Thank you so much for sharing all of this. There’s nothing ridiculous in what you’re going through. Really. For sure, there’s covid and so many things going on in this world right now. But what happens at a larger scale doesn’t invalidate your own life. We’re all still living, existing, facing realities that are very different, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. How you’re feeling is valid. What you’re going through matters. Because it’s about your life, about you. So, no worries for sharing. You’re always welcome to do so.
after 3 and half years of not being able to find a decent job( along with battling severe depression) i finally decide to start working as barista 2 months ago and I’m already in third month before everything going good kinda. . . (if i don’t mention not getting paid for 2 months because of this COVID-19 thing)
before start working i always had these suicide/self loathing thoughts but for this last 2 month i was getting better
First off, congratulations for your job! Seriously. Three years and half and you got a job, that’s a wonderful accomplishment. It can be so hard to find a job these days. I hope you’re proud of yourself for your perseverance, especially since you’ve been doing this while battling with depression. It’s huge.
I know from my own experience how depression can really make us feel like we don’t fit in this world, like we’re stuck. We can even question our capacity to have or keep a job… So again, congrats friend.
i can’t stop thinking about her (not sexually, i just wanna spend more time with her), and the thought of not seeing her in future literally makes me wanna die i had these kind of feeling only about 2 other girl in my whole time and both of them went away without me doing anything or taking any action
It sounds like this situation is triggering you. And it makes sense to be anxious about it, as you experienced similar losses/missed opportunities in the past. It’s normal to be afraid that a situation that made you feel distressed in the past will repeat itself in the future. But each of these relationships were different, friend. You are not experiencing the same thing over and over. You are safe right now.
i can feel the depression creeping on me again, the suicide thoughts. . .
May I ask if this is about the perspective of not having any contact with her anymore? Or the possible regrets for not reaching out to her? Or even maybe all at once?
In any case, all of this would make sense. Now if I understand well, she’ll probably still be here for a couple of months. So you may have a possibility to try to connect to her a little more. Is it something you intend to do or consider at all right now?
(No obligation to respond by the way. It’s totally up to you.)
worst than anything there is not a single living soul that i can talk to about these things.
Well, I understand that it’s not the same as having someone physically next to you, but this community is still here, anytime.
On the other hand, did you have the opportunity to discuss with a professional (a therapist, counselor, coach…) who could help you to reflect on how you feel? Depression and suicidal thoughts can be heavy to handle only by yourself. But I’m aware that money often interfere with the possibility to access to therapy. I personally had to spend quite some time to find a service that provides therapy at a very low cost. So again, just asking, because having this kind of safe space where you can interact with someone who’ll not judge you can be very precious.