Edit: With some help, I have found a way to change my FB link. So if it was saved, the link should be broken now and no longer accessible. Which is great since I cannot be searched by name, email or phone number. I was able to find a way to get rid of the public posts that I could not make private. They are now hidden. Nothing on my profile is accessible now and I should no longer be able to be reached that way. Hopefully this will help in the process of having things resolved.
I’m having a really hard time right now. I don’t even really know where to begin to be able to explain the length and complexity of it all.
I’ve never had a good relationship with my mother. Who is an alcoholic, an addict and consumed with deep untreated mental health issues. She is toxic. We have not had a relationship for just about the entirety of my adult life. I moved out and once I realized I could disassociate with her for my own good without guilt, I did.
Since then, she has been hateful, spiteful and angry. She used to send police to my door for “wellfare” checks when I wouldn’t take her calls. Often trying to call the church I went to and get info out of the pastors, or my dads who at the time I had no contact with. She’d reach out to my friends and people I associated with, attempting to get all the info she could about me and would get angry when she didnt get her way.
I tried to forgive her a few times in my early 20’s much to my regret. Resulting in verbal abuse. And even as far as her lashing out drunk when I brought her over, while I was sitting in my car. She was beating on my windows, screaming. Scaring my neighbors.And when I swatted her away then called 911 to have her removed, she told the police that I assaulted her. Nevermind the fact she had just been screaming loudly and beating my car just moments before.
I had a rough upbringing with her. Which has caused me to need to push away from her and cut her out of my life. Her mental illness has caused her to be completely consumed by toxicity and anger. Over the years she has continued to message me through media, letters, voicemails and through people I know. Expressing hate, spite and anger. Even after being asked to leave me alone.
I have spent a lot years afraid of my mother. When she is not bothering me, I am okay. When she comes into the picture, it pushes me over the deep end and I lose myself. I go into a dark place that is hard for me to come out of. It’s a huge trigger for my PTSD.
My mother has zero understanding of my Autism. Many times I have tried to explain to her that I want to be left alone. I can’t handle her temper, attitude and way of communicating. I can’t handle it. It overwhelms me. But she continues to call me a liar. She’s told me she would spit in my face if she could see me in person. Though she has already when I was a child.
She continues to cyber stalk me. Make repeated accounts after I have blocked her. Reaching out to people I know and follow. Previously when I was working for Adobe, she would message those I worked with on social media. People I went to school and church with when I was a child and teenager.
After a while, I deleted all of her messages and threw them away because I would keep reading them and it would put me in this terrible place. I had to get rid of them. In the last couple years I have a few screen caps of when she has reached out to me on social media. I have screen caps of the uncountable times I have blocked her. The alias and fake names she’s tried to go by.
The things the courts want from me to get a straining order make things a little complicated. I need a lawyer. I need someone I can sit and consult with and discuss the years of experience that I have gone through, the fear it puts me through, the heavy and deep emotions that I face when she contacts me. And how dangerous it is for me. Even when she’s being “nice” she is not. In the publics eye she will say and do anything to appear sweet and kind. Going as far as telling people I follow that she loves them. Or following people who are openly transgender or gay when she does not actually support them. She writes me hateful messages because I dated a female once when I was in my early 20’s. Telling me its disgusting and using it against me when angry.
I am so stressed because she doesn’t realize the emotional baggage she is putting on me and what she is putting me through. All I want is to be left alone. That’s it. I just want to be left alone. I don’t understand why it’s so hard. Leave me alone. Please don’t contact me. And she has continued to for years. Why do I have to put myself through such stressful and anxiety inducing things like going to legal personal and the courts just to get her to get a clue? I have severe agoraphobia, social anxieties and do not handle leaving the house very well. It’s so hard for me to function on a day to day basis as it is. To do the things that I need to already, let alone deal with something as petty as this.
And again, I need a lawyer. Which I cannot afford. I have to have someone help me. My partner is often my voice and my ears. He helps advocate for me where I struggle to speak and understand on my own.
My mother has no idea what she is putting me through. Nor does she care. Because in her eyes, I am the one treating her wrongly. She is the victim. She feels that I owe her my time. She is my mother and I should treat her with more respect. She completely turns a blind eye to all of the emotional, mental and physical abuse she has put me through.
I cannot handle how she makes me feel. When she appears I am afraid of myself. I no longer have insurance so I do not have acccess to doctors or hospitals when I need it. Unfortunately, BetterHelp was not affordable for me or my family to pay for. But I AM trying to actively find a way to get myself on health insurance. Which is an entirely different battle taking my energy, without needing to worry about a lawyer to get my mother to simply leave me alone.
I am sorry this is so long. I just feel torn that I have to feel like I have to delete myself from the few places that I exist. I have had to change my name and usernames so many times and its SO frustrating. Phone numbers…just so she’d stop contacting me. I feel like I can’t just exist anywhere because she makes it a point to snoop in places she knows where I am and find me. Message and manipulate people out of information. I’m just tired of it.
I can’t talk here on my main account. I re-activated my FB because I am tired of her controlling my life and making me feel like I cant exist. But I can’t handle what it puts me through when she makes new accounts and messages me. Things like cover photos that are public are open spaces for her to leave a message on when she makes new accounts.
Why does it have to be so difficult for someone to just leave me alone? Why is “Please don’t contact me” such a difficult request? In my autistic brain, I cannot wrap my brain around it. I don’t understand.
Leave me alone. Do not contact me.
But for her, she cannot stand the fact that I ignore her. It just works her up and makes her angry and makes her want to lash out at me more.
I’m really having a hard time.
I don’t really want advice. I am trying really hard to find a way to get help so I can somehow get a restraining order. It just may not be able to happen as fast as I want. I just needed to get this off of my chest because I am hurting. I feel alone. I keep isolating away from the places I enjoy because I feel like I can’t be here. And I am tired of hiding.