But know that the door here is always open. We’re weeping with you. We’re holding your hand. We love you.
I read your post thank you for the article. Btw you’re your idk but the fish has lived a long life full of you looking after it and showing it love im sure. im sad to know that you feel guilty over something you had no idea would happen or something nobody warned you about. but i get the feeling. thank you for your words they mean alot. i wish you well
Thank you kiwi,
I’m sorry for your best friend and pet bird as for being absolutly instrumental in your life that i can understand. the loss of this particular person well, lets say its like losing a brother. i am sadly well aware that life moves forward its just hard to accept it can move forward without some of the greatest people i have had the pleasure of meeting. happiness will come back to me eventually and i admit i have been waiting for a time where i can be fully happy but hopefully this year will be the year. As for protecting i made the wrong decision the way to protect this person would have been to keep them close but your right i cant always protect people but this time it was my responsibility i made a promise and i failed at keeping it. I will grieve eventually for now i have to focuse on funereal arangements but i so appreciate your words and your kindness, and your reply is very much appreciated. tysm for taking time to reply and again my condolences for you best friend and pet bird
thank you so much for your words. I am so sorry for your loss and i understand the pain. I have lost brothers and missed my chance to tell them how deep my love for them really was and how much i truly cared. I’m sure your your brother knew that you loved him; sibling love its hard to not know when your sibling loves you. as for guilt that is something i will carry untill i die. for multiple deaths. the quote in this post is beautiful. i thank you for the time you took to write this and the care in your words. i am greatful for your understanding as well. i am so sorry for the loss of your brother and the family and friends mentioned higher up. i wish you well and i am very touched to know i am not going to go through this alone
I agree with everything you said, but not everyone grows or changes since someone died. I have not grown or changed inside ever since someone I cared about died and I wasn’t expecting it.
Thank you so much or your kind words, friend. It is very much appreciated as well.
I would say we do, even if only for the fact that we change literally every single second.
It’s incredibly rare to see large changes happen in an instant in peoples lives, we change who we are gradually, imperceptibly, over each second with each experience we have. They culminate into who we are.
Huge life events often accelerate these, but even then the change is gradual, maybe over the course of a few days, or months or even years. It’s just another experience in a long line of experiences that change us.
I often say that the only thing that doesn’t change in the universe, is the fact that things will continue to change until the end of time. Nothing is the same as it was before.
I think there’s a peace to be had in recognizing that change is constant 
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