Decided to talk about my traumas today (trigger warning)

Hi, there’s no need to really read this, there’s lots of other people here that need someone to listen to. I’m just jotting down my past bc I really need to talk about this and this is hurting me alot.

Just a little introduction: If you really want to know someone’s story, you should ask them, not let someone else tell you what someone else’s life was. Just a little life lesson and a heads up if you want to avoid pointless drama.

I’ve thinking about friends alot today. Just really stressed about shit. Every week, this is happening more. when I have a bad encounter with someone I start having flashbacks of when my ex friend used me and ditched me during a mental crisis. My brain won’t stop bringing it up now, because I’m afraid of losing everyone again.
I started remembering the times when he hurt me, over and over and over. Those days when he told me out of the blue when I was really happy that he “Didn’t care if I died,” he’d “Dance and piss on” my grave. I’d laugh it off and he’d just say “I’m not joking.” Those days when he’d make me do things I didn’t want to do, and told me it would make us closer friends, that he cared about me and it would be okay. The times he told me all his disgusting secrets and then talk shit about me whenever I said even one slightly negative thing to him and then make me out to be the shitty person when he told me all that fucked up shit he’s done and wanted to do and wanted me to see it as normal. When I’d listen to all his problems, cried with him when he told me his traumas, and when I opened up to him he just told me to “shut up your problems aren’t as bad as mine.” When I spent all my time with him, dropped my things to see him if even one thing was wrong, how I’d always give him advice and try to motivate him and comfort him. And right after he’d tell me how negative and depressed I was, and how empathetic and caring he was. Those times he did other unspeakable things I’m too afraid to even talk about, and when I broke down how he fucking admitted to being a narcissist and using me with just a fucking shrug.
Those dreadful 3 days when I kept having panic attacks over and over because my closest friend just decided my depression and unstable breakdown that he caused (I’m sorry but he really did fucking cause it idk how else to tell you. And you know what, if I’m wrong fucking shoot me.) was just “too much drama” for him, and went from being really overly close with me to just fucking throwing me away and telling me we couldn’t be friends anymore, and everyone else left me after, and when I have even once broke things off with him he’d throw a fucking fit about it. When it drove me to suicide because I lost everyone for no fucking reason. When it made me start feeling guilty for just existing
Fucking disgusting psychopath. Had the fucking nerve to call me manipulative to everyone around me who saw me in shreds, and then people treated me worse, jumped in for the fun. Even when I had a fucking break from him, and he wasnt even in the same city he still fucked with my head using social media. Telling people bullshit, and those people would tell others the same bullshit that spread like wildfire.

Go ahead. Fucking tell me I’m too emotional, tell me I’m overreacting, tell me I’m fucking dramatic. At least I’m fucking human. At least I have some self awareness. At least I actually have fucking empathy. At least I’m capable of love. At least I don’t fucking use people. At least I’m not a sexual creep that admits things unremorsefully. There are so many reasons I could’ve told you that you deserved to die yet I never said one even ONCE!
Because I was a good friend! Because I beleived in you… Because I loved you…
And you know, I really wish I could say you got better. I wish I could say you apologized, I wish I could say you felt remorse. Because I grew up with you, we grew up together. And I wanted to be there for you and help you all the way through, no matter how bad it was for you. I really thought you’d make it through. But the shitty side of you really just wanted to stay. Or maybe you just really didn’t care. Too stupid to see through your own ass.

After all that, you’d think I’d be free of fuckers like that, but you what sucks the most though? This wasn’t the last. The most current is a classmate, and the last most recent that I think is still indirectly trying to affect me is two little shits. They’re these disgusting little flies that like to spread rumours about bees and wasps, they like to cause havoc and disease, and have even admitted to wanting to ruin someone’s life for fun. And have also admitted their most disgusting secrets to me, that I was able to take as evidence. They’re a cancer that doesn’t like to look in the mirror and face their true form, but paste that form onto someone else so they don’t have to take the responsibility of being the disgusting, ugly, lower-than-degenerates that they are.

It really fucks with your head man, if even one slightly different situation happens you immediatly assume that they’re spreading the rumours again. “Oh they found my location now they’re trying to ruin my life again with these new people.” Why though? Why do this? Is it because you’re afraid of taking the responsibility of being the disgusting bag of shit you truly are? You’re afraid of everything I know about you, all your most deep and disgusting secrets, so you go and tell everyone that’s it’s all my drama. You make fake things and say it was me, you make your little group so you can have my friends, friends you never deserved because you never had friends, so that you can pin all your shit on me instead because you like others to take the blame for you, and I know you’ve done it before, I know all those stories bud. But really, we never talk anymore so what’s the fucking point?~ Just live your godamn life and live it out well, otherwise I’ll haunt you and everything you love even after you’re dead. I will go through generations ruining you, everyone you care about, everything that makes you feel safe, everything that makes you happy, just like everyone has done to me. Of course I don’t want to be like that, but, if you wake up Mori, you wake up Mori.

At first I wasn’t able to type this, because I always get scared of being the angry one, I get scared of showing my pissed off side and becoming one of them. I don’t want to hate but holy shit do I. And I don’t want to hurt them but oh hell if I had a fucking chance… I’d take pleasure in it. Idek if that’s me or Mori talking at this point. I also always feel like my mouths being taped shut and everything I will say will just be turned against me again. I will lose the people close to me to rumours of other people’s bullshit they don’t want to take responsibility for. I will lose everyone again by people who openly told me their darkest most disgusting secrets and openly talk about their love of ruining someone else’s life. I hate people. God. I just want to die sometimes. But all those feelings of wanting to die is just me being tired of other people’s bullshit. It’s kind of like an allergy.

I’m sorry if this triggered anyone or offended anyone. I’m just so tired of being told my issues are my fault and I should just forget them, and I’m so tired of having to just suck it up and die inside. Even after all of this I have to read through this over and over again just to make sure what I’m saying is really not my fault and I’m not actually being dramatic and it’s just a severe reaction.

To anyone in this world that has a good friend. Keep them close, don’t lose them, Take care of them with your life, and keep them hidden. And let no one hurt them. Not even yourself.

-X + Mori


Hi Systemofconfusion.
I want to give you a big hug right now. I know what it is like to hate sometimes but feeling guilty about it. I also know what it is like being used by someone. That is why I want you to know that you are not alone. You are a great person who tries to support people and give them hope. I wish you could find friends who will be there for you when you need them. It might not be the same but people here will support you when you need it the most. Dont put yourself down. You are as important as everybody else here. Everybody needs words of encouragement sometimes and it is important to know how to ask.:slightly_smiling_face: There are some really terrible people in the world a we must learn how to protect ourselves. You deserve better friends then you used to have. You deserve true care and love. I wish you find it someday :slightly_smiling_face:
Take care and good luck to you.

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