Did I make the right choice?

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I haven’t been making any progress with the clinician they assigned to me in therapy. I know this will sound bad, but she just doesn’t have the level of experience I need. I need someone who has experience with BPD and can teach me coping skills. I feel like the coping skills I have learned in the past year came from the 2 month therapy program I went thru and now I’m just spinning my wheels.

For the past couple months, I’ve been feeling like I want to stop therapy. In the beginning, when I found out I was her first client with BPD and her knowledge of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) was not great yet, I decided to give her a chance with the idea that we would learn together. I’m pretty sure she has learned stuff, but I feel stuck.

During my last session, she yawned. When someone with BPD (or anyone for that matter) is talking to you and you yawn, it can, depending on their state of mind in that moment give the message that you are not interested in what they have to say which for people with BPD can quickly turn into them believing you hate them. It triggers our fears of abandonment and rejection. Even tho I know this and, in the past, have talked myself into the belief that this isn’t true (she does it pretty much every session), this time it really affected me (we didn’t have our masks on this time), and I decided to end my therapy.

I split with her in that second. I didn’t recognize it till later after I could think about it more. Either you are all good to me or you are all bad and in that moment of her yawning, she was knocked off her pedestal and devalued in my head. I didn’t want to see her, hear from her or even call the office and let them know I was done. Getting away from her was all I could focus on. I skipped a couple sessions without calling, but after getting a “you have 10 days to call us to make an appointment” letter, I called and let them know.

When stuff like this happens, I feel like I’ve hit a wall in my progress, and I’m frustrated that, even tho I have learned about my symptoms and am “aware”, my BPD still affects how I see the world (and myself) and how I react to things. I’m so tired of the constant fight in my head with myself. Trying to convince myself that just because a friend didn’t say hello, they don’t hate me. I’m always looking for reasons why my friends will abandon me and see everything in black or white, and fight with myself (or get help from friends) to see the grey (context) in things. I don’t go a day without emotionally suffering and it’s very frustrating when you are aware, but it happens anyway.

I honestly don’t know if I made the right choice. At least with this, the door isn’t closed. Ending therapy over a yawn seems pretty extreme tho.

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If i were talking with someone in an important setting and I yawned, I’d be so mortified and offer a very quick apology. Yawns happen, but man, you gotta own it as a professional and address it.
Even making a joke about the coffee being a decaf instead of regular.

Also brings up another idea, is there any other forms of the 2 month therapy program that you can join? They sound like they were a better fit with more appropriately trained persons to support you.

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As a professional she (your therapist) should have apologised for yawning as even outside a professional surrounding, when talking to someone about something and yawning is seen as rude.
secondly i just want to say that therapy is not for everyone and most people have a rocky start when finding a therapist right for them. I know of many people who went through many different types of therapy and different therapists before finding the right one for them. it is important to find what is right for you when it comes to self improvement.
I hope that your recovery can get back on track and you can begin feeling more comfortable within your mind.
best of wishes <3

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I am really proud of you for acknowledging how you felt and for realising you had split with her. Maybe not even in the moment, but you did recognise that.

As others have said, if you’re having an in-depth conversation with someone and they start yawning it is very off putting. I also wouldn’t feel confident or heard if they were doing that continuously.
And as others have replies I’d expect a “I am so sorry! I promise I’m listening”

You’ve acknowledged that you also are feeling like you aren’t making progress as she had limited knowledge of the very reason you were seeing her. That’s not a bad thing to acknowledge she has limitations. Maybe her time working with you have helped her develop deeper understanding and maybe she will in future start to continue her learning so she can become more equipped with tools and resources.

And you’re right, the door isn’t closed right now. Do you think you’d be wanting to research for someone who has a bit more background with BPD? I’m sure it’s not as easy as I have made it sound in writing, so I do apologise if that sounds very flippant of me.

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To be honest, I really can’t remember if she said sorry or not. I was too focused on how it made me feel and how fast I could get out of there and never see her again. If she did, it was just something small and not making fun of the coffee not having enough caffeine.

I have been invited to repeat the therapy program again and I would totally love to, but I do not want to deal with transportation again. It was a huge headache and caused me a lot of distress. There are online DBT groups but I think I need my therapist to set me up with one. I’ll have to look into it.

I am thinking about buying Dr. Fox’s DBT workbook and flashcards so I can at least work on myself that way. It just really helps me to be in a group environment for some reason.

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Thank you <3

I really hope that she learned some things and she goes on to be a great therapist. She is very nice person and I know she meant well.

I would LOVE to be able to find my own therapist, but unfortunately, being on disability I am in the system’s hands and I don’t have a say who I get. They just assign a therapist to me. It also usually takes forever for this to happen too. It took a good 6 months for them to find this gal for me.

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@Mystrose, oh friend. We go to a therapist looking for help, looking for their expertise and guidance. Being matched with someone who has very little knowledge about BPD must have been a difficult struggle. I know that you gave this your best and when you go week after week with no feeling of forward progress, it does make you feel stuck. That she yawned and then gave an excuse that wasn’t sounding sincere is not good. I’m sorry you experienced it and I understand you wanting out right then. That feeling of being unimportant hurts. You deserve better.

You are very knowledgeable about BPD and you have been a great mentor to me about helping someone with BPD in the time I’ve known you. I’m proud of you for using all of the tools you already have in your tool box and knowing yourself and why you reacted the way you did. I’m also proud of you for being so very proactive in your own care and health. If you can find a way to do the therapy program again, that would be wonderful. But I also understand the transportation and travel time issues. So I love that you are looking for other resources that you can use at home. You are amazingly self aware and you are a wonderful human who makes this world a better place.

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Thank you @Mamadien I appreciate you. :hrtlegolove:

I really do want to do the program over again, I think it was really good for me. But, yeah the transportation was a nightmare. We’re going to be getting a newer car this year some time, if I could drive myself, I would go.

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