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Depressing thoughts

Hello my friends.
I hope you are having a good day. The last six weeks have not been very good for me mentaly. I think those of you who have been in contact with me already know this. The good news is I had managed to become somewhat capable of supporting others again. My therapist and I are also seeing each other weekly again so I have bigger support in that regard. The bad news is I had not been very stable lately. I have been having suicidal thoughts daily. Thoughts of self harm are also present but its almost summer and my brother would also notice if I did anything, plus I know it would be really bad if I started doing it again. I just think about it when I really want to release tension.

My mood is like a rollercoaster that doesnt go very hight but goes really low. The two most often present moods are either 1. (Sad, depressed, hopeless, suicidal) 2. (Numb, bored, indifferent, annoyed). It kind of swings beteween the two. There are also doubts and intrusive thoughts. I get triggered very easily. Someone saying something completely normal but saying it in a slightly annoyed tone cane trigger me. Seeing news can trigger me. These small things can send me down a spiral. I can respond to a post that deals with suicidal ideation and depression and I dont get triggered and then I read someones comment about not liking someones opinion and it can make me feel horrible.

Sometimes even things that are supposed to be positive can make me upset. Like my dad telling me he hopes I succed with my enterance exams. My thoughts just said to me that I should not take the place from someone who wants it more then me. People caring about me when I dont care about myself can cause a real pain sometimes. I hate to cause them pain and thats why it hurts me. Sometimes think that i was never meant to achieve anything. Its not like I want to achieve something. I am just surviving and coping mostly. And I know I should not think like this but I am. How can a person who doesnt want to live justify taking a place of someone who does. Who wants to live. Who cares about living.

I know this community is full of supportive and loving people but there are people who think differently that would see my life as a waste. And maybe they are right but it doesnt motivate me to try to live at all. And its not like my life is super hard. Sure its challanging but whose life isnt. I just dont have the will to deal with things. Its boring, exhausting, meaningless. Sometimes life feels just like a problem created just so there is a problem. It feels like solving edless problems with brief glimpses of relief and joy that keep you going until the day you die. Who can genuinely say that the good in life outweighs the bad. Who can ganuinely say that all lives have meaning and are important. The people who died in meaningless wars and were burried in nameless graves. The people who died of black death during middle ages after living a life full of pain and suffering together with their whole village.There are stories of people who survived concentration camps in WW2 and how they did not break and they were strong people. However my question always was: “Was it better to survive it to the end or die as soon as possible.” There were also stories of mothers who went with their children to the electricity pole and touched it while holding hands so they would not have to live another day. I just dont know what the answer is.

So yeah. My thoughts are in a really dark place. Or I just think about what to eat. Its kind of like that. Thoughts can get from super dark to food and the other way around real quck. Anyway Its not all gloom though. There are days its a bit better but there hasnt been a day where it is good in the last few weeks. I hope I will get there but the enterance exams are coming soon and thats going to be a big stressor. I am trying to pull through and I hope i will. Thank you for reading. I hope your days are better.

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You are not alone. There are others that go through this as well. I believe you can make it through this.

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It may not be justified to you, but just because you don’t want to live doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an experience, you can be a little selfish for yourself, this is your life, and maybe through the experience you will learn how it feels to love existing again, and have some self worth, honestly you never know. Even if someone might not get in because you did better, it is just that, you did well, you deserve that acheivment, even if it wasn’t the goal, at least you got that far. It’s not taking someone’s place or stealing their life as long as you aren’t harming their body, because for all we know these people have other colleges they could look into, sure it might be bad for them a bit, but they can adapt, and so can you. In your experience you hate existence, and you’re just coping by finding a reason to keep moving, and if this is you reason, then don’t just give it up, it’s a good enough reason. And in the end at least you had got to do something you enjoyed or at the very least found worth in, and got far enough to make up your mind, I just hope that once you get there, you might find a better outlook, because you deserve so much. You deserve that stupid dopamine that won’t get in your brain.

That’s the thing though, they aren’t right, they’re idiots who are incapable of comprehending subjective experiences, entitled zombies who can only see their own perspective. I know assholes out there that would see depressed people’s lives as a waste, but that’s the thing: They aren’t living our life, they aren’t entitled to judge our experiences, if they’re got a stick up their arse that’s fine, just don’t have the nerve to treat someone as less than them because they don’t know shit about how that person’s life is, and they don’t fucking own us. People like that don’t have the empathy or brain to understand someone else’s shoes unless they were suffering from the same fate. And you know how I see your life? I see you as a wonderful person that is suffering so much from the hands of a dark depression that won’t let go, desperately trying to hold them back from what could be an amazing life, with this person trying so hard, but tired, and exaughsted by how much work it is to fight it. It makes me mad, and upset, and frustrated as to why such a horrible thing has to be experienced by such a kind soul. Why their mom has to be shitty to them, why their school has to be so demanding, why their brain has to be such a damned animal to them, when they should be able to trust their mind, but instead that imbalance is so strong it’s a struggle to reason with and reprogram, leaving a reality that’s so in pain it’s only goal is to escape it. It shouldn’t have to be that way, but that’s what you’ve been through. Which brings me to this.

I was thinking about you for a bit latley, about the philosphy stuff you told me, how Arthur Schoperhaeur gave you a little hope, and made you a little happier. Idk if you’ve looked into it alot already, or tried the full aspect, but maybe it’s something to look into more, because it’s the only thing you’ve told me so far that had really helped you. Maybe trying to fight the depression so much, it’s causing it to pull back more, giving you much more pain. And maybe instead you need to work with it, enough to where the depression also learns that it doesn’t need to fight, but to listen. Basically to teach the brain how to communicate with you, instead of just sending signals that spaz everywhere and cause chaos. Learn to work with that depression as if you’re treating a patient, but if that doesn’t work, then work with it by communicating with your brain in your own way, a way you think will help. Learn to comfort it, as your will be learning to communicate, and comfort yourself.

