Depression hitting me again!

[Masterofnone]

after 3 and half years of not being able to find a decent job( along with battling severe depression) i finally decide to start working as barista 2 months ago and I’m already in third month before everything going good kinda. . . (if i don’t mention not getting paid for 2 months because of this COVID-19 thing)
before start working i always had these suicide/self loathing thoughts but for this last 2 month i was getting better
but since week i start to hang out more with our staffs and i start to have a crush on one my co-workers in cafe shop, i’m working with her for couple of weeks and i didn’t fancied her at all at the beginning but the more i spend time with her i find her more attractive (i meant more like personality wise)
she is 5 years younger than me studying in my province in a university (probably will be back to her city in couple of months)
i can’t stop thinking about her (not sexually, i just wanna spend more time with her), and the thought of not seeing her in future literally makes me wanna die i had these kind of feeling only about 2 other girl in my whole time and both of them went away without me doing anything or taking any action
she is also really close to another of our male staffs and i just can’t figure out the true nature of their relationship
i can feel the depression creeping on me again, the suicide thoughts. . .

i know the real world have real problems, real people in dire situations and me bitching about girls is kinda of pitiful

worst than anything there is not a single living soul that i can talk to about these things.
this is my only outlet. . .sigh

[Micro]

Hey @Masterofnone,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. There’s nothing ridiculous in what you’re going through. Really. For sure, there’s covid and so many things going on in this world right now. But what happens at a larger scale doesn’t invalidate your own life. We’re all still living, existing, facing realities that are very different, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. How you’re feeling is valid. What you’re going through matters. Because it’s about your life, about you. So, no worries for sharing. You’re always welcome to do so.

after 3 and half years of not being able to find a decent job( along with battling severe depression) i finally decide to start working as barista 2 months ago and I’m already in third month before everything going good kinda. . . (if i don’t mention not getting paid for 2 months because of this COVID-19 thing)
before start working i always had these suicide/self loathing thoughts but for this last 2 month i was getting better

First off, congratulations for your job! Seriously. Three years and half and you got a job, that’s a wonderful accomplishment. It can be so hard to find a job these days. I hope you’re proud of yourself for your perseverance, especially since you’ve been doing this while battling with depression. It’s huge.

I know from my own experience how depression can really make us feel like we don’t fit in this world, like we’re stuck. We can even question our capacity to have or keep a job… So again, congrats friend.

i can’t stop thinking about her (not sexually, i just wanna spend more time with her), and the thought of not seeing her in future literally makes me wanna die i had these kind of feeling only about 2 other girl in my whole time and both of them went away without me doing anything or taking any action

It sounds like this situation is triggering you. And it makes sense to be anxious about it, as you experienced similar losses/missed opportunities in the past. It’s normal to be afraid that a situation that made you feel distressed in the past will repeat itself in the future. But each of these relationships were different, friend. You are not experiencing the same thing over and over. You are safe right now.

i can feel the depression creeping on me again, the suicide thoughts. . .

May I ask if this is about the perspective of not having any contact with her anymore? Or the possible regrets for not reaching out to her? Or even maybe all at once?

In any case, all of this would make sense. Now if I understand well, she’ll probably still be here for a couple of months. So you may have a possibility to try to connect to her a little more. Is it something you intend to do or consider at all right now?

(No obligation to respond by the way. It’s totally up to you.)

worst than anything there is not a single living soul that i can talk to about these things.

Well, I understand that it’s not the same as having someone physically next to you, but this community is still here, anytime.

On the other hand, did you have the opportunity to discuss with a professional (a therapist, counselor, coach…) who could help you to reflect on how you feel? Depression and suicidal thoughts can be heavy to handle only by yourself. But I’m aware that money often interfere with the possibility to access to therapy. I personally had to spend quite some time to find a service that provides therapy at a very low cost. So again, just asking, because having this kind of safe space where you can interact with someone who’ll not judge you can be very precious.

Hold fast.

[Masterofnone]

first of thanks for your encouraging respond.

