Dealing with Anxiety and Negative Thoughts

Drums is the greatest passion in my life. It has gotten me through the darkest times that my deep insecurity put me through and that the untimely death of a few family members only worsened. I never felt like I was big, strong or smart enough, and very often I would express this insecurity by displaying an aggressive behaviour. However, the drums always showed me the way, but as I got older and the amount of homework that I had to prepare for what was high school and now has finally become university was increasing so much that it would take up hours of the day that I would like to spend practicing. For years, not practicing would worsen my mood and put me in a very dark place of insecurity, loneliness and helplessness, that I would keep bottled in and never express to my bandmates as we opened another can of beer. This, together with stress on the workplace, my porn addiction that I have now overcome and the separation of a couple of bands that I was in, left my self-esteem completely crushed, and the pain I felt inside would lead to me having panic attacks and crying; when this happened before a show, my energy was being taken away, and I would still perform, but feeling fatigued and overwhelmed by sadness and anger. However, this changed just today. I was sitting in the library, it was getting late and my memory went back to when I was eighteen and when the clock stroke 6 PM I felt the urge to quit whatever I was doing and just play my drums, but I realized that times have changed and that I will never be a professional drummer, because I was studying Linguistics, so life has led to me being a linguist. With this in mind, I can enjoy the gigs and rehearsals with my band just as an occasion to make friends and have fun, and not as some kind of career opportunities. I am a linguist, so probably I will get a job in translation or language teaching, and I am also interested in journalism, but I have been playing for years, so rest assured that I will never quit, I will never stop playing drums, it doesn’t matter if that particular exercise is executed sloppily, I will repeat it again and again until I get it right, much like I repeat sentences again and again in order to learn a language. And I will do so whenever I have time: writing papers and studying specific treatises on semantics, verbal aspect and thematic roles os a demanding task that needs to be taken proper care of: I think it is a good excuse to not play drums. I will practice Stick Control and Master Studies when I’ll have more actual time on my hands. Now that I am not studying Linguistics until 8 PM and drums until midnight and then wake up at 7 the morning after, I am having fewer and lighter panic attacks. My band is getting requests for shows, and whenever I will have a show booked I will save at least one hour of the day to get back in shape, and I will have a blast at our concert with my bandmates and old and new friends in the audience. If I drink responsibly, it will be fine. In due time, I will post some drum covers on YouTube, and in my garage I play along to my favourite songs. All in due time. I am going to graduate, and become a linguist, a translator, a language teacher, or a writer, anything is good if I can still play the drums for a short while. This is for anyone who has dreams and wants to pursue them, never fear, keep on fighting and never back down. You will see the magic in you and in others. Work hard for your dreams, and when you feel like you’ve had enough work harder, and they will become true. You are worthy, you are enough, you are important for others. With your talent, whether it be music, drawing, maths, ethology, sports, it could be anything, you can make your community a better place, and the smile of a loved one is the best award that you can have.

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@MattePisaPunx, thank you for posting your story. I’m glad you found your way and have a plan and are now inspiring others. I hope your future will be everything you want it to be. :slight_smile:
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