Friend, I don’t think you realize how hard you life is right now, I think you give yourself so many doubts you don’t even realize you’re suffering, stop doubting yourself. Every life is hard in its own way, life might be more difficult than others but it’s not our place to judge them, or degrade our own becuase of someone else’s. We are all people on the same planet going through our own subjective experience, no one is above or below the other, we are just people suffering from the hands of a different thing, and whether one thing is worse than the other, judging eachother isn’t going to help fix it. Judging only causes more suffering. It’s okay to be upset, or to wish things were better, or be a little jealous of those who have it differently, but don’t hurt yourself by thinking your experiences aren’t valid, or some experiences are more valid than others. Again, we are all just on the same boat with different rooms.

I honestly can’t say if good outweighs the bad, as every experience is subjective, I have honestly found that more horrible people have found happier lives, because we are in a world full of viscous disgusting animals, with absolutely no brain for anyone but themselves, living blindly to the day they die, making others suffering to take away their own pain. And they are happy because they have the one thing in the world no one else has, control. But that does not justify having a good life, it does not justify the millons of nameless graves out on this planet, it does not justify the amount of suicides to escape this sandbox that they have ruined for everyone. Which is why some people need to die, because not every is capable of reasoning. It’s like having a troll in a videogame server, they aren’t going to listen to you, because they don’t give a shit, so the only reasonable thing you can do is ban them from the server forever, and talk with your reasonable friends about how all the things the troll did was wrong, and teach the server to never do it again. It’s like that, but the real sandbox world. If we want trolls to stop fucking up everything, we need to fix things from the ground up, we need to make the world a better place for everyone, and teach morals and mental health rather than fanatic religion and censored history. We need to face reality for what it is, and do something, but if people don’t want to do it then well, the world will go nowhere. It’s a hard ass bridge to cross, with so many complications like unjustified persecution of rights, all types of slavery, the destruction of ecosystems, religious converters (missionaries), human trafficking, a fucked up psychiatric system, a fucked up justice system, and ofc, the leaders in power who made this a hell for everyone here, spreading worldwide propaganda and misinfo to those incapable of climbing oit of the box that was made for them and claiming existence for themselves. It’s a longass ladder to climb, which is why so many people give up, and forget is even there. But while acknowledging it is a start, it doesn’t mean all of us are ready, and if we sit there, stare, and worry about it while unable to actually do anything, ofc your mental health will degrade to the point of instability and questioning why you’re still alive. So the point is to not focus on those worries so much, so you have enough courage overtime to face it at the right time and do something, because we all go through things at our own pace. As humans, we aren’t always emotionally capable of facing everything at once and magically letting the train hit us and pushing it safely to a stop, we can’t all be Superman, if we aren’t ready, or we are emotionally unstable, that train will hit us and continue moving, and you will end up part of the pile of the amalgamation suffering. Yes, all that suffering is horrible, and should be brought to awareness and shouldn’t be ignored by the world an needs to change, but as humans from person to person, we all handle that awareness differently, and it’s a hard fight. I know it shouldn’t be like that, I wish we were all able to stop that train and just do something all at once, you know, just start a rebellion out of nowhere, but the world is so much bigger than that. We live in a sandbox of mostly devolved functioning idiots, who have created this hell for others and spread it like an infection. And most people who can function, are afraid to step out and do something, leaving us a world of fear and denial. And in the sense of being strong, well, there are different types of strength, and honestly, strength is only a concept. We do what we can in our existence, and if we choose to fight then that is a choice, if we choose to flee that life, that is another choice. It’s only a form of adaptation, and we all adapt differently. But we only make that choice because we are in a world of suffering, which, is not how it should be. Which is why people have started looking within alot these days and have stopped fearing introspection, “Finally people are growing a mind!” I know, but in order to look within you will start to see the world for what it is, which is why people decide to crawl back into their box and deny it all over again. Because they know reality shouldn’t be this way, they know there’s something deeply fucked about humanity that they don’t want to acknowledge. There’s something we all obviously shared a common ignorance to but we don’t want to do anything, because we are afraid to say we are a dying world that needs saving fast. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, the world wasn’t supposed to be so shitty, but human DNA causes for alot of chaos, and we are now finally capable of actually being self aware and sentient, we are actually finally making self conscious choices, we are finally becoming what you would call emotionally and logically aware, but the problem is we are doing it at the deadline. And the best thing we can probably do is quickly change everything before it’s too late. So, is it better to survive to the end or die as soon as possible? Well, neither answer is wrong nor right. There is no inherent truth in this world, because everything is true. Doesn’t mean you need to give up though, you can give up on the world around you, but you don’t have to give up on yourself and the world within you. It’s just depends on what the healthiest choice is to you.

I wish you had something you liked more than food, do you like stuffed animals? Niko has been obsessed with them and has almost costed me a paycheck for them bc he’s gotten me into the addiction as well (Kovu is in charge of money when it comes to plushies now) but maybe there is something out there that just makes you go “AAAAAaaa I can’t stand it this makes me so happy!!!” Other than just food. I hope things get better for you too, try to give yourself some comfort during these tough times, ecspecially the exams.

I beleive in you.

-X

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Thank you my friend for your amazing supportive response. It had really helped me even though I am not doing very good today. You are such a good human being you know that :slightly_smiling_face:. I hope you are doing ok. It’s not easy. I am trying to keep myself a float but I am barely managing. I am not very hopeful but I just have to hang in there I guess. Thank you again. I am very glad to be your friend :heart:

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