Disconnected

HeartSupport Support
1

I’ve been having a really hard time.
Not going to get into it too much here.
I’ve decided that it may be best to not talk about how I feel online. Not in detail anyway.

I’m struggling. I’m feeling disposable and feeling like I’m only good for serving others.

I’ve been pretty isolated lately. The more time that goes by the more I think I prefer it. It’s really hard keeping up with socializing and relationships. It’s also really hard going through feeling like people don’t value you the same as you do them. Feeling invisible. It’s easier to adjust to being isolated, than having friends and connections but feeling invisible and unvalued to them. (I’m not referring to this community in any of this. I’m talking about directly in my life)

I’ve been dealing with my PTSD and triggers from my childhood/upbringing lately. Which is normal for this time of year. Especially as my abusers have popped up multiple times indirectly.

It’s November which is the time to register and apply for health insurance. That’s been a huge let down. It’s not working out. So I’m feeling helpless and discouraged.

Everything feels like a fight. Which I don’t have mental energy for. It’s complicated. I don’t have the mental energy to type it out.

I’m just feeling really heavy. So I haven’t been around much. It’s too hard to acting like I feel better then I do.

Disconnecting.

2

Oh man, Koyangi, this is so relatable…“everything feels like a fight”…for your mental health, for your friendships, for your physical health / health insurance…it feels like literally everything that matters, everything that’s good requires so much from you…and things that you know aren’t healthy – like isolating – are so easy to do…and often pay off in the short term…and it’s so hard to hold onto the vision of working for your own long term because again, that requires so much fighting, so much energy…it feels like every day you start off at some kind of deficit, some kind of debt that you owe the world or that you owe the people in your life…and you have to expend so much energy just to keep up…

what an incredibly exhausting place to be.

-nate

1 Like
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Thanks, Nate. I appreciate you taking the time out to respond and relate.

I’m pushing through. Some days are harder than others. I’m extremely discouraged right now. However, I’ve still been trying to stay connected to my healthy hobbies, even though it’s challenging right now. I’ve recently sold a painting, had interest in one of my bigger ones and finished another last night that has had a lot of positive feedback. Encouragement in one place where another may lack, I suppose. It helps.

Isolating can be both unhealthy and healthy for me. I generally try to isolate in a way that is not damaging. Sometimes I just need to withdraw and reset myself. Collect my emotions and recharge. I still try to step out of my element and extend myself socially. For example, last week I went out with my future mother in law and ran errands with her. Bonus, I found some beautiful frames for my art. The following day we met up with one of my friends (that I made via a FB Market sale) and one of my partners co-workers to play board/card games over coffee. The barista opened the conference room for us. So that was nice.

I may retreat from a lot of places and spend a lot of time quietly to myself, but I try as I can to make time for the healthy people around me when our schedules line up. Even if it literally takes me ALL DAY to mentally and physically prepare. Which, honestly, sometimes it does. Sometimes I require going at a slow pace and being on the down low on the day of socializing. But I do make myself do it.

I try to communicate to my partner when I’m feeling a lot of hard thoughts and he tries to find ways to help me through it. Even if it’s just letting me talk at him for an hour or two or watching a movie.

So I may be extremely discouraged right now and feel mentally depleted and there may be things I need to do that are taking me time to work up to, but I am trying very hard to not let it completely consume me.

I feel low more days than I feel good, but I’m trying.

People like Kayla, Ashley, Adam and Lys have made effort to reach out and check on me even when I’m doing good. That means a lot. Where I have lost relationships in people that should be more present in my life, our community has done a great job of making me feel loved. It makes a bigger impact than they may even realize. But I think they know.

Love ya, Man. Appreciate what you do.