Dealing with sexual abuse

Ah hello again!

I’ve been nonchalantly dealing with a serious issue for a while and it makes me feel weird and wonder why things happened. (TW for sexual abuse ahead) For a long while I kept quiet about what happened–roughly 13 years. To be blunt, I was molested by a close family member from a young age where I continue to see this person every day and we exchange "I love you"s as a family member would to another family member. Only recently did I mention this to one of my parents and shit instantly hit the fan. Yelling and arguing pursued while I stayed in the comfort of my room shaking and crying. Once things “settled” and everyone was separate, my brother came home crying and freaking out (having recently use cannabis), asking what’s wrong while I tried to calm him down. I hated this very much, and at the time it didn’t feel real (during stressful situations or if something happened out of the norm of my every-day life, I sort of disassociate and become numb to the situation as sort of my way of dealing with denial). To keep it semi-short, it went about a week of awkwardness and distance and depression between everyone, this person came to talk to me, in tears and explaining how I must have been mistaken. I know what happened, but after years and so many contradicting thoughts and emotions, I feel compelled to believe them. For the sake of our family and the fear of being in this situation forever, I explained to my mother hos I must have been mistaken ad a child and how I must have taken her stories of her own sexual trauma and merged it to my confusion. This is a lie, I remember the abuse but everyone now acts like it was nothing that happened–but I honestly prefer it this way. I regretted reaching out and speaking to someone apart from my previous partners about this, and I’m happy that things are normal now, but I feel like I’m at a complete loss. I was uncomfortable with my own body for years, unable to enjoy any personal sex exploration as I would feel absolutely disgusted in myself. I get uncomfortable with my own (past and current) partner sometimes and I feel overwhelmed and disgusted by sexual jokes/comments/attempts at anything (online relationship so it’s really just phone and pictures). I have times where I’ll go weeks to at most 2.5 months without wanting anything sexual, though I’ll also have periods of time (short-lived) where I am okay and actually wanting something. I’ve gotten use to it, for better or for worse, and though it’s been years since the last incident with this person, I know I’ll forever be scarred and unable to cope mentally (I shove it all away and try to ignore the common thoughts about it), but I do it for the sake of everyone’s sanity and composure.

That ended up becoming a rant, oops. I don’t expect much advice about this since I’ve become so numb to it, but I’m just desperate to know if someone is in a similar situation. I feel alone in this.

Dont worry, we accept word vomiting here, Jade, no worries :3
and hello again, its good to see you reaching out, it means you want to do something about this. I’ve had my share of shit, but I don’t think mine was as bad as yours. Your strong, to be able to keep something like that contained, and still be able to do sexual things with men you enjoy being around. As with your family… Sometimes, its those closest to us that hurt us the most. For example (To give you a bit of my story), my mother is a narcissistic sociopath. Crazy, right? Constantly, I dealt with me and my brothers being second class citizens in her house, with her wife abusing, drinking husband. I got into a accident a few years back, my freshman year, with a lawnmower. I lost part of my right hand (part of my pointer, and half of my middle). When I needed my mom, she choose that same man and his children over me, adn blamed everyone else for her deciding not to come. I apologize if this makes you really uncomfortable, but I usually believe in that sharing personal experience helps bridge that gap of understanding between two people. Im still struggling with that pain, and Im still going, Jade.I know that if you want to, you can overcome this. Whatever you know, know that I will do my best to give you positive support, and so will plenty of people on this site. Take care jade, and enjoy being able to open up this like, if you want to.
Sincerely,
Jason

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