@Micro

May I ask if this is about the perspective of not having any contact with her anymore? Or the possible regrets for not reaching out to her? Or even maybe all at once?

like many great Tao philosophers said in the past when you day dreaming you living in the future and you miss out the present, i’m consistently thinking about how much i will get sad if she leave the town in future without me ever finding out if she interested in me or not
and it’s ruining my whole days, i acknowledge this problem but i just can’t handle my train of thoughts
maybe if i was a little bit more handsome and a lot more richer these thing would come out easier for me, idk it’s like i’m playing this LIFE GAME on expert mode!

meanwhile i encourage her during the work time to be positive if i see her feeling down ( that’s my only superpower i can tell from distance if you are feeling down or not )
i can make her laugh fairly easy
but i always be sure that i don’t invade her personal space when we are in work space since it’s a thin line between being too nice and being creepy sometimes

at the end all of these being “nice guy” doesn’t matter if at the end i don’t make a move on her and asked about how does she feel about me, and since we are both in a same workspace i afraid that if she shoot me down the aftermath will only awkwardness for me and her since we still have to work together

@Micro

On the other hand, did you have the opportunity to discuss with a professional (a therapist, counselor, coach…) who could help you to reflect on how you feel?

wish i had one but i don’t, most people around me can’t understand me other half are in troubles way more deep than me that i don’t even want to bother them with mines

i live in third world country so a good therapist or counselor really cost you a fortunate as far as i know and the cheap ones might don’t even worth trying out and on top of that my will to wake up in morning drastically got reduced since the recent events ( i work shifts start in 16:00 until 24:00 pm so i only have mornings free to myself)

2 years ago i find out one guy who i knew from past killed himself because of a girl
i remember that day i would keep asking myself: " why did he do that, i mean there is always plenty of fishes in the sea" now i kinda of get it and that’s really sad.

[SheetMetalHead]

@Masterofnone

at the end all of these being “nice guy” doesn’t matter if at the end i don’t make a move on her and asked about how does she feel about me, and since we are both in a same workspace i afraid that if she shoot me down the aftermath will only awkwardness for me and her since we still have to work together

You’re exactly right. You already know you’ll regret not asking her. It’s not in your imagination, it’s real. I’ve been there a lot before. You can try a soft approach. Ask her if she wants to go get some ice cream or a drink after a shift. My go-to casual date was always coffee, but I bet that’s the last thing you want to do after work If she’s open to spending more time with you, I don’t think she’d have a problem going on a casual date to just hang out with you. If she says no, that answers your question, and the truth is “no” doesn’t hurt too badly for too long. I don’t think it would make your shift too awkward. I think I only told one crush about my feelings for her. She said she didn’t like me that way, and it was a bummer, but we went right back to hanging out with the same friends and even studying together, and it wasn’t awkward.

@Masterofnone

maybe if i was a little bit more handsome and a lot more richer these thing would come out easier for me

That is NOT true! You are enough all on your own! I have a friend who has a lot of money but no self-confidence. He dates different women constantly, but only for a few weeks each before it falls apart. Those are not quality relationships. You live an honest life, work an honest job, and sound like you’re a genuine person, and if she overlooks those good things because you’re not rich, she’s not worth dating anyhow.

@Masterofnone

meanwhile i encourage her during the work time to be positive if i see her feeling down ( that’s my only superpower i can tell from distance if you are feeling down or not )
i can make her laugh fairly easy
but i always be sure that i don’t invade her personal space when we are in work space since it’s a thin line between being too nice and being creepy sometimes

You’ve shown her that you’re respectful, empathetic, encouraging, and funny! If she laughs “fairly easy,” she may be flirting with you. She knows the good qualities you have to offer, so if you ask her out, she has no reason to be unsure about you. The only reason she would say no is if she doesn’t think your personalities would match, but if I were her I’d figure there’s nothing to lose by just going out on a casual date or two. Go for it man. You don’t want to go on not knowing what could have happened.

[Masterofnone]

@SheetMetalHead

You’ve shown her that you’re respectful, empathetic, encouraging, and funny! If she laughs “fairly easy,” she may be flirting with you. She knows the good qualities you have to offer, so if you ask her out, she has no reason to be unsure about you. The only reason she would say no is if she doesn’t think your personalities would match, but if I were her I’d figure there’s nothing to lose by just going out on a casual date or two. Go for it man. You don’t want to go on not knowing what could have happened.

Thanks for your input I feel like I needed these advices, I feel a little bit more clear minded about my situation