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Disappointing and want to disappear

I keep disappointing and hurting the people I care about most. The ones who care most for me. I just want to disappear. To withdraw from everything and no longer be this person anymore. My attempts to be better have backfired or caused frustration. I can’t fight self-loathing anymore. Too many reasons keep coming up telling me I’m not getting better. So why keep fighting? Why keep going when I end up here time and time again?

I was doing better, it was an okay day. Then I caused problems again. It all came flooding back, again. It’s been literal years of disappointing others, disappointing myself, letting everyone down. I’m tired of wasting people’s time and resources.

At church on Sunday they spoke about community and not isolating, but why keep going on and being the one who causes the hurt? Why stay in people’s lives if I’m not getting better? I’m believing I’d be better off alone, so when I’m not getting better it reduces the casualties. Am I wrong? I don’t see a way out.

Idk why I’m posting this.

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Dear @Stafflower,

I’m sorry you’re going through such a dark season. My heart goes to you.

I see you. And you’re such a beautiful person. But you are too hard on yourself friend. No matter what you did or said, you are so loved. We all make mistakes and no one is perfect. But we can learn from our mistakes if we allow ourselves to grow, if we don’t blame ourselves endlessly.

Also there are certainly events that happened to you but saying that it shows that you’ll never get better is still a personal interpretation. I understand. It is so exhausting when you feel like your life is a neverending circle and you can’t progress. But you do progress. Right now you are disappointed so it might be difficult to see it. But you progress. Every time you try, every step further is a progress. Every victory, even the smallests ones, are yours entirely and won’t ever dissapear.

Isolating yourself would probably only hurt even more. I do that when I struggle, but it never brought me anything good in the end. It just makes the lies, doubts and fears even worse. I am aware that it’s very hard to fight against this urge to stay alone.

Sometimes being alone is needed. But also sometimes we use isolation as a way to punish ourselves and prevent us to receive the support we need, just because it hurts to hear that we’re loved while we feel disappointed by ourselves. But you can fight against that feeling. You can trust your friends. So please don’t forget that there are people right here and right now who genuinely love you and care about you. Keep reaching out. You are loved. There is no mistake that would be worth hiding yourself. You belong to the light, not to the darkness.

Take care friend. :heart:

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Hey Micro,
Thank you for your kind words and relate-ability, its really comforting and helpful to know that I have people like you, in this community, on my side. Its easy to forget that. And definitely something I have been punishing myself with-isolation. I haven’t felt worthy of love and people’s time, so I hide when I feel like that. I’m a little better today, trying for things that need to get done and help me feel better now that I am in a place to receive it. Its still rough and I have massive regrets. Have you ever felt that after self imposing isolation or taking time to be alone? If so, how did you get through it without spiraling again? I’m not sure if that’s an issue for you, too, but thought I would ask just in case.

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Sometimes we believe we are disappointing people but in reality we are not. I thought I disappointed my parents many times, but in the end they are still proud and they still love me.

At least know we are not disappointed in you, many people aren’t. Many people are quite proud of you.

Just try your best, that’s all anyone can ask. The sun will rise, and we will try again.

Love you man.

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Hey @Stafflower,

Thank you for your reply! I’m glad to hear that you’re doing slightly better. And it’s good to see you. :heart:

For your question, sorry by advance if my response is mostly some ramblings… I’ll just reply as it goes to my mind. :smiley: Hopefully it could help a little.

I surely felt that way - if not always, but for different reasons. You mentioned “self imposing isolation” and “taking time to be alone”, which I’d like to see as being different, as it can imply different kind of motivations. I can’t remember where I read that, but I agree with the idea that there is a difference between isolation and solitude. In both you’re alone, that’s a fact. But for me, the difference is: - if you chose or not to be in this situation, - if it helps you to grow or not. So “why” this situation, what consequences it has on yourself, your well-being, will influence how to get over it.

