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Depressed,past abuse from husband,feeling alone


#1

I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 he was my first everything, I’ve given him everything I’m loyal honest and caring. I cook clean and run his back and feet i try to make him happy in any way i can. I love him but I just feel alone he s never put in the same effort i have. We moved in together after two months because my mama pretty much kicked me out. The beginning was greAt the honeymoon phase, but our first two years were crippling. He became abusive not hitting me but shoving me against the wall or co u h and screaming at me,breaking things and telling me it’s my fault. My mama saw him jerk my face in a parking lot and my parents stepped in. They told me he was being abusive and how i had changed and recoiled into myself. Like I said he was my first everything so ofcourse i went back because he said sweet things to me. Things were okay for a while but naturally the controlling behavior and emotional abuse continued, we broke up several times but I always went back. 3 years later things were good I thought it was over so we got married. We went immediately to his dad’s house after the wedding and stayed to visit. Two days after we were married on Christmas eve we were talking about how we met and how he chased me, his daddy looked at me and said he must’ve been desperate. I naturally was upset and my husband said he didn’t hear it, couple of months later he visited us and my husband told him to be nice to me or leave and he left. I didn’t want anything to do with him but he invited us out and I didn’t at to go, my husband told me he wouldn’t go without me and I probably didn t hear him right and I should be over it by now. It’s been 4 years and I still don’t want anything to do with him it’s a touchy subject with us. This year we will be married 4 years and he’s changed with the abuse he feels bad about it and he’s good to me. But he shows his affection with money instead of physically. I was raised in a very touchy feely household, and he was raised in a family that throws money at you instead of attention. It’s caused problems with us more now than in the beginning, in the beginning we had a greAt physical relationship, we were told but happy. Now he gives me anything I want or could ever want, but all I want is his affe tion and attention. I feel so alone. I’m medicated for anxiety and severe depression and I know it’s because of what we’ve been through, but I still love him but I’m just not happy. I’d never cheat or leave him but I just feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle. He tells me how much I meanto him but it’s just words, he was off 3 days this week and didn t have a thing to do with me. And if I tell him he says I’m needy or clingy, he only touched me once last month. He’s very good with words when I’m done he tells me what I wanna hear and gives me a little attention then it just happens all over again. He goes where he wants with who he wants and all I say is be careful, me? Where are you going,which who? You don’t need to go there. My own parents didn’t put rules on me but with him don t dye your hair. If I do something i want and it turns bad he says you should have listened to me I’m always right. I love him and he’s good to me but I just feel alone. I was talking to a friend on ps4 and some him up and he cut the internet off and screamed at me to go to bed,I said can I get some water and he said no you don’t deserve water. Sometimes he s amazing sometimes i feel like I should have left a long time ago. I’m on the highest dose of meds i can take and I still almost killed myself in sept. I had to wake my mama up cause I was scared he was gonna yell at me. He tells me that I keep bringing up the past but it’s affected me. I dunno… Thanks for reading


#2

Dude this is brutal.

I can’t imagine only having your husband physically contact you ONCE in an ENTIRE MONTH. Man, there’s something deeper going on here. There’s some issues that need to get resolved. I feel so sad for you, no wonder you feel alone – you’re neglected by your husband except when he’s punching you for trying to connect with friends or get attention or love from other people. He does whatever he wants, as long as you’re not telling him something’s wrong. If you didn’t bother to bring up anything was wrong, you might never talk or touch again! Gosh dude, this is freaking brutal. It’s feels like you’re imprisoned in your own home…I’m so sorry, Bay!!

I don’t know what the right answer is, but something’s going on in his heart and his life, and if he was open to going to counseling and working on healing the pain inside of him, you guys could work through this together. But if he’s not willing to change, it’s a scary thought to feel like you’re trapped and nothing’s going to get better. It would make more sense to leave than to do something more drastic.

If he likes throwing money at you, maybe ask him to pay for your counseling, or to pay for ya’ll’s marriage counseling, or SOMETHING, because money CAN start to help the problem if you apply that money towards healing from the past and healing of your relationship.


#3

Thanks for reading and responding I really appreciate it just to know I’m not crazy or overreacting. I’ve mentioned counseling multiple times and at first he was against it then he agreed but nothing ever came of it. I know he loves me and I love him but how he shows his love is the problem. I know he has problems and I’ve tried working on them with him he had a rough childhood but I’ve given him endless support. I had a rough childhood too but instead of shutting down like him I give my love freely. I don’t wanna leave because he’s right nobody’s gonna love me like him. Him neglecting me is a cycle that never ends but at least he isn’t abusive and he takes care of me and loves me, that’s a good enough reason to stay right? Again thank you for talking to me


#4

No it’s not a good enough reason to stay :\ getting emotionally abused (being neglected, manipulated, controlled, etc), isn’t a healthy environment just because he isn’t physically beating you. And him telling you that no one will love you like him is such a destructive and manipulative statement…that’s super super super unhealthy and unkind and terrible of a person to say to you. :\ If he’s unwilling to change, this isn’t a healthy spot for you to stay in :frowning:

Would he be willing to send YOU to counseling to at least better your emotional/mental wellbeing?


#5

I obviously am younger than you (I’m about to be 19)

But my relationship of 9 months (I know, not a long time compared to your situation) was pretty much the same. She would yell at me for doing nothing wrong. (I’m trying to move out after we’ve been “broke up” for 3 months but a job is holding me here) she says she loves me sometimes and we weren’t talking to anyone else but that connection has not really ever been there. I’ve always asked her to hug me, kiss me, anything. But instead it’s a huff and a half ass hug.
She says I’m too needy, clingy, all of the above.
It hurts when she says she’s more of a man than me because I like to have physical contact. Even just our arm touching. It’s a safety thing for me. Going to sleep I had to have my leg against hers. And she would get so mad st me for trying to just be a loving guy towards her. She would get pissed. Yell at me and point out everything but the good things I do/did. She rather be around her friends than me. So I’ve tried to leave a few times. She has gotten sad on occasion and just says there’s someone else that’ll love me more. And then I felt the same way because I spent 18 years alone. Hated, I felt ugly etc.

