Despite others in my family and life heavily advising me against visiting mental health forums, worried that I will be scammed or trolled, I feel safe telling my story here, as I need to let my emotions out into the world once and for all.
In the name of anonymity, I will refer to other people as letters that have no correlation to their real name.
Bullying and the Death Bonanza
I have faced bullying, being shunned from my peers, for my entire life. This is due to my moderate to severe Autism. Because of this, I have always been fragile inside, and even the slightest thing can destroy me mentally, sending me into crisis.
Furthermore, everything was made so much worse in 2019, where my neighbor and cousin killed themselves (starvation and overdose), my grandad died of cancer, and my granny died of a broken heart. I had counselling for everything that happened, but of course it still hurts, especially because of my counselling being cut short to the next situation.
The Traumatising Event
It was one day before the half term holiday, February-March 2020, when I found out then my used-to-be friend (will call him F, from now on) was going for a āmeetingā about me. At the time I thought that I said something in meltdown that offended him, and I take responsibility for that, however, he also said that my mum purchased porn for me. This latter statement, as you can imagine, was complete defamation, and I still have no clue why he thought I would say such a thing, or why he would lie about such a serious topic.
Nonetheless, this led into a safeguarding investigation being conducted, assuring that I did not have an incestuous relationship. This investigation tore my mum to shreds, after PTSD-causing events in the past. Furthermore, I lost all of my privacy to pastoral and school: every last bit of it. In addition to this, social services got involved, and took away my grievance counselling.
After these interrogations, I was looking for answers, and so I asked F why he ādefamedā me. He immediately played ignorant and said that his brother (now called B) said the derogatory statement. I believed F, as B had stolen my possessions, and has generally been horrible to me in the past.
As a consequence of this ignorance, I made up with F and carried on with my life, thriving through the pandemic.
However, everything would change after the lockdown endedā¦
The Fallout
When we came back to school, all the memories flooded back of the scarring from the investigation, and then the second lockdown let things brew even further. It has now gotten to the point where Iām having post-traumatic stress, as I canāt stop having flashbacks of the interrogations, and I canāt stop having dreams about what had happened.
Due to all of this, I came back to school on a limited timetable, and with a teacher escorting me, as I was on the verge of crisis.
The Texts
Things started to get better, and I could see light at the end of the tunnelā¦ until a week ago, where F asked why I was off, I told him the truth, and then he started to berate me over still being upset about it, calling me a āsly gitā in the process. He also told me that himself told the lie, and not B, and started to get other students to harass me for why I thought it was B. Finding this out broke me completely, as the truth (in my head) over what was traumatising me was a complete fabrication- I had nothing left but the trauma.
This put me into crisis, as I threatened to slit my wrists and end my mere existence, and I still daily think about suicide.
The Current Situation
Because of everything, CAMHS Crisis Team has gotten involved with me, but I still have massive distrust for the medical system. I canāt stop thinking about everything, and Iām having daily panic attacks over everything that happens.
And that is where I am now, In the darkest moments of my life, and not seeing a way out. Is there any way I can get support through this dark time?
Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading!