I’m not sure where to start but here goes. I’m 32. I have two daughters. Three years ago I was in an abusive relationship and when I left I lost my home etc. I decided to move one hour away and start over. The father of my children took my daughters away when I moved and cut all my contact off with them. This threw me into a severe state of depression and it became really hard for me to function. I started using drugs as a way to cope but the depression got so heavy. I am constantly grieving and sad. Sometimes I’ll spend days sleeping because I am hurting so bad all the time. I’m trying very hard to get myself off of drugs so I can go back to fight for my daughters but it is a struggle. The grief is so heavy I physically feel it in my heart. I’m sad because I love my daughters more than anyone or anything and I feel lost because I have been away from them and have missed out on so much. The guilt tears me up. I feel like I’m not worthy to get clean because I don’t deserve to be loved. When you have kids you aren’t supposed to lose them. I feel like I failed. I feel lost. I feel like I’m drowning under the weight of the sadness. I feel trapped. I just want to get out of this hole. I want to fix my life but I’m struggling. Thank you for listening.
I’m so sorry that you are going through, it terrible that you lost your daughters. It fuck up of what your ex did to you, he had no right take them always from you. Even if you a addiction, you still have a right to see your kids.
I don’t know it your ever hear of DBT therapy, it help with people with addictions and mental health. You take a group with or even at least get a book about it.
Your deserved to be love, please try to push forward as best as you can
It’s hard to imagine how difficult this must be for you. My daughter was involved in a custody battle with her former partner. She also deals with depression, bipolar disorder, and at the time, drugs/alcohol. She lost her son for a couple of years, and almost lost her daughter. She got help, stopped using drugs, and eventually stopped alcohol. She also got her son back, although it took several court appearances and documentation by a child advocate that she had her life in order and could responsibly care for her children.
The unfortunate thing is, grief, depression, and guilt undermines a person’s ability to make positive changes. Therefore, you absolutely need professional help. I don’t know what your financial situation is, but in most areas, there are mental health services available for people with low income.
Love them more than drugs, depression and guilt.
You are struggling, reaching out, and facing yourself honestly. For that reason, you deserve both respect and love.
I was a Guardian ad litem for a few years, and learned that a lot of people find themselves unable to parent effectively, and lose their kids. It was my job to make sure the kids were okay in whatever foster situation they were in, and also spend time with their parents, to see how they were doing, and hopefully progressing towards reunification. I don’t have statistics at hand, but I would say 7/10 parents do get better, and are reunited with their kids.
It sounds like you messed up, but as long as you keep trying, you have not failed.
That’s why you need help. You love your daughters. They need a whole and healthy mom.
Before breakfast, look for available help in your area, and make a call. That first step can change your life.
From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ
Hi Kirstxd, I’m sorry you can’t be with your children. Was this a court order and does he have full custody of them or did he like “take” them away from you? Are you completely cut off with no contact at all? I hope this isn’t permanent and you can be reunited with them again. ~Mystrose
From: eloquentpetrichor
Welcome to the community Kirstxd! I’m so sorry you are struggling and you aren’t able to be with your daughters right now.
Their father cut off your contact with them. What exactly does that mean? Is it an actual custody situation? Could you ask him if you can do something? Would you be allowed to send them physical letters so that you can let them know that you love them and keep them updated on your life so that they know you are trying to be better so that you can see each other again? Even if he doesn’t let them respond or says he will read them first before letting them see the letters would you be able to ask and would you want to do something like that?
I know you feel like you aren’t worthy of being loved or getting better but that just isn’t true. If you were allowed some kind of way to tell your daughters that you miss them do you think that would help you get clean and feel better?
I’m sorry. I ask these things because I don’t know what to say really to help you but it sounds like they are a major part of your life and I hope that you can find a way to get better so that you can be a part of their lives again. Good luck and please update us again anytime you like 
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend, Welcome to heart support. Thank you for your post. It sounds like you have been through an incredible amount of heartache and I am so sorry about that. No one deserves to be abused by anyone else, its wrong and I am so glad that relationship ended. I cannot imagine what losing your children was like and I can see why you were desperate and turned to something to try to help you manage, sadly it was something that has made the situation harder. So now you are in this dark place and you need to find the light and I think you need to find someone or some people that can help you, its not something I think you can do alone. I would encourage you to please go and see your GP and ask for any help you can get, but do it for yourself,and then for your children. I have faith that with help you will find that light and make the progress necessary to move forward with your life and hopefully even be able to sort out something with your children, but for now you just have to ask for help. We are also here for you during this process. You are loved. Lisa. x
Thank you so much for sharing with us, here. Your love for your kids and your desire to have a life where you can see them again is so clear. That’s proof of a very very deep love, and I hope you know we can all see that!
Man, you left one toxic place and you thought things woukd get better, instead they just got a whole different sort of worse. I’m so sorry. That is so so much to carry.
You are absolutely deserve to have a clean, and healthy life! You absolutely deserve to be loved and feel loved! Those feelings are like our darkest thoughts and feelings tell is, but they are lies. You deserve to feel loved!
As one mother to another, you don’t seem like you’ve failed to me. I know it can seem like just a passing things for a stranger to me, but I genuinely believe this: you spoke about how much you’re struggling with this stuff. You spoke about how much it hurts. How much you want it gone. How much you live your kids. That’s not a failure. That’d a loving mother buried under a huge weight. Maybe you just need some external help carrying that weight.
Do you have access to a therapist or recovery groups or anything like that near you? Not everything is for everyone, but might be worth trying?
Also, over on the HeartSupport Discord server, I lead an Action Group for parents. It’s a space for any parent to come and talk about their life. It’s kind of quiet in there right now, but we have a few people and have weekly check ins and a space just for our group to talk about life and recieve support.
If you’re interested at all, you can reply here, or you can just join the server and DM me! I’m jezlie over there, too. 
Hello there Kirstxd, there is so much I want to say about your post!
Three years ago I was in an abusive relationship and when I left I lost my home etc. I decided to move one hour away and start over.
- Good on you for managing to escape an abusive situation. Sometimes you have to escape in order to survive it.
I’m trying very hard to get myself off of drugs so I can go back to fight for my daughters but it is a struggle.
- you have two lovely reasons and motivations, it is true, but it is a hard process to go through. What does your present support system look like? Are you in a safe space where you can detox? Are you enrolled in a program that could help you through this, and prepare you and help you?
The grief is so heavy… The guilt tears me up.
- This shows that you really want to be back in their lives. You know what can be powerful? The day you tell yourself that all that grief and guilt you’re feeling? They’re going to help you, they’re going to fuel you to do what you need to do to get to the healthy, clean life you want for yourself!! Feel the guilt, feel the grief, but knw that those will not be the only feelings inside you. There is love, there is strength, there is courage! Your past does not define you.
I feel like I’m not worthy to get clean because I don’t deserve to be loved.
- You’re in the right place for this! We believe that you do matter, and that you deserve love, peace and happiness. The circumstances were what they were, you can help change those now. It’s okay to struggle, this is a long journey. We’re here for you through it.
Are you working with a lawyer or someone who can help you with the legal aspects of your case? Custody, proving you’re clean and able to care for your kids, etc?
We’re all here rooting for you.
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