I wanted to make my first progress post to celebrate the positive things in my life, which is something I’ve learned to do this year and has helped my mental health a lot This might be long lol
EDIT: aw hecc this is long
I posted here a while ago about feeling upset and triggered by my ex unfollowing me on social media, and the support has really helped me calm down during that time. I can look back at that now and think that my feelings were valid and I must have been in a really stressful frame of mind in general for it to have such a strong effect. I’m okay now. It has become clear to me that the presence of my ex in social media, even just their username, is not good for my mental health and I chose to get rid of that trigger. I guess I must have had hopes that maybe things would be okay between us again, but on the other side of things, I have grown to love single life/my life in general, and the new hobbies and interests I’ve discovered throughout this year of growth and moving on.
A couple of days ago I decided to finally delete all of our photos together. I’ve kept them in the Hidden album (if you have an iPhone you probably know the Hidden folder… although I’m not sure what the point of that album is. It’s not really hidden lol). Funnily enough, the photos didn’t trigger me as much as I thought they would, and I sent them on their way . It just feels like a final “this is it”, even though it’s been over a year now that we’ve broken up. I still have a lot of work and growth to do. I can’t easily say that I’ve completely moved on yet, but this is a huge milestone for me.
Some context for the importance of these photos but feel free to skim through:
The photos are super significant for the relationship because I have a LOT of them on my phone. When my ex and I were still talking, they said they had deleted all of the photos. I was in this weird limbo of whether or not they still wanted to date me, because I didn’t know what they wanted and I wanted things to be clear and consensual. They wanted me to be the one to be firm and say that I wanted to be in a relationship with them again… which was strange because they broke it off in the first place. So it didn’t make sense for me to squeeze myself in a space where I a) was told to leave, and b) don’t feel welcome in anymore. If that makes sense at all. They wished that I would do a lot of things I didn’t even know they wanted me to do after our breakup (“romantic” things like show up at their house and give them flowers and ask them to come back), and they wouldn’t think twice about coming back and restarting the relationship… I was just not keen on overstepping that boundary that we made as ex partners. It would be something I do in a relationship if I did something wrong and I wanted to make up for it, and they know I used to do it all the time because it was clearly stated. Anyways, that was my mini vent about that. I definitely feel like a relationship with that person is no longer healthy or desirable for me. I miss some things about it, but I’m starting to see the silver lining. I’m not ready to date yet for plenty of reasons, but I know in the future I won’t be too afraid to try. I don’t want this post to focus too much on this so I’ve separated it in a lil quote box :3
Something I started kinda early on in the year was gratitude journaling, and journaling in general. I bought this cute notebook from a stationery shop and I would only fill it with positive things I’m thankful for. Anything. Waking up. Having water. Having a working fan. Nothing negative–that goes in the gray journal lol. Even though the gray journal is more filled than the gratitude journal, I make sure I write in it whenever I can and spend time filling the whole page, or half a page, of anything I’m grateful for that I could think of. I don’t put pressure on myself to write on it everyday, since I know sometimes it’s recommended to write something everyday. I personally just think of a few things to stay grounded and mindful, and if I really want to write it down, I’ll reach for it. It makes me feel a bit better taking some time to write and reflect, and it will be nice to look back on when I finish the whole notebook. The gray journal is a brain dump/vent journal, and I find it works for when my mind gets wayyyy too noisy. It’s a cheap, unlined notebook so I don’t have to feel bad about scribbles or imperfections unlike my other blank, pretty notebooks lol
Finally, something (er, someone) that has been frequently mentioned in my gratitude journal is @Kitboga. I know he did the stream with HeartSupport (Casey and Dan) which was such a kind thing to do. I, like many people here, discovered this community through him and I can never stress how grateful I am for it. I have always wished for a safe online community to talk about mental health and life. It’s so difficult to get counseling and therapy, and my options are limited, or not even completely discussed with me because I end up learning about new services I didn’t even know existed. I got free therapy sessions from a youth mental health service, and when I used them up I was recommended to free sessions from the student health department at my uni. I don’t think sporadic appointments throughout the year would be enough because I keep identifying things that I want to work on, and next year is my last year at uni so I don’t know what my options are after that. So I’m extremely thankful for HeartSupport. I’ve also only been able to catch Casey’s streams so far and the absolute supportive vibe of everyone has made me feel like the world isn’t as cruel and awful as I thought it was for so long. Using love, light, and kindness to help others is really saving my life right now and I really feel like I can do the same. I want to take that positive energy I receive from this community and pass it on. So thank you Kit and HeartSupport for taking the weight off my shoulders, reminding me that I am valid, and giving me hope in this world <3