A few years ago I would have replied to you that I feel guilty in both situations. But with time I tried to learn to accept that it’s okay to take some time for yourself, to be alone, away from distractions or social interactions when you need it. Just because this world can be so overwhelming in itself. And you can find some growth through solitude, through those moments when you reconnect to yourself.

On the other side, I guess the next step would be to work on forgiving myself when I actually isolate, this time for wrong reasons, to actually hurt/”punish” myself in a certain way. If I drown myself into isolation, it’s with the intention to be away from others, most of the time because I’m struggling and feel like I don’t deserve to receive any sort of kindness from anyone. And it just hurts even more to do that… on purpose.

I think when you’re aware that you tend to do this, then you’re getting some helpful knowledge to prevent it to happen again and again. Or at least in a way that is less damaging. Doesn’t mean it’s easier to fight against this urge, but it’s still something that can be changed over time.

Anyway, I guess the first question you could ask yourself is “why do you feel guilty”? Because the way you will respond to those reasons could be different. For me, it depends on the situation, the circumstances. But most of the time it’s a mix between the following reasons: - I put my life aside, feel like I wasted time and sabotaged myself, like I wasted the efforts I’ve been doing before; - I behaved in a way I didn’t want to, just because it’s difficult to think clearly when emotions are intense; - I realize that I lost the battle against the urge to isolate myself; - I wasn’t available for those I love; - I feel like I betrayed others love/trust/kindness, like I failed at honoring that. And it clearly reinforces the guilt, disappointment and internal self-bashing. Because I become aware that I did the wrong choice, as it only added more pain to a situation that was already difficult.

I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but when I get slowly back on my feet after some time of self-isolation, I feel like a giant storm just crossed my way. That I have to deal with the damages I have caused to myself (or even others), to repair all the broken pieces. Whether it’s by the pile of things that has to be done and it’s way too late (bills to pay, work that has to be done, appointments that I avoided…); by how I treated my body and physical health (stop cooking and just eat what I find basically, sleeping way too much or not enough, not going outside anymore or as less as possible, not taking some time in the bathroom to just take a shower, brush my hair or anything); by the way I treat myself mentally (trying to numb myself with things that doesn’t allow me to think or feel, mostly things that aren’t inspiring nor fulfilling at all). Not mentioning all the negative thoughts about myself that are spiraling over and over.

It just hurts to go through this. And I guess the very first thing I try to do most of the time is not to rush. I take my time to heal from the wounds I opened. I try to do things that needs to be done, just like you mentioned, so I can get rid of that pretty quickly and it gets less stressful. I try to reverse progressively the things that were undone, step by step (one shower, one easy meal to cook at dinner, one walk outside…).

But I also try to create that transition between isolation and solitude on a more… spiritual/meaningful level (sorry I don’t how to name that). Actually, I’m in the middle of it right now. I hitted some pretty dark corner of my mind last week. But I have this kind of “list” of things that are meaningful/inspiring/fulfilling to me, that I can use depending on how I feel. The main idea with that is to give myself the time I need to reconnect with myself in a more gentle and loving way. Without added pressure. Well… I know our rhythm of life doesn’t allow us to do everything we want when we want. But we can still dedicate a specific moment everyday to just chill, relax and do something that is actually interesting and nourishing to our soul. Especially when we feel vulnerable. Especially when an emotional storm just drained our energy.

When my mind is spiraling, and when I’m in a place where I can consider to try to take care of myself, I find creative activities very helpful. Because it allows you to feel in a different way, to find yourself in a different temporality. And the cool thing is: because there are so many different kind of activities to try, then there’s a high probability to find something that you could appreciate. I like playing music, drawing, doing photography, reading, writing, singing, dancing. I’m not an expert of any of this and I don’t try to be. I try not to put any sort of challenge in those activities or, at least, in a very gentle way towards myself so I can see some progress. That’s probably the rule I try to stick with. And through all of this, I can feel in a different way, I learn to be a friend to myself, to forgive myself for the choices I made and repair the broken pieces.

