Something that I haven’t really felt much recently is loneliness- until today.
I guess that I really just don’t want to admit it or talk about it because I know I have the Heart Support community, but no one is here where I am physically. I busted my chances I had in high school because I was too quiet- and now I’ve graduated so there is nothing there.
Then there’s college coming soon but what is the difference? I just don’t think there will be a difference.
I remember back last year when my family was unaware of how bad my Grandfather’s health was declining, and that he had Dementia- and he would basically sit at home all day and cry because he was so lonely, and that’s honestly what I’m doing now.
I just don’t know how things are going to get better. I don’t understand why anxiety has to be so stupid and I don’t know why I have to be who I am or how I am.
I hate to admit that I’m jealous of how close other people are to each other because I’ve never had that. There is only one person from High School that I consider a friend but even still she is busy with her own life and she is moving away for college so then I’ll have nobody.
I have applied to job after job after job and all there is is nothing; no call backs- nobody. And then people think I’m not trying but I am I just don’t want to be put in a place where I was with my old job where I wanted to kill myself and things were just too fast and I felt like I was going to pass out when things were too fast and medication didn’t help that and I had chest pains for weeks because of how stressed I was and how anxious I was and how scared I was, I cried at work all the time and it sucked. A lot of people just see a job as a job but it’s not and now I just feel like I’m falling apart and I can’t do it.
I haven’t felt this sad in a long long time- to the point where you feel pain in your chest and you can’t stop crying and you just feel alone and like that will never change.
I feel guilty that I feel jealous of other people’s friendships and bonds with each other and I don’t want to feel that way but I do and I just feel guilty and like a bad person for feeling that way.