I’m 29 wit wife n daughter and I’ve never had a long time friend or tight group of friends. I’m always the outsider, all relationships I’ve had have elapsed. I’m always the one calling everyone, and not getting answered. I didn’t have friends growing up, we moved a lot. I was bullied in elementary school and high school but became popular from fighting back when in high school. Was a pariah for fighting back in elementary school, more of a martyr in my opinion. I don’t have great memories of friendship, I think because of this I am delusional when it comes to others. I truly believe that everyone hates me n dislikes everything I do. I can almost hear the words as if being spoken right to me, I drown in these thoughts. I’m always down on myself, so much so that I physically see myself differently. Sometimes I see myself as ugly and small, and so worthless. I’m good looking, most say hot, I could never fathom myself anything but filth.
This is brutal man – to feel like this towards yourself, like you can’t admit anything good about yourself and believe that no one else ever will…that’s awful, man…and then to feel like no one reciprocates your care or friendship…that’s gotta be a terribly lonely existence.
Here’s something to chew on…
What if those thoughts are just…thoughts?
What if they aren’t the truth?
What if they’re just words you hear in your head?
What if you don’t have to agree with them, to believe them as truth?
What if you were to actually hear them, recognize them as lies, dismiss them, and think about the truth?
What if you were to discover the truth is actually that you matter, people care, and you are deserving of love?
I can tell you already, without having heard your entire life story, that those thoughts are closer to totally bullshit than truth. And it might be helpful to have someone come alongside you to help work through those things.
In case you haven’t seen, HeartSupport has a partnership with an online counseling platform called BetterHelp, and you can get 7 days of free counseling at betterhelp.com/heartsupport – you have to enter your credit card before you are matched with a counselor, but you can cancel at anytime before the 7 days end and not be charged. It might be helpful to even have an initial consult, just to get someone to listen to and care for that part of you desperately needing love.
I’m currently in counseling with them, and I’m working through a lot of the lies I tell myself too…I recently had a breakthrough in my last session realizing that I spend my whole life trying to avoid criticism, which I thought was from everyone else, but I just discovered that I am the critic I’m trying to avoid…crazy stuff, really powerful as I work to navigate the internal thoughts I struggle with.
Hope this helps man. You’re certainly not alone.
Hey, I grew up in a similar way from elementary to high school. The questions Nate left above are incredibly thought provoking and I suggest you check out BetterHelp. I’ve talked with many folk who have had good experiences with them.
What you’re going through is really rough and it sucks but there was one piece of advice given to me by someone here that has helped me a lot and despite it being a lot of help its two simple words… “says who?”. Who says you’re filthy looking? Who says you’re small? Who says you’re worthless? No one who’s opinion is going to matter in 1 minute from now.
Keep up the good work and happy belated Fathers Day, we’re here for you!
Ur wonderful people here