Defeated, Holding on

[Micro]

Life’s been heavy recently, and I’m seeing myself being slowly at the end of my rope. I try to do the things that I need to take care of myself. I try to rest… or at least learning what it means. I’m on therapy. I step out of my comfort zone to enjoy new things. I basically try to do the things I keep sharing here. But in the background, everything feels so heavy. And it costs so much energy.

Until now, 2020 has been like riding different waves that feels like a constant grief. And when I stop looking only at 2020, it feels like my life has been a constant grief. Right now, I see myself falling again in one of those overwhelming waves. It’s been a couple of days. I still don’t know how to handle it. I still don’t know how to describe it.

I’m struggling with suicidal thoughts and I’m writing this to try to break the cycle. I see myself giving in in silence. It costs so much to reach out and be honest, as it means to step away from what feels like an exit door, a relief, something that helps my heart to be less heavy, and more at peace. I made a plan, some time ago. I checked every detail. I decided when. But I also try to keep in mind all the things I know about suicidal crisis. I spent time on crisis lines. And I don’t want my partner to live with the image of finding my dead body.

A couple of days ago, I cried my soul out when I realized that I wasn’t able to remember how it felt to hold my brother’s hand before he passed away. I closed my eyes, I tried so hard to remember. It was a comforting feeling until now, because I felt so much life. It was an ultimate connection to him. But it’s gone now. And on the other side, the memories of violence I’ve been through are overwhelming, like I’m still there. I hate my mind. This keeps haunting me. Sharing doesn’t change what happened or what I did. I still feel disgusted when I see myself, even when I’m not to blame.

I try to be rational, even if it doesn’t make any sense to me. I know where the truth is. It just doesn’t resonate with my heart. I’m beyond the pain again, beyond tears. I’m numb and I see myself as if I was a stranger.

I feel stuck with a “tunnel vision” made of overwhelming thoughts of death. But I’m aware of it. I spent two weeks thinking about it almost constantly, going back and forth and pushing it away. I’m not even sure if it’s really about death. I just need an ending. I need a new cycle. A fresh start. I need hope. I need to feel alive. But all I can see are the memories stuck in my head and all the obstacles to overcome in order to try to heal, without any guarantee to get there.

Life shouldn’t feel like a constant battle. It just shouldn’t. Yet it keeps feeling like I’m allowed to get a taste of it just to miss it more when it’s gone. How cruel is that. I keep wondering why. I can’t blame God as I probably definitely gave up on him. Or he did. I can’t blame myself. I can’t blame anyone except… “bad luck”? Awesome to navigate in a life that seems to be nonsense… I crave so much for hope that even just a small joy, event, or step is enough to make me full of it. But it goes away so easily. Always.

I guess I’m just defeated. I’m afraid to sound like victimizing. Again, I’m safe, and my mind knows where the truth is. But my heart feels differently. And this truth never brings any guarantee about the future.

It was easier when I was convinced that something was wrong with me. Now I feel the injustices I’ve been through. And even if I begin to understand how to change the narrative, I’m not sure if it’s not too late. Everything feels heavy.

Trying to keep some clarity and hang on to this thought I know too well: “it’s temporary”. But where’s the comfort if I just keep hitting rock bottom? These days, what’s supposed to be temporary feels like a lifetime. I fear to be stuck at the same place in one or even ten years. Again and again. I can’t project myself. Then how am I supposed to keep hope without feeling like I’m blinding myself? I need a direction. I need something real. I need proofs.

I always thought, and felt, that I’ll die at a young age. That I won’t be able to go far in life. It’s part of the things that are deeply stuck in my mind and I’m trying to change that. But in the end, is it about the amount of years or how the time given could have been used? I also hear the empowerment speeches. The self-motivation words about perseverance and holding on. But it’s frustrating to me. Holding on is not always about being proactive. Sometimes it’s not glorious, full of pride and glitters. Sometimes it’s about being passive and enduring. I’m in the midst of it.

