I haven’t been making any progress with the clinician they assigned to me in therapy. I know this will sound bad, but she just doesn’t have the level of experience I need. I need someone who has experience with BPD and can teach me coping skills. I feel like the coping skills I have learned in the past year came from the 2 month therapy program I went thru and now I’m just spinning my wheels.
For the past couple months, I’ve been feeling like I want to stop therapy. In the beginning, when I found out I was her first client with BPD and her knowledge of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) was not great yet, I decided to give her a chance with the idea that we would learn together. I’m pretty sure she has learned stuff, but I feel stuck.
During my last session, she yawned. When someone with BPD (or anyone for that matter) is talking to you and you yawn, it can, depending on their state of mind in that moment give the message that you are not interested in what they have to say which for people with BPD can quickly turn into them believing you hate them. It triggers our fears of abandonment and rejection. Even tho I know this and, in the past, have talked myself into the belief that this isn’t true (she does it pretty much every session), this time it really affected me (we didn’t have our masks on this time), and I decided to end my therapy.
I split with her in that second. I didn’t recognize it till later after I could think about it more. Either you are all good to me or you are all bad and in that moment of her yawning, she was knocked off her pedestal and devalued in my head. I didn’t want to see her, hear from her or even call the office and let them know I was done. Getting away from her was all I could focus on. I skipped a couple sessions without calling, but after getting a “you have 10 days to call us to make an appointment” letter, I called and let them know.
When stuff like this happens, I feel like I’ve hit a wall in my progress, and I’m frustrated that, even tho I have learned about my symptoms and am “aware”, my BPD still affects how I see the world (and myself) and how I react to things. I’m so tired of the constant fight in my head with myself. Trying to convince myself that just because a friend didn’t say hello, they don’t hate me. I’m always looking for reasons why my friends will abandon me and see everything in black or white, and fight with myself (or get help from friends) to see the grey (context) in things. I don’t go a day without emotionally suffering and it’s very frustrating when you are aware, but it happens anyway.
I honestly don’t know if I made the right choice. At least with this, the door isn’t closed. Ending therapy over a yawn seems pretty extreme tho.