Dealing with being lonely and depressed over a few things

[wwr910]

Hi new here and excuse my grammar please but I have been dealing with depression on and off for the last several months right after my dog of 14 years died in July. She was my rock as I don’t have friends but I do have people I talk to like my family and co-workers. She had gotten very bad in the last year as her hip/spinal issue progressed to near paralysis and she suffered several seizures in one day. Later that night, we had her put to sleep as I felt it was the best decision considering her prognosis but I still sometimes struggle with the decision I made because of how much I miss her especially in times like this.

I’m not really sure if her loss has something to do with it but lately, actually over several months, I have been slipping in deep depression over several things including being lonely and wondering why I’m even here as I’m ugly as sin, I’m almost 32, hearing impaired/deaf, the only thing I have going for me is my job, and I have been crushing hard over a certain someone that makes me even more depressed because it’s off limits for good reason but I wish I just had a way to lessen those feelings for someone I know but I can’t pursue(I don’t want to state why as I don’t want to give out too much info. I feel that maybe without having emotional support like my dog, I have also turned to drinking a couple of times to the point I crash because I rarely if at all drink and also took a large xanax pill to put myself to sleep one day recently because it’s been too much lately.

I went to the beach recently and all I could think about how lonely I was(I went by myself, usually do because like I said, I have no friends or a girlfriend), contemplated jumping off the balcony because I’m just tired of it and I just hate my life right now because I’m still single at my age, I don’t pursue my crushes for various reasons, and all I do is work.

That’s all I have to say.

[adam_actual]

Hey friend, first of all thank you for posting and for being honest about what is going on in your life. I want you to know that you’re not alone.

I’m sorry about your dog. I know how powerful a connection can be between a dog and their human, certainly for one that was your companion and friend. I’m sure she was a blessing to have in your life.

At 29 going on 30 this year I’ve been in, and still continue to be, much of the same boat that you’re in right now my friend. I know how difficult it is day-to-day, trust me. As someone who has been deformed due to a genetic condition myself, I know how easy it is to place so much of your value on your looks when looking for your place in society. It hurts, and just know that you are worth so much more than what other people see on the surface. I’m also sorry to read that you can’t seem to find what you’re looking for in terms of a relationship and emotional connection; I too have had my fair share of experience in not letting myself take healthy chances, due to the thousands of reasons I came up with in my head to not pursue someone. It’s perfectly healthy and normal to feel a certain way about someone, and maybe some individuals aren’t meant for us to connect with on a certain level, and that’s okay. I choose to believe that I just haven’t found the right person for me yet. What I feel has made me more comfortable in that mindset is finding my own personal sense of self-assurance, knowing that what I have to offer this world is worth living for even if I have to do it on my own. I’ve learned to recognize the things that I love about myself and pursue them passionately, whether through music or content creation, taking some pride in work and telling yourself you’re good at what you do, doing little things that make me feel confident in my own body (e.g. buying a new outfit, working out), and also just learning to unplug from the rest of society and let myself breathe in some fresh air (like going to the beach!). I truly hope you are able to find that sense as well.

I’m sorry that emotional support from your dog has been lost on you, but know that turning to drinking or taking pills is not meant to be a lasting solution. The true healing comes from within yourself, and it does take a conscious effort on your part to get past these feelings.

Please also check out https://heartsupport.com/resources/. There are a number of resources there that may be of benefit to you, should you choose to utilize them, such as workbooks on depression and a 7-Day Free Trial for the online counseling service BetterHelp.

Also, you have friends, if nowhere else you WILL find friends here in this community. Please believe me, and my DM’s are always open.

You’re more than just your job, your looks, your relationship status, all of it. You matter because you’re human, and you’re not alone.

Hold fast.