But you know what?

(Little back story. Sorry if this is jumpy)

Last July I met a girl at my bands first show ever. She took pictures of us. She wanted to meet us. Etc. it was awesome as a vocalist to finally have a fan. Well, she became my friend. I went to her house on Christmas, thanksgiving. Me and her fell for each other and she was in a relationship and we lost touch. In the last 3 weeks I’ve been planning to leave my ex’s house and try to transfer my job back down to my home town about an hour away (to far to drive). But I can’t till after the first of the year. I waited it out because I thought me and her would be back together and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting because I care so much about her. But she’s proven I’m more of a pest than good because I can’t pay for anything or I’m not emotionally stable (I developed dissociation about 3 months in our relationship and have had anxiety and depression for years) so I’m just ready to take myself away from the situation. I know I’ll hurt but it will be nice to live my life again. But to the point, I met my friend last night just to say hey and catch up for the first tome In 11 months. I kept her at bay to avoid drama with my ex. Anyways, I spent time with her and we went to say goodbye and she held on to me… I felt a sense of true happiness and safety… so who’s to say that your husband has jurisdiction on you and what happens? I know you love him. But if you look at life in the big picture. You will be better off if you relocate. That’s my opinion at least so don’t think I’m trying to tell you what to do by any means.

I’m going to quote The Devil Wears Prada and say, “This is a sailors prayer, you can find love elsewhere” and it’s true. You’ll find someone who will give you that true feeling of peace in the form you desire. There may be a few bad apples in the bunch but eventually you’ll find that happiness. With time.

I will be here if you ever need me.

You can message me on insta @ x.pxrge
Here
Or Snapchat if you need to even
@ wa1ka

Much love, Walker :black_heart:


#6

I don’t know I’ll talk to him about it, obviously I need help because I used to be outgoing. I’m on the highest dose of antidepressants I can take and I’m still not happy I’ve tried others but this is the only one that seems to work. I’m withdrawn can’t focus antisocial and constantly apologize, and I know it’s all from the things I’ve been through. Every time I bring it up he says that I can’t help but bring up the past, but the past has impacted me so much that I’m a completely different person now. I’ll try thank you for responding


#7

Thank you for reading and responding. I can’t relocate my family is here and they need me he moved here for me. The sad thing is I’ve had plenty of chances to walk away but I’ve always cane back at first because he threatened to kill himself and I was scared, but now it’s because I love him. But honestly sometimes I don’t know if I’m still in love with him as bad as that sounds. I’ll always love him like I said he’s my first everything, but I’ve been through so much I’m not the same person I was. He loves me I know that but something is wrong if I’m this unhappy and I tell him constantly the same things and they never change. I just don’t wanna leave someone who I love and they love me back and never be happy again at all. He makes me happy most of the time but I just feel so alone because when he’s here it’s like he’s not. Thanks for listening and helping me.


#8

I don’t think love is ever lost, but it sounds like it’s definitely something you should try to pray about. I’m not sure about your religious views, but something would have to change. I know how that feels because you can talk to the person all you want and they will still get mad over nothing or they will just go back to the same ways after a week, a day, even hours.

Could you try to find some friends to hang out with? (obviously I would say girls so it wouldn’t make him upset)


#9

Hey, you can do 7 days of text-based counseling for free by clicking on the link below – this is an organization we’ve partnered with and they made this offer specifically for our community. You have to sign up with a credit card, but you can cancel right away and keep the 7 days for free.

It’s a start, and a start is something that sounds like could be really useful to you right now!


#10

I don’t have any friends


#11

Thank you for trying to help


#12

I’m sorry I was at work

Have you ever tried going to church?
Of course I wouldn’t ever pressure you to go but I strongly encourage you to go. It may take a few toll you find the one that’s right for you. But many churches offer amazing young adult groups. I’ve found it does help if you can take the time to stick with it


#13

I’ve been to church it’s just not for me anymore I talk to it’s god every day and pray


#14

I’m not going to lie, I was once your husband then I got a rude awakening when my wife took the kids and left me… I went through a really rough time after that even got addicted to xanax to kill the pain but the only thing I could to to actually end the pain was fix myself. I addressed the problem and said to myself if they’re what’s most important then act like it. I grew up in a abusive family who constantly put me down and beat me, I ran away at 14 met my wife at 18 and took out all my aggression and pain on her. Now we are back together and we talk about everything and treat it like a partnership and not a one sided dictatorship. If he won’t change show him what it’s like without you. Hope all goes well and sending you all positive vibes.


#15

Thank you for that. I too have been with him since I was 18, I’m 26 now. The abuse and neglect really took a toll on me over the years, but I know what you mean about letting him see what hes missing. I’ve left him a few times over the years and I always came back I figured I would accept my fate and just live with it. Just this past year I’ve seen a change in him, I got to the point I told him I was really done and wanted to start over without him. He’s completely changed with the mental abuse, hes still a bit controlling at times but all in all hes changed for the better. I guess you’re right in saying its him that has to change. I’m still depressed from everything we’ve been through I’m highly medicated and still have suicidal thoughts. I hope there will come a day when we can fully get over our past hurt. If she’s been through hell with you and is still fighting to make things work, dont give up. Thanks for replying. :black_heart: