Defamation and post-traumatic stress- my situation


Despite others in my family and life heavily advising me against visiting mental health forums, worried that I will be scammed or trolled, I feel safe telling my story here, as I need to let my emotions out into the world once and for all.

In the name of anonymity, I will refer to other people as letters that have no correlation to their real name.


Bullying and the Death Bonanza

I have faced bullying, being shunned from my peers, for my entire life. This is due to my moderate to severe Autism. Because of this, I have always been fragile inside, and even the slightest thing can destroy me mentally, sending me into crisis.

Furthermore, everything was made so much worse in 2019, where my neighbor and cousin killed themselves (starvation and overdose), my grandad died of cancer, and my granny died of a broken heart. I had counselling for everything that happened, but of course it still hurts, especially because of my counselling being cut short to the next situation.

The Traumatising Event

It was one day before the half term holiday, February-March 2020, when I found out then my used-to-be friend (will call him F, from now on) was going for a “meeting” about me. At the time I thought that I said something in meltdown that offended him, and I take responsibility for that, however, he also said that my mum purchased porn for me. This latter statement, as you can imagine, was complete defamation, and I still have no clue why he thought I would say such a thing, or why he would lie about such a serious topic.

Nonetheless, this led into a safeguarding investigation being conducted, assuring that I did not have an incestuous relationship. This investigation tore my mum to shreds, after PTSD-causing events in the past. Furthermore, I lost all of my privacy to pastoral and school: every last bit of it. In addition to this, social services got involved, and took away my grievance counselling.

After these interrogations, I was looking for answers, and so I asked F why he “defamed” me. He immediately played ignorant and said that his brother (now called B) said the derogatory statement. I believed F, as B had stolen my possessions, and has generally been horrible to me in the past.
As a consequence of this ignorance, I made up with F and carried on with my life, thriving through the pandemic.

However, everything would change after the lockdown ended…

The Fallout

When we came back to school, all the memories flooded back of the scarring from the investigation, and then the second lockdown let things brew even further. It has now gotten to the point where I’m having post-traumatic stress, as I can’t stop having flashbacks of the interrogations, and I can’t stop having dreams about what had happened.

Due to all of this, I came back to school on a limited timetable, and with a teacher escorting me, as I was on the verge of crisis.

The Texts

Things started to get better, and I could see light at the end of the tunnel… until a week ago, where F asked why I was off, I told him the truth, and then he started to berate me over still being upset about it, calling me a “sly git” in the process. He also told me that himself told the lie, and not B, and started to get other students to harass me for why I thought it was B. Finding this out broke me completely, as the truth (in my head) over what was traumatising me was a complete fabrication- I had nothing left but the trauma.

This put me into crisis, as I threatened to slit my wrists and end my mere existence, and I still daily think about suicide.

The Current Situation

Because of everything, CAMHS Crisis Team has gotten involved with me, but I still have massive distrust for the medical system. I can’t stop thinking about everything, and I’m having daily panic attacks over everything that happens.

And that is where I am now, In the darkest moments of my life, and not seeing a way out. Is there any way I can get support through this dark time?


Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading!

3 Likes

@ljet11
Hi,
Thank you for sharing, and taking this risk with your story.
You’ve had a lot happen in a short period of time. Huge loss, huge conflict, and then there’s the pandemic. With the best of mental health, that is a lot to absorb and process in the time you’ve had, especially since you’re experiencing such a ‘pile up’ of events.
When we’re lonely we sometimes turn to people who are ‘wrong’ for us. They, for many reasons, are not capable of a ‘healthy’ relationship. In our need to connect with others we leave ourselves open to betrayal and heartbreak. I’m very sorry this happened to you.
The problem that faces you now is getting you to a safe learning environment. The people who can help, will have to know what has happened, to be able to address the problems external to you. The bullying.
Internally, I’d encourage you to keep reaching out and taking risk to heal.
You don’t need to hurt yourself because others hurt you. You need to think in terms of loving yourself to heal these awful wounds.
Try breathing very slowly, try keeping your mind on each moment, fully absorbed in being present in what you’re doing.
This trauma happened to you, it did not happen because of you, and you will see that… maybe not today, but you will understand these awful things are something you experienced. They are Not YOU. Peace

1 Like

I think you hit the nail on the head: I’m scared to go back to school, as I can’t even say Fs true name without panicking! I will try to focus on my breathing more, as it might help :slight_smile:

Thanks,

Hi @ljet11,

The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. Hold Fast friend, and lean on our community.

2 Likes

Oh wow-thank you so much!

Just a little bit of context on top:

  • I live in the UK, so we have universal healthcare. However, the mental health system is extremely underfunded, meaning that private counseling is the only option. Furthermore, Autism is an excuse to give me no mental care whatsoever.
  • Over here, pastoral just means the disciplinary department in School.

But still, thank you so much for reaching out and helping me like that: I am eternally grateful!

3 Likes

Hey ljet11,

Absolutely - we hope our support helps, and Americans can definitely relate to a non functioning medical system.

We’re all in this together in different forms and fashions, but most importantly we’re with you.

  • John
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