July 22 - I remembered, I was so suspicious of my ex because he were like hiding from me and running away. And made me wondered, what is wrong with him? So I decided to stayed up late night and pretend that I’m so high on coffee and I randomly talk to some random people just to get him sort a lot of things out to me. I did ask him that morning to talk things out with me because his pattern kind of change. Well I mean, the way he spoke to me the day before and he acting funny? I don’t know, It’s just I feel something really wrong with him and made me pissed in the same time worried. So I make my coffee as usual at 12:00 am. I chatted with him, “Ok so I just lost some challenges and yeah I literally so high on coffee right now, I hope I’m not in the wrong chat. Lemme guess, Ruru (my Chinese friend) this is you right?” Since I wasn’t wearing my glasses so the name and the profile kind of blurry but yeah, I still recognise which one was him and my friend. But yeah, I set this all up just to get him talk so I keep pretending. And then he said, “Who are you talking to dear?” I replied “Oh wrong chat again woopps sorry”. He stopped me and he immediately change his profile picture and username (we were on discord btw). We greeted each other like we not been in convo such a long time. And then he straight away asked me (pretend as Ruru) if i have a bf. I said yes. If Ruru, we will talk a lot of bullshit, not about boyfriend stuff. I mean we will but tht would be our last convo before we both do something else. And then he asked me if that boyfriend (him) is faking what he’s doing and he’s confused whether he love her or not. So I keep pretend I don’t know him. Until the convo is too much he said “Just break up with him”
I was so devastated and said “sure whatever!” and literally type down his whole name. and then “I said u can pretend all you want, I set these all up asshole!” He replied “Alright you can hate all you want now” Now he talked. Like what did I ever do to make him feel trap being with me? What did I ever- I cried alone. One thing for sure, that when he broke up with it never cost his heart since he confused if he love me or not. I took it as a no. He love me no more. The next day, I woke up felt so lost. I was so sad. I mean until now, he just moved on- well understandable since he doesn’t want me anymore. My first broke up, painful. I don’t expect i will ended up like this, having a hard time alone while he easily move on since he is never alone. I mean I have a friends to talk about it with but everyone seems so busy so this leaves me no choice to keep it down. It hurting me so badly.
July 30- I dreamt about something horrible. I killed someone or was i convinced by someone that i killed them? I barely eve remember. But for sure, the police were searching for me and I was running away with someone. And that person I running away with was trying to get us some place to hide and some food while securing the area. I stopped him and said “Hey, I- nevermind”. He turned, half-way was looking at me, I was so shocked. He look exactly like me but in the different gender, 5 cm taller than me. A nd some stupid nightmare about my ex leaving me and I saw him with another woman. I woke up and cried again. My everyday is like that. Waking up and cry. I’m so tired, drain and fed up. I feel like fading away right now. I literally don’t know what to do to escape these feelings.
That’s all for today. I will write more about my dream and nightmares, or even my daily
Thanks to people who were reading this and give some opinion. I appreciate it so much.