It been almost I say 3 month that still struggle of my close female friend left me. It seem like everything time I get close to women, they all just run away or just don’t want anything to do with me. I feel women think me a wirdo or just different. I get really dark evil thought of destroy my ex friend life.
Sometime I want message on Instagram and saying “if you don’t respond to my message I’m going to end my life and post it on Instagram to show the world how of asshole you are”. Because I want to hurt her how she hurt me, I want to make her feel like shit for hurting me and leaving me. I’m so angry at her because she broke my heart. I don’t have a lot friends to hang with, I’m 31 virgin that live with his parents and no girlfriend.
I told her awhile I had romantic feelings, however the issue was she has a boyfriend. But she also was thinking she being in open relationship. It just really complicated, I don’t should never told her that or never even got close.
The monster inside ( my shadow “ Carl yung”) want to hurt her so bad, that she remember it. But I know my soul tell it moral wrong. I hate myself of having these fuck up thought and emotions. I just punch walls, I just punch myself in face or cut myself.
I’m been going DBT therapy and regular therapy. They both have trying their best help me and move on.
But I can never move on from her, I can’t let her go. I love as a person too much, I fear our friendship was lie and that why I can’t move on. I wish sometime I had never met her. Cause I know going die alone.
Which I should be ashamed about it, I know it okay to be a virgin and not have sex. I want be at peace with myself without anyone help. I want not be so anger at people or resent them. My mind just been fuck up so many time and I’m scare of my own self.