These days, drawing helps me a lot. Doing it allows me to focus on a specific action, to reconnect with some physical sensations. But also to try, erase eventually, and try again. Just like we do when we fall down then get back on our feet. And I saw your drawings on Dan’s Discord. I’m not saying : “hey, drawing is important to me so this should be the same for you”. And maybe for you it’s just one thing between others. But I can only encourage you to keep doing it if that’s something that brings you some peace or joy or any positive feelings.

I’m sorry if this is a bit abstract or a too personal response. I just can’t underline enough how much having those creative spaces in your life can be helpful to actually give yourself some grace. Feeling guilty before, during and after self-isolation are still on the same line of self-depreciation. You certainly know what you appreciate, what makes you feel great, what makes sense to you, what motivates you when you’re doing okay and remains healthy to you. Those are things you can always hang on to when you need to clear your mind, when you need to slow down the lies spiraling again and again. There is some kind of grief when you get better after being in a dark place. I think it’s okay to acknowledge that. And you can always ask yourself: what would you say to a friend who would be in the exact same situation? What would you do to help them and make them feel better? I am sure you have the answers deep inside. :heart:

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Hey @Micro,
Thank you so much for your kind words and relating to what I’ve been going through. Your personal experiences in this area were especially helpful to combat the lies I keep believing in my mind. Its been a real fight and I keep letting myself be defeated. Yesterday I was a little better and took care of some stuff, but after not getting a lot of sleep last night, today was drastically affected and my mind was a mess as a result. I did finally take that shower though and at some healthier food today, so its not a total waste and progress is being made. Showing myself grace has been and is the hardest to do, as I know you understand. I’m trying to pick up the pieces and move forward, but its hard. Thank you for being supportive and encouraging through this season. And thank you @Lyss for the kind words as well! <3

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Hey @Stafflower,

So proud of you for the shower and food. That’s some real steps that you’re taking.

Lacking of sleep impacts… everything. Having restful nights is such important for our mental health and well-being. I really hope you managed to sleep well since you replied here.

Thinking of you today and sending love your way. Take care. :heart:

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My sweet friend.

I love you so much. Every time I see you my heart lights up. You are such a light in this community and you bring a smile to my face every time you are around. I am so sorry that you are battling with all of these feelings right now.

My heart aches, sincerely because I know exactly what it’s like. Because these are emotions I have been battling myself and it’s been really hard to not let it consume me.

I don’t want you to disappear. I know that you are feeling like a disappointment right now and feeling really down on yourself, but you are a beautiful human being. You are NOT a waste of time. You are NOT a waste of resources.

You are worth forgiveness my friend. You are worth loving. You are worth having and keeping around. Even if you make mistakes it’s okay. We grow and learn, my sweet friend. None of these things take away your worth. Sometimes we may have things we need to work on and improve and that’s okay. But it doesn’t deem you needing to go away.

Honey, my DM are always open to you. Truly and sincerely. So if you ever need a friend, please reach out. Because I absolutely love you my friend and want you to know that there is a friend here who is willing to listen and remind you how loved you are. No judgement, there is a safe space there. So if you ever need to talk, hit me up okay? Really.

love, love love.

I hope you are feeling better this week.

  • Kitty
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Hey friend,
Thank you so much for your uplifting words and encouragement. I was in a really hard place, but thankfully doing much better now. I got my meds, I’ve taken steps to building a better me right now and I’m handling stuff. Hoping to see a counselor soon too for regular therapy. I appreciate you so much and its always a joy to see you around different communities and interact with you! <3

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Good, that’s wonderful to hear. We all have moments where we hit those dark places. It’s human and it’s okay. I’m glad that you’re getting the self help that you need to heal and move forward. Therapy really is so great. I miss my therapist. I never thought I’d say that I looked forward to talking to a counselor. I was so afraid of it for so many years due to bad experiences. But the right one can be such a life changer. I really hope that you find one that works for you! :heart:
It still stands though, my DM are always open to you. I will always remind you how loved you are! You are very special and very dear.

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Yikes. I almost deleted that on accident when going to edit a typo. I’m so glad there is an undo button.

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