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Depression is all I have

Sometimes I wonder how I manage to hang on. Everyday I feel like just ending it right then and there. I lost my happiness 8 years ago when the divorce with my parents happened. I’ve always hated them and myself for it. Now that I’m in high-school I became more aware of a lot of things and I don’t want to live. Ever since the divorce my mom had gotten worse. Slowly and slowly every year became worse than before. This year is the worst. She takes all her anger out on me and never wants to listen to me. She makes decisions for me. The one day I finally open up to her about what is going on she doesn’t understand. I’ve tried and I’ve tried to hold on and now I just feel like giving up. What’s holding me back? I found love even through all of this. He is my best friend and also my boyfriend. He’s the reason I’m still holding on. I’m grateful to him. He’s the only person that tried to understand me and he is the only one that gets me through these tough times. Even after I was so close to trying to run away or to kill myself. I don’t know what to do now. Today was horrible like the rest and I dont want to keep feeling like some piece of crap that gets thrown around.

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Hey @Quiet.mage.1841,

Thank you so much for being here. Just taking the time to write down your thoughts can be very needed and powerful sometimes. It sounds that life has been rough for you these days and in such circumstances it’s okay to share how you feel.

First off, I’m sorry to hear about your parents divorce. I never experienced nor witnessed that in my own family, so I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was for you. It was an important even for your parents, for you, for your family. It shakes your world. So it makes sense to feel impacted and to have a hard time to deal with it. It was probably a difficult decision for your parents as well, and I don’t know if at the moment you had the possibility to talk about how it made you feel, but know that it’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, or just having mixed emotions because of it. It’s also okay to still struggle with it 8 years after. It was a loss in your life, and it takes time to deal with those things.

I hear that your mom is also affected by it. You witnessed it through the years and I’m sorry to hear that communicating has been difficult because of it. When there are deeps emotions involved, talking and being vulnerable can be very uncomfortable for everyone. Same with being supportive with each other - even though it’s the role of your mom to be there for you too. I experienced that in my own family after the loss of my brother. It felt like there were walls everywhere around me, like carrying a heavy burden that affects me deeply yet having no real place to talk about it or just share his name. It brings a feeling of powerlessness while you still have to deal with the same feelings, the same situation.

Even if your mom didn’t understood or really listened to you, know that it was very brave to talk to her. That is something you can be really proud of. Her reactions, her feelings, her situation are not your fault. It is something out of your control, even though I understand that it’s very disappointing and hurting. You want to be heard, you want to be treated differently, you just want some peace. All of those things makes sense and are valid needs.

Though it seems that your boyfriend is a real beacon of light in your life, which is so awesome. It is so important to have people around us who are willing to listen, to understand without any judgment. I wish with all my heart that this relationship will grow stronger through this season. Holding hands while facing hurdles of life is so precious.

Friend, I can’t promise you when things will get better. It would be a lie and disrespectful to pretend knowing that kind of thing. What is sure though, is that 1/ depression is not all you have, and 2/ every breath you take is a renewed opportunity to try. I know depression is incredibly overwhelming, such as suicidal thoughts. It’s draining. It creates this invisible wall between you and the rest of the world. It feels like it requires so much repeated efforts just to get your head above water while anything can make you feel like drowing in an instant. But you will win that battle, friend. You boyfriend loves you. I want to believe that, your mom, beyond her blindness and anger, loves you. We love you here. You are seen, you are heard, you are loved, so much. Whether you cry or smile, you are loved. And you will make it through this season of your life.

Keep fighting friend. Keep allowing yourself to reach out when you need it. If your mom is not in a position of listening right now, there are still people who are willing to sit down with you and take the time to encourage you.

I’m sending hugs your way. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you, that means a lot that I have support from you and everyone else. I’m just going through a lot and I wish things are getting better.

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