I want to live. I want to break down this mountain of walls in my head that prevent me to embrace love, joy, beauty. I had this taste of life. I know how it feels. I know it’s real. Sometimes I wish I didn’t.
There’s just so many walls, I don’t even know where to start anymore. And I wish I didn’t feel like I actually start over and over at square one without any sense of progress.

I guess this is just a vent.
“It will pass.”
sigh

[Sapphire]

Thank you so much for sharing, Micro. I’ve always seen you as sort of a shining beacon of light among life’s dark times, not just for me but for so many others here on Heart Support. A way for them to see even the smallest bit if light when their world is black.

Sometimes it’s easy to overlook the pain that many of us carry who spend so much time caring for others. You spend so much energy being that beacon for everyone for so long that your energy starts to fade and it’s hard to have any left for yourself to see the light.

I think I can say with confidence that there is no advice that I can give you that you don’t already know very well yourself and the last thing you need is a lecture. I will say that I feel for you. I am fighting the same battle in my head where I’m just tired of all the walls I built in childhood which still have me trapped in certain parts of my life, and even now I feel my own inner voice crushing my confidence and spirit. I am actively trying to understand this voice in therapy, but as we well know, these things take a long of time to understand, overcome and heal.

I think 2020 has been hard on everyone, some people more than others of course. It has brought out the best and worst in people. It has forced us to examine our relationships, what we took for granted, and to face our uncertain futures head on. And that’s scary. I am right that with you, Micro.

I definitely understand getting so far only to feel that you’ve lost your footing again. It’s as if life is teasing what could be, while simultaneously being especially cruel by keeping it’s sweet rewards just out of reach. I have felt this also throughout my life, to the extent that my anxiety starts to go up when something good happens, because I’ve been conditioned to assume that something bad is right around the corner.

I truly feel that you will make it through this dark time, Micro. You have shown such strength in your quest to help others; perhaps it’s time to slow down and take a breather. Allow yourself to rest. Remember that you are a good person with a good heart and you have so much to give to the world. Let us help carry you through this the way you have carried us all. It’s ok. And it will be ok. This too shall pass. My DMs are open to you friend. Just let me know how I can help you.

[nameredacted]

Hello friend - I have only just seen this now I’ve been so wrapped up in my own head.

I so wish I could help ease your pain dear @Micro but if I am ever lucky enough to have the words to say, now is definitely not one of those times. I am hopeless right now in my own right but desperately wish for you to have some feelings of hope and ease grace your mind today.

@Micro

I’m not even sure if it’s really about death. I just need an ending. I need a new cycle. A fresh start. I need hope. I need to feel alive.

I feel this. I feel the longing to have the pain end with assurance that it won’t start up again. I hear how tired you are from it all. I am so sorry dear friend. From across the miles I am sending you love and comfort and hope for you.

[SheetMetalHead]

My friend, it hurts me to hear you in so much pain. I wish I could lift you up. You are not your pain, your past, or your suicidal thoughts, but you already know that. Most importantly though, YOU ARE NOT DEFEATED.

In times when I am feeling weak and tired, instead of trying new things that turn into commitments, I cut down my commitments to preserve what emotional strength I have left for the important things. You can only pump yourself up so much when you’re out of breath, and as you said, sometimes you need to rest. For what it’s worth, there’s a certain satisfaction in telling people you can’t help them anymore because you are re-prioritizing your life And if that includes HeartSupport for a time, then so be it. I’ve scaled back my involvement in the community for that reason.

I’m sorry to hear about the fading memories of your brother. There are some things we can’t hold onto forever, but that doesn’t mean he’s lost. Cling tight to the pictures, and the videos if you have any. Even if you can’t remember his touch, remember the moment. You may be surprised how well your mind can fill in the details. Remember his favorite catch phrases, hobbies, colors, or foods. Remember his laugh. Remember how he stood out as a shining light in your dark upbringing. He’s not gone, and he’s not forgotten.

The pain can never be erased.
Remain, and turn it into strength.

I know your past hurts you, and nothing anyone says can change that for you. But on this forum, you are a leader in using your pain to help others who are in the same position you once were. Your pain has given you empathy, compassion, and understanding. It would be dismissive and belittling of me to say “you’re not disgusting” when that’s what you’re feeling. I acknowledge your feelings. However, you are also kind, loving, strong, selfless, empathetic to a fault, artistic, thoughtful, and that’s just what I know from your online presence. If you take all that into account, “disgusting” becomes a negligible part of who you are. “Through our failures we are refined, replacing frailty, allowing us to be redefined.”

@Micro

I try to be rational, even if it doesn’t make any sense to me. I know where the truth is. It just doesn’t resonate with my heart.

You know where the truth is, and that is huge. There is a disconnect between your brain and your heart though. What is it? Emotions don’t make rational sense by themselves. If they did, they’d just be thoughts. However, you can try to make sense of why you’re feeling your “irrational” feelings, if that makes sense. Maybe journaling could help with that.

@Micro

I feel stuck with a “tunnel vision” made of overwhelming thoughts of death. But I’m aware of it. I spent two weeks thinking about it almost constantly, going back and forth and pushing it away. I’m not even sure if it’s really about death. I just need an ending. I need a new cycle. A fresh start. I need hope. I need to feel alive.

Since I joined HeartSupport, every time I’ve started spiraling, I’ve reached out, and this community has helped ground me. They’ve given me the hope and love I need to take a breath and realize that I matter. Your post here was the hardest first step, but hopefully it can disrupt the cycle enough for you to find firm footing.

@Micro

Life shouldn’t feel like a constant battle. It just shouldn’t. Yet it keeps feeling like I’m allowed to get a taste of it just to miss it more when it’s gone. How cruel is that.

For so many of us, especially here, life is a constant battle. But if you look to the entirety of your life ahead of you, it can get overwhelming really quickly. I’ve found it helps a little bit to live by the AA mantra “Just for today.” Find a little moment of joy, and let that be enough just for today. Tomorrow, maybe there will be an event that makes you smile. Let that be enough “just for today.” One day at a time. You have a gift–you know what it is to feel peace, even if it’s fleeting. You know that what you’re feeling right now is not all there is to life. You know that the peace is what makes it all worth it. The best comparison I can come up with: I used to own a classic car. There were a lot of times it didn’t run, and I didn’t have the money or time to fix it in a given moment. When I did get to work on it, I sweated, got covered in grease and road grime, cut my hands, got rust in my eyes, dropped tools all over the place, and sometimes the repairs I attempted made things worse. At the end of the day (or several days) though, I would turn it on, wipe the grease off my hands and face, and drive it in the evenings; and for just a moment in time all the bullshit I endured brought peace, satisfaction, and yes even joy. Inevitably something else would break and the cycle would start again, but I worked for the moments when everything was just right.

@Micro

Trying to keep some clarity and hang on to this thought I know too well: “it’s temporary”. But where’s the comfort if I just keep hitting rock bottom? These days, what’s supposed to be temporary feels like a lifetime. I fear to be stuck at the same place in one or even ten years.

“Temporary” is relative. How long do you wait, and when is it time to stop waiting and start taking action? For me and my wife right now, “temporary” is 9 months to being free of credit card debt, 15 months to having her student loans paid off, and hopefully 3 years to building a house. It doesn’t sound like much time on paper, but while it’s going on it feels like an eternity. On the other hand when my depression returned this summer, I told myself it was temporary. When temporary turned into 3 months, I talked to my psychiatrist, and she made a slight dosage adjustment to the meds I was already taking. Things didn’t change overnight, but they’re starting to get better.

