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Depression self hate confusion (trigger warning)

Do you ever feel strange when you hold a knife in your hand.

Hey @Jax,

I certainly felt a weird feeling while holding something potentially harmful from time to time, as it can trigger some very dark thoughts and make me feel a bit disconnected from everything else. When this happens, I try to shift my focus on something else until it goes away.

Are you safe right now? Is that something you are experiencing in the present moment?

I’d really like to hear about you and understand why this question came to your mind today, if you’re comfortable with sharing about it. :heart:

I’ve already cut myself several times now I just broke down but There was nobody to talk to.

Thank you for your response. :heart:

I’m sorry to hear that, friend. It’s still good that you came here. Also, I’d like to encourage you to call a crisis line when you feel on the edge to hurt yourself. The dynamic of this forum is less direct than a phone conversation and no one is a professional here, only people giving some time when they can. :heart: Crisis lines are available anytime though. It’s a resource that you have the right to use anytime, 100%, with no limits. And there will always be someone to respond and support you as quick as possible if you’re experiencing an urge to harm.

In any case, know that you’re not alone right now. :heart:

May I ask if your wounds need medical care? And did you throw that knife away from you?

I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this. Now it’s time to be safe and take care of yourself.

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no I don’t need medical care and I’m still playing with the knife.
and I wouldn’t be able to talk to someone over the phone about this.

Alright. I understand for the phone. I’m generally very stressed about phone calls too, and not really able to express myself properly through those. Crisis lines services have different kind of ways to interact though, like a texting option. :heart: I leave the links to their services here, just because it’s always good to have those available:

Would you agree to put the knife down so we can discuss? I promise you don’t need to use it anymore, even if it can feel safer to you right now. You’re not alone. And it’s not because it started that you can’t stop what you are doing.

I know I’m just a stranger, but you can even imagine me helping you to put it away from you. Just like a friend would do.

I want you to be safe. And I believe in you for this. You don’t deserve any pain.

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I guess so I mainly do it to feel alive as cliche as that sounds but it’s the truth.

Thank you. That really means a lot. Also the fact that you’re here and sharing about what’s going on. :heart:

I personally don’t think this sounds cliche at all. It actually makes really sense. The pain can help to feel something, especially if you feel emotionally numb for one reason or another. But both you and I know that even if it’s hard to resist against the urge of feeling something, anything, it’s not healthy to use pain as a way to convey this. You only deserve lots of love right now.

You are alive, friend. Even if doesn’t feel like it all the time. You’re here. Existing, breathing. You’re feeling. But maybe it’s been hard to be connected to your emotions these days.

Did this happen suddenly, or something triggered how you feel right now? You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. I’d totally understand and respect that.

It kinda started when my sister and brother in law visited recently, my brother in law really upsset me and put me in a bad funk, which kinda started a fire inside me that has just slowly gotten out of control.

I see. Ugh… people can be very triggering without really being aware of it. I don’t know what is your relationship with him, but I hope it wasn’t an argument or something. Tensions in family can be tough to handle. When my parents visit me, I’m always on edge and feel a relief only when they’re gone, just because they’ll always comment everything and it feels like they’re invading some privacy.

Does your sister know about your current struggles? Or anyone else in your family or relatives.
I saw the tags you chose for your post: depression, suicidal thoughts, loneliness. All of this can be really heavy to handle only on your own. It can be good to have a safety net and people you trust with this.

Yeah we did argue to the point where we were yelling over each other, I feel he’s to self righteous and is to obsessed with the future and he started saying I was a nighlest and that I couldn’t understand because I’ve never been in a relationship or have children. And yeah I wasn’t able to relax till they left, and no my sister doesn’t know but I don’t really like her she comes across as fake like she is always putting on a fake face.

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Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry he said that to you. That doesn’t make any sense and I’d also be very pissed in your situation. :woman_facepalming: Makes sense to feel frustrated and need to release that energy how you can. And I guess lots of misunderstandings can happen when communication is enstranged… Ugh.

Also sorry your relationship with your sister is not the best. I have a sister too. We’re close to each other, but we spent a long time having a kind of superficial relationship, just because we were both struggling for different reasons. Learning to know each other better takes time. I hope this would change positively for you and your family. And in any case, know that you have a family right here in this community. The family we have is also the one we choose, thankfully. :heart:

Are you from US btw? Just asking because I wonder if it’s late for you or not.
(Also sorry I ask a lot of questions 8) Just learning to know you better.)

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Thanks lol It’s all good I don’t mind questions and yes I’m from the US it’s 4:00 am for me but I’m wide awake.

Good, 'cause I’m always curious :hrtjakelul:

Aaalright, 4am, that’s indeed super late (or early?). It’s 11am where I live.

How do you occupy your nights generally? Every night owl needs some things to enjoy and focus on. :owl:

I usually try to draw and work on the hundred different projects that I have.

Thats.really.awesome. Creativity can be so powerful. Also understand having tons of projects at the same time, haha.

In case you don’t know it already, there’s a huge part of this community who have a creative hobby as well - of all kinds, but mostly visual arts. Just people who love to share and support each other with their art. I don’t know if you’re comfortable with sharing your art as well, but if you’re interested by creative communities, you can always stop by during the DanMakesHisMark segment of Heartsupport streams on twitch.tv/heartsupport (Tues/Wed/Thu at 1pm pst) or on Discord: https://discord.gg/heartsupport (there’s a section with the same name. You can share your art, ask for give advices, share your journey, just keep growing as a creator in a safe environment… :slight_smile: ). It would be awesome to see you there if not already. :heart:

Just checking in since we started to discuss: how do you feel right now?

Well my art probably wouldn’t be suitable it’s more of the the mature variety. And I’m doing a bit better since Ive had something else to focus on.

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Oh, I see! Well I guess it depends. You can always try to discuss about it to “DanMakesHisMark” on Discord, who’d be able to tell you if it’s okay or not. :heart:

Otherwise, I’m glad you’re feeling better, even just a bit.

I’m sorry I’ll have to go offline for a moment, but please feel free to send me a DM if things gets tough. Also really don’t hesitate to join a crisis line or use the HeartSupport Discord server (“real-talk” room if you need to share anything). There will always be someone to respond. You are not alone and you don’t have to stay alone if you’re struggling. I know it’s tough to reach out. I appreciate you for taking the time to be here, to share all of this and fighting against the thoughts and overwhelming feelings that can arise sometimes. Your brother in law doesn’t deserve to take much space in your mind or your heart. Really.

Thank you for sharing. Again. I’m glad to know a little more, Jax. And I hope we’ll discuss again soon. Please, be safe. And keep us - this community - up to speed about what’s going on. We’re in this with you, and physical distance doesn’t change anything. :heart:

Alrighty thanks for taking the time to talk with and listen to me.

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