I lost my grandpa a few months ago to cancer. I feel guilty because I didn’t visit him when he was sick at first for about the first four months, he died within a year. I was upset because they promised to buy me a vehicle when I did what they asked, and once I was done they decided to change their minds and not do it.
Now that my grandpa is gone my heart is broken. I miss him so badly. I didn’t realize what I had. My grandpa wasn’t a braniac. He was kind of quiet, more of a simple kind of person. But he had so much love and compassion in him and was always smiling. So I didn’t always connect with him but… I remember him bringing me to sports when I was younger and giving me a $20 bill once in a while as a teenager.
I have struggled for 2 years to get a job and save up for a car out of school. I finally was able to buy a cheap car and land myself a full time job in my field, and paid someone to teach me to drive because my family wouldn’t.
I feel this guilt and shame. My old job I had to put in a few days notice and missed like 6 assigned shifts and am working on the weekends for them by picking up other people’s shifts. They’re not letting me have weekend shifts so I have to get them from other people on my own. This is making them really upset, I think they wanted to just give me no shifts and have me auto-fired from not being scheduled or being available to work. My current fulltime job is temp to perm 1 month but I’m probably gonna be able to keep it because there are other people at the job that are goofing off that they’re telling me already they’re on thin ice and I’m probably going to get their desk/job.
For some info on me, I’ve been mentally abused and conditionally loved by my family since I was very young, and a couple times physically abused. I would get bullied in school then come home and be bullied by my mother. I started having bad anxiety attacks around age 17. I started smoking pot around age 16 to escape my feelings of depression and then it became an escape from my family as well as a sort of rebellion. It became an obsession. Now it gives me too much anxiety unless I smoke very specific kinds of pot. I have been living in a basement for 5 years with no privacy that walks through to my parent’s office room. I am not allowed to have a door and there are cameras in the room above my room and on the door outside my room. They monitor me at all times because I took $20 from them once when I was a kid and I smoked pot for a long time and kept getting caught and kicked out a couple times. More recently with all my successes comes retaliation: going out to dinner without me as a family, ransacking my room under the guise of cleaning it for me, etc.
I’ve been to many therapists. I’ve had maybe one good one. The best therapists are probably psychiatrsts but they make a lot more money working on your meds over giving you talk help. I had a really good one at my college but I graduated and she moved back to Japan and didn’t give me any kind of contact info.
I’ve tried tons of meds. The only med that’s ever worked for me is Klonopin. I’ve tried anti psychotics, a lot of benzos, a lot of SSRI, and other stuff. I took 3mg of klonopin for a while but my family black mailed me into lying to get myself into a psych ward and convinced the psychiatrist there to hold me for 9 days when he was going to release me 3 days in. It was working really well but now I’m back to 2mg.
I’m saving up for some time and waiting for my job to go perm to move out in case I run into money issues or got fired. I really want to push onward and be happy but I’m not used to working this many hours and I feel this emptiness and I don’t feel proud of myself for my accomplishments. The only person I feel truly cares about me is my grandma and she is going through so much losing her husband that I can’t really vent to her too much.