Ok I don’t know how to describe this in a way I think conveys the true depth of how I feel I literally feel direction less in life like there’s no end goal I’m working towards when I worked I never wanted a promotion that lead me to move up the totem pole of power when I went to school I never wanted to do anything other then what I needed to get done to graduate and even then I didn’t really give a shit if I did or not even in my gender transition I don’t have a end goal I just wanted on hormones and that was it I don’t want surgeries I don’t want to own my own home or have the wife 3.5 kids and a picket fence I have no drive other then if I’m dead that makes my friends and family sad and I just don’t want them sad I don’t know how people can want more responsibilities in their profession I don’t get how people can want all these things when I’m sitting here on my bed. Just staring at the wall not even content in what I have just indifferent to it all if I was homeless and starving I’d just waste away cuz I just don’t care
I want you to know I read your post and that you’re not staring at the wall alone, well you are but I’m with you in spirit. Tonight I’m outside watching a campfire burn, looking at the stars. I don’t think we live in a directionless and purposeless universe. It seems too fine tuned to me.
I applaud you for caring so much for you friends and family that you’re willing to stay the course. My daughter did that for me until she committed to living life to the fullest. I hope you’ll find your way into all that potential within yourself.
It could be that and all encompassing word for what your describing would be depression, yet I believe the depression is a symptom of other circumstances, for example, having spent considerable time feeling overwhelmed, lost confidence, despair, apathy, or simply not having discovered anything that you can feel passionate about.
Not wanting to own a home, have 3.5 kids, a wife, etc. is evidence of self understanding, which is a good thing. If you feel that not wanting those things goes against expectations that others have for you, realize that their expectations are not what you live for.
I suspect that you sit there, staring at the wall, and feeling indifferent may be the result of a very long-standing habit of not expecting to experience anything of interest.
Our vision is selective. Much of what we see is exactly what we expect. We usually cannot see reality that we don’t expect to. That’s why a person in despair will not see opportunities to make things better. Once a person is in a rut, perceiving life in the same way day after day, it’s easy for them to be convinced that life has nothing better to offer.
I think for now, you don’t need to worry about having an end goal. It’s difficult to choose long-term goals while feeling so down emotionally. I think for the immediate future, the focus needs to be how to make this day, even slightly better than yesterday. It might even be necessary to look at just the next hour, and how you can manage to engage in thoughts that are a bit less negative.
How often do you think about doing something for fun? If not thinking about fun, how about a measure of contentment in the present moment? For some people, happiness isn’t about being all bouncy and elated. Instead, it may be just being at peace with the moment. Maybe, while staring at the wall, you can tell yourself that you are entitled to such moments, when you can allow your mind to wander and daydream. Such moments can be appreciated, and facilitate self-exploration.
For some people, deciding what they want to do with their life, is inspired by things that they thought were fun as children. Some people take aptitude tests. Others simply play “spin the bottle.” It appears that most folks start on several career pathways, and change course several times. I’ve held a ridiculous number of jobs, and have gained something from every one of them. I did have to major careers, and one of them was not a whole lot like the other.
Is there anything you might say to a homeless and hungry person who is feeling apathetic? I believe you would want to be warm and nurturing towards that person. I think you might really care about being caring.
I care about you as a person. I also appreciate that you are reaching out to us here. To me, it’s an indication that at depth, you do care about people, and by the way, you are a people too.
Right now, the direction you should choose, is self-care. That includes your entire self. Get enough rest, adequate nutrition and emotional support. If you are under doctor’s care to address your mental health, make sure this person knows exactly what you’re going through. You are not your past. Your future does not need to be like your past.
Stay in touch, Wings
I am so self aware that it’s become a detriment at times
Yeah I kinda remember around the age of 5 or 6 everything just started losing its wonder and fascination and just kinda started delving into fiction cuz if I couldn’t find joy in the real world through my eyes I could see the joy or other emotions in the characters I played or read about or watched. I’m not a outdoor type person even separate from my agoraphobia the outdoors just dosent do it for me like it seems to do others.
Never ? I honestly don’t know emotions feel really distant when I’m not feeling them like they almost feel like they don’t exist
I don’t know cuz it dosent feel like there’s anything I can say to someone in that spot in life I’ve never been homeless so I personally feel like anything I say would be trite and pointless
I do care about others and that’s kinda what just keeps me alive in some aspects I feel really scared when I think about my death and the idea I can’t be around my friends anymore or the fact I can’t absorb anymore knowledge regardless of how useless it is
I’m sorry if this dosent really make much sense I’m trying to answer in a way my brain can make sense of it as so if I treated your post like exam questions I’m sorry it’s just really hard to focus on those emotions