Okay so, ever since I was little my mother has always told me something along the lines of
“your body is perfect you could get any guy you want!”
She has basically wired my brain to believe that my body is the only thing about myself that has any worth, alongside this at ages 12 through to 16 I was groomed online by a multitude of grown men.
I tend to call what my mother did grooming as well as this has been thing she has done since I was quite little and continues to do it to me now, at 18, but whenever I tell someone she groomed me and explain it people tend to tell me what she did wasn’t grooming at all.
Sometimes I get a huge ego as she feeds into it but most the time it ends with me feeling disgusted about myself, as a trans masc person these conflicting messages really mess with me, me telling myself that I’m a boy and that I look like one, whilst my mother points out my body and tells me how lucky I am to have a perfect girls body.
I often feel out of place because I’m not normal, I dress alternatively, don’t look traditionally feminine and do weird things because of my autism so I tend to pander towards people and use my body as a means to make friends and build up relationships because that’s all I believe I have to offer. I just wish I had people around me that saw me as a boy, I think that would help heaps.
I feel like I need the validation of specifically cishet men to exist as a person and cant live off my own validation for long, I get extremely hyper aware of myself and cringe at anything I do that isn’t ‘normal’ but I’m told that is to do with my autism.
I personally think that the only way to break this is to transition and completely ‘ruin’ (in my mothers words) my very ‘perfect and traditionally feminine’ body, completely get rid of any part of my body that would hint at a girls body, obviously this isn’t the only reason as to why I want to transition but its another reason on top of the many others, but I also don’t think I will ever be allowed to medically transition, I’m afraid that I wont be trans enough or that I wont meet any of the criteria to transition.
Hi! I understand you a lot because I am also trans-masc and autistic.
Also, there is no such thing as ‘not trans enough.’ I understand that though, becuase my mom doesn’t get that I am trans when I tried to come out because I still wear skirts sometimes and no matter how much I try she doesn’t understand my physical dysphoria. I swear I understand almost everything you said you were going through and go throughing something similar myslef.
I hope you can undestand what I say. My autism gives me commmunication problems sometimes.
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
Hello there,
Thank you for allowing us to come alongside you to support and encourage you. Life can be a pain sometimes and a struggle, but it can also be beautiful and lovely and wonderful. I hope that you begin to look for those kinds of moments and grasp them tightly. Sometimes, when we seek validation from others…it falls short and we become discouraged. Find what brings you joy. Find what makes you the best you that you can be. Never stop learning and growing.
You are strong. You are valid. You are enough. You are worthy.
happy to connect with you again, my friend. i’m sorry to hear that your mom’s choice of words harmed you to believe that the only part of you that has worth is your body - this is far from true. while the definition of grooming doesn’t fit this situation, it still caused you to think negatively towards yourself which is horrible.
you write that you’d like to have more people irl to see you as who you are, a cool boy with incredible art skills! are there any places you know around you where lgbtqia+ people come together? i’ve found in my own journey that people that have overcome similar obstacles tend to understand you better than anyone. overall though, i think finding validation within yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. are there other reasons outside of “being trans enough” to pass that is keeping you from medically transitioning?
all in all, i value you for everything you offer to this world, from your talents, to your encouragement, to your smile. you make this world a better place and i hope to hear from you again in the future on how your journey is going!
Hi Friend Thank you for posting, I find it very sad that you believe that your body is the only thing about you that has any worth and the fact that you feel you have to use that to gain friends saddens me even more. Firstly a mother is always going to find your body, your face, every thing about you perfect. you are her child, she loves you of course you are perfect in her eyes but that isnt all you are, you are also a talented artist, you can tell by the way you have written your post that you are smart and I am sure you have other talents that we are unaware of, you also have a beautiful heart. I understand you have many changes ahead of you in your life and you are going to need lots of support. Hold on to your mum, she will always be your best friend and take care of your body too, it may not be what you want right now but it will be and its the only one you have. please remember we are always here for you. Much Love Lisa. x
Hello Candy, Transitioning is becoming who you really are physically. You said you worry if you are “trans enough.” You are already enough and you don’t need to be anything more or less. Being your true self is the goal. Yes, you do have to meet a certain criteria in order to transition, so I would encourage you to start talk therapy as soon as you can. This will really help you. I hope you find peace ~Mystrose
Hello again, Candy! You have been going through quite the journey lately, haven’t you. Thank you for sharing some of it with us. I’m glad you feel like you and your ex will be able to continue as really good friends. It sounds like you have a lot to offer outside of the physical if you feel you two will be much better as friends than in a relationship. I hope that helps you see that you have so much more to offer in terms of friendship. I know that you definitely have your art. Making art to share with others is a great way to build friendships and relationships as it shows people that you are thinking about them when you are not together and that you know what can make them smile. Never underestimate how valuable it is to have someone in your life who can make you smile or laugh.
I don’t have much advice about your journey with your gender identity but I think that you should focus on what feels right for you and on seeing your true self and making sure you look how you feel you are rather than worrying about what everyone else sees.
Good luck as you continue your journey and I look forward to reading more about it in the future
to lisalovesfeathers
unfortunately my mother doesnt love me and has stated that multiple times. she sees me as a best friend not her kid and honestly the things she says to me are more likely rooted in jealousy. she wasnt supposed to be a mother and she will continue to mess her childrens lives up by not treating them as her kids, or just as kids in general.
That is very unpleasant and I am sorry if that is the case, no parent should ever say things like that to their child and I am sorry that you have had to hear that, you didnt and dont deserve it.
What is interesting is, she isnt even being a very good best friend. You are a very strong person and Im very proud of just how strong you are for 18 years old.
First I want to say I’m so glad that you reached out. Reaching out not only shows courage, but also shows that you want to find happiness, find a solution, and find peace. And friend, I really hope that you find that.
Feeling happy in your own body and your own skin isn’t an easy process. I’ve struggled with it for 24 years, and it’s still something that I struggle with on a daily basis.
So here’s what I can say, and it’s not much:
DON’T EVER DO IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE. You have to do what makes you happy. What makes your body feel good, and what helps your mental.
DON’T EVER MAKE QUICK DECISIONS. Please give yourself time to think on things. If you feel like this is what’s best for you do it. Run with it. But don’t do it to prove your mom wrong, or to show your mom up. It’s a HUGE decision to make, just make sure you give yourself time to think on it and make sure it’s really what you want and what is best for you.
ONCE YOU MAKE YOUR DECISON, DON’T TURN BACK. People aren’t always going to be supportive, and some people may walk away from you. But don’t regret your decision, hold your ground and be you.
I wish you the best with all of this endeavor, and know we are all here for you, and we are here to support you <3
Pengyou