Sometimes it’s hard to break down the mountains. Sometimes you have to climb them instead. There may be a lot, and it will get tiring; but stop along the way to celebrate your victories with the friends and loved ones who care about you. It’s just as important to celebrate your victories as it is to reach out for help, which is something I and every other person on this forum struggles with, but it’s important to remember just how significant your victories are. None of us knows exactly where we’re going, but we keep on going because time doesn’t leave anyone behind.

Left right left, right left wrong
I don't know where I'm going
But I just keep moving on.

[Micro]

@Sapphire @nameredacted @SheetMetalHead @Ezra

I wrote down a lot of things to myself this morning. I had a good cry after reading your words. My gratitude is infinite. I’m not okay. But it feels good to be reminded that it’s okay not to be okay. Thank you for being listening, caring, understanding and showing so much generosity. Not just to me right now but in this community as a whole. Thank you for the precious reminders too.

This morning I had this inner dialogue: “so, where do I start?”, “Baby steps”, “… again? But I already started over so many times”. Then just a deep emptiness. I stared at the wall in front of me and tried to list the reasons why I shouldn’t hit my head on it. I’m not impulsive, not losing my mind or anything. Just feeling like a massive failure. Definitely struggling with a fake sense of being deeply connected to reality… that’s just how much depression sucks. Making you feel like you know some tangible truths that are actually everything but truths. And making you lose interest in everything, especially yourself.

Then I look back at this wave of kindness here on HS… Even if I tried, I couldn’t describe the amount of gratitude I have for you friends, both here and privately. This place is so special to me. Because it’s made of beautiful people like you. Generally, I’d be very grateful and blessed but wouldn’t really consider the generosity directed to me, because I feel undeserving of it. But I’m done doing that… I look at the years when I had nothing and no one and being here now is such a blessing. It doesn’t have to be solutions-focused. It’s about doing life together, breaking silence and isolation. Holding hands. I’m still learning that isolation can mean just feeling stuck in my own mind, even when I’m not alone and truly know that I am loved. And it’s up to me to make this step of reaching out. I never regret doing it here… even when I feel like being a broken record. There’s just so much kindness and understanding. It’s still hard to believe that it’s real sometimes.

I’m disappointed with myself for having dark thoughts again and believing firmly sometimes that disappearing is the best option. As always, I’m my worst judge. It feels like a part of me is betraying the people I love and even the things I deeply believe in. But I’m glad I shared this with you. Breaking silence is a first step. Thank you so much for your understanding. Thank you for helping me stay grounded.

I want to respond individually, because I truly value each of your words here and the time you took to respond. But I’ll do it another day - privately if needed, as there’s a 7-days limit now. I’m really tired right now. But at least I wanted you to know how grateful, proud and humble I am to be by your side during these troubled times.

Please, consider yourself being warmly hugged right now. At least a thousand times.

[Ezra]

My lovely Micro,

it isn’t neccessary to thank me, I try provide a bit to you (as far as I can) - you have provided much more to me. It is good to know, that our support gives you something to hold on.

@Micro

This morning I had this inner dialogue: “so, where do I start?”, “Baby steps”, “… again? But I already started over so many times”

No you didn’t start so many times, you keep walking, and then there is an obstecle that make you fall, and you need to get up, and start walking again - it is not starting from all over - even if it feels like it.

@Micro

I’m disappointed with myself for having dark thoughts again and believing firmly sometimes that disappearing is the best option

you don’t need to feel dissapointed with that - it is something we carry in us, and the dark deamon shows up now and then. Sometimes he shows up daily and stays, sometimes he isn’t visible for years. We all have been at this point this deamon showed up. And he will dissapear again.

@Micro

Generally, I’d be very grateful and blessed but wouldn’t really consider the generosity directed to me, because I feel undeserving of it.

It is no generosity - at least not from my point of view - I try to give the support I wish to get for myself (and which you have given enormously). It is nothing you have to thank for - because this is what everybody deserves. It shouldn’t be something special but the natural thing to do.

You mean a lot to me. You have been a true friend in my darkest times. The least I can do is to try to catch you when you fall.