Sorry you’re having such a rough time. I’m also glad that you came here for support. It can be quite a shock to face our own mortality, yet it’s essential to do so. If all goes well, the panic will recede, and peaceful acceptance will take over.
I provided hospice care for many years. Some people were quite philosophical about the nearness of their own death. Others dreaded it. Yet when death became imminent, without exception, my patients became peaceful and accepting, and the fear was gone. I can only speculate on what the experience of dying is like, yet what I have the witnessed is encouraging.
Many years ago, I had endocarditis-infected heart valves. That caused frequent arrhythmias, which continued long after the infection was treated. So, I felt as though I was going to die at any moment, and this feeling persisted. One night, I woke up with an especially bad case of anxiety. Rather suddenly, the anxiety shifted to anger with God. I demanded that He in my life immediately, as I was tired of the fear.
As is typical, God didn’t respond in the way that I had hoped. However, from that point on, both the fear and the arrhythmias began to decrease. They did keep occurring, but I was no longer panicked by them. They still do occur, but rarely.
Eventually, I came to a different perspective. Death became a friendly presence, who was there to remind me how valuable each moment of life is. I believe that awareness actually increased the quality of my life.
Regarding belief in God, those who say they do, are out of necessity nurturing a delusion, that their little human brain can actually conceive of such a Divine Reality.
I believe in a “First Cause,” from which existence became manifest. I also believe there are many dimensions and manifestations of consciousness. I don’t know what to expect after life, but I have chosen to trust that it’ll be okay.
One thing is for sure. Fear involves a physiologic process, therefore, in the absence of a physical body, physical symptoms of fear cannot exist. Consider also, fear is in our DNA as a self-preservation mechanism. When there is nothing physical to preserve, there is no need for fear.
If, when death is imminent for me, and I am able to think about it, I want to dwell on all the good things that happened in my life, along with the negative things that ended up being useful tools for growth in wisdom and compassion.
You can’t work? You have performed research on your medication. You have reached out to us here. Perhaps your work is actually a mission that involves communication. You may or may not be able to make money with it, but it certainly can give your life purpose.
I can say with absolute certainty, you will remain alive until you die. Does it make sense to remain engaged with life, rather than let it pass you by because your mind is dominated by thoughts of death?
Still, it’s better to acknowledge the thoughts calmly, rather than fight or deny them. That’s how you can have the thoughts, but not be dominated by them.
I don’t know that these words would have meant that much to me back when I was struggling to come to terms with death, but perhaps you will remember them at a time when they can be useful.
There is a thing called time bracketing. That’s when you set small goals to be accomplished within specific segments of time. For example, committing to the study of the book for an hour, or doing some form of exercise for a set period of time. Another small goal might involve committing to not dwelling on negative thoughts for the next 15 minutes. Then when those 15 minutes are up commit to another 15 minutes, and so on. There was a time when I had to use the approach in order to avoid negative self talk. It took time, but I eventually broke the habit.
This may sound a bit strange, but a process of desensitization can occur as we realize that we no longer need to be afraid of fearful thoughts.
Take care of your body as best you can. Do your best to get the sleep that you need.
Hang in there my friend. Let us know how you’re doing.
