Lately, my depression went from minimal to full out wanting death. I feel like this body is a shell that prevents me to be where I want to be … not here. But hopefully, with Jesus. I’m afraid of myself. Alot of the feelings feel difficult to express into words or to describe…but I listen to Chester (of Linkin Park) and I know those words. In fact, I could have wrote them myself. Many of the words themselves I’ve said them. Today, I came close to completely losing self control and was contemplating jumping into on going traffic. As I re-collected myself from hyperventaliting from the idea (of which I think of daily and romantize), I went back to work. (all this happened on my one hour lunch break). At work all I could listen to as I got thru chats and reports was Linkin Park’s “Given up”. The lyrics feel as my own. As Chester screams, “GOD PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!!!..” I know that what Chester felt in that moment…I’m feeling it too. I listened to the same song for 3 hours!!! Lyrically to describe my depression its Chester’s music. Especially, his last song “Cross Off”. It’s about “crossing off the days” til it ends. And death is starting to look beautiful to me. Though, everytime I look at my young boys I weep and I feel guilty for the burden I am making my wife carry with my depression. I feel ashamed that I cannot put into words how I feel. And I’m embarrassed if I tried to sit down with her and had her listen to the words Chester penned. I feel like its the only way for me to truly “explain” what is going on in my head. But I don’t know if I should try to do that or what to do? All I know is that these thoughts are not ceasing. They keep popping up in my head almost every hour at least if not more. Lastly, I saw the video that Talinda Bennington released of Chester 3 days before he died. His eyes… gave him away. His eyes are currently mine. I know I am not fully where Chester was in those 3 days before he died but the fact that I see myself scares me. His lyrics define my depression and honestly hope that this all stops somewhere. I hope no one finds this post weird or obsessive somehow, its simply the best way I can describe what is going on inside. I’m trying to make sense of it.
I’m so sorry you are going through so much hurt right now and feeling in such a dark place. I think it’s really good that you reached out and shared what’s going on even if you think you don’t know how to express yourself. Don’t be embarrassed. You’re on the right track.
It’s important to reach out to something or someone when you are struggling. Even if it’s messy. It’s a lot better than bottling it up inside and letting it build and stew. You know?
Is it possible at all to reach out to some kind of therapist or loved one? Or have you considered calling the suicide prevention hotline to just talk to someone anonymously about what’s going on? I know that can seem really scary and daunting but it can be such a therapeutic thing. To have a place that is safe with no judgement to lay your mind and feelings.
Maybe you could consider this?
I hope that you are able to find some healing my friend. And something to help you find strength and courage to get through all of these hard things you are struggling with.
Just know that you matter. You are important. I hope you will keep fighting and finding ways to find whatever it is that brings you happiness and peace
So much love to you