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Dismissed, hopeless

Earlier at work, my boss told me I “have to” be dismissed, apparently due to my health condition. He admitted of being concerned that, in the future, it could affect my quality of work. I have cancer and for the moment I’m having regular appointments in hospital for chemio and checkups. We already had an agreement about that and everything was alright but it seems today that he changed his mind.

After being diagnosed, I decided to not ask for any medical leave until I have no choice because I actually love my job. It gives me purpose and I meet wonderful people there. I was still at work when I had to, I did teleworking during the days off, also extra hours and nothing changed in the way I was doing my job. Nobody complained about nothing.

I just left this morning and couldn’t say goodbye to the people I’m used to meet on a regular basis (we’re a non-profit association in a social field). I know this isn’t right and I could defend myself because there was no objective reason for me to leave. But I was stunned. I’m exhausted and sick of bad news. As I’m already struggling with a cancer, I can’t put my energy somewhere else. I just can’t. Now I’m back home and can’t stop crying. I felt humiliated and ashamed. I’ve been taken off something that matters a lot to me. What am I supposed to do now? I’m useless. My husband is away for a week and the perspective of just staying at home seeing my body fall into pieces isn’t what I expected. Thought I was strong and tried to be until now but I can’t handle this.

It takes strength to share your struggle. You are strong.
I am sorry you have lost this position. If it is to much start drawing. Even if you cant… try it out. Try painting. Bob Ross went through cancer and he kept painting. If that is to much find things that will bring positive influence in your life. There is always hope. Reaching out is the first step finding worth, value, and hope.

You are loved.

Hold Fast
@MorganVinHoch
Morgan Vincent Hochstetler
HeartSupport Intern

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Hey @MicrosmosK,

Words cannot describe how much my heart goes out to you. I deeply sympathize with you in your situation. Your strength is immeasurable and I strongly admire that.

So many huge transitions are happening in your life at once. Take each day step-by-step. Focus on getting well, and try to keep your mind busy until your husband gets home (maybe read some books, watch TV, play some games).

On a separate note, you could also look into hiring a lawyer to push for a wrongful termination lawsuit. Alas, I’m just a random guy on the internet though, so take what I’m saying with a grain of salt.

Keep pushing on. You’re loved. You’re valuable. Hold fast.

-Eric

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Thank you for opening up here Micro! I remember you coming into Dan’s art stream just a few days ago talking about feeling brave. Hold on to that. I know it’s hard, trust me, I understand the pain of being backed into a corner. Even though my health concern isn’t cancer, this hits home, so hard. I was diagnosed with Arthritis a few months ago. I’ve been in my job for 5 years, and I’m very good at it… However, Arthritis is progressive, and it’s been progressing quickly recently. I don’t complain at work about it, I just get on with it. I spoke to my union rep at work about what my options would be, because I don’t want to leave my job. I suggested bringing in a note from my doctor to explain the situation and that I may need to be doing lighter work on the odd day when it flares up - however, she told me that if I did that, they would just kick me off the department due to the fact that, if you can’t do the full duty on my department, you are worthless.
I asked her to be honest and tell me what I can do, and what she told me broke me. I can either quit now because eventually they will force me off, wait until it’s so bad that I can physically and mentally no longer do the job and leave, OR wait until they force me off. I won’t have the choice. On top of all of this, I get so much grief from the people I work with over having to stop for a few minutes to rest or wearing a damn wrist support just so I can do my job without being in pain. It’s hard - I can’t understand how difficult it must be with cancer of all things, but I do understand how it feels to be forced into something you shouldn’t have to deal with.
You’re not alone in this. You aren’t useless. Even just by being here and sharing on the wall, in the streams, you are so incredibly useful! You’re encouraging people to open up, to help them feel less alone. Even if people can’t directly relate with this particular situation, we’ve all been at a point in our lives where we’ve felt this way. You’re loved.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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Hey! We covered your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch stream! He’s the live video response!
Hold Fast

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hey friend,
I love you so much and just want you to know that you’re wanted and valued. you are amazing and so strong. you are capable and we all believe in you. thank you for sharing and I hope you find safety and comfort here: )

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I’m sorry Micro to hear that you are going through this,
It sounds like you have been incredibly strong so far and I understand it must be exhausting to have to handle this at the same time.
I must ask, Do you have friends, family or a support system which you can be around while your husband is away.
I hope that even though the company you work for has chose to part ways that you can still continue with the friendships that you have formed there.

Maybe use some of this time to focus on you, other than the job do you have any hobbies or interests that you can take up to fill them time? Something to keep you busy and your mind occupied. I understand that you must have a lot of mixed feelings at the moment and they are completely valid.

Stay strong, we are here with you every step of the way. Much love-

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@MorganVinHoch, @Eric, @Kayla, @nicole_kaley, @scraycray, Casey, @Danjo

Friends, words are not enough to thank you. It’s been an hour since I’ve read and watch your replies and I still can’t realize how wonderful this community is. I’m definitely out of energy and willpower right now, but what you did and said is, actually, so powerful for me. You’re all so kind and it gives me more faith in this world, in life itself. What I’m feeling right now, after reading and watching this, is so deep, powerful, secure and comforting. That really helps and I’m so grateful that I found this place. That I found you, you beautiful souls.

Yesterday was really tough. And yes, the situation is illegal. In my country it’s indeed a discriminating situation. But I don’t want to fight back, for the reasons that were already mentioned. I asked him (the boss) to be honest as a proof of respect and so I know cancer was the real problem for him. In the end, I know that I did nothing wrong. I just respected this man so much and this whole situation is a deep disappointment on a more personal/human level.

Also now I’m in hospital because my body is causing me too much pain. Appearently being in acute stress like yesterday doesn’t help so much. But it seems like I’ll have to stay here for a while because we just found that cancer is growing. We’ll have to increase the intensity of treatments, which is scaring me.

Everything is happening so fast and I’m endlessly looking for this moment when I would be able to take a deep breath without being worried of anything. I’m 26, and the only thing I can think about is that I don’t want to die. I want to embrace life. But when I think I’m hitting the bottom of this situation, I realize that something else is pushing me deeper, under the ground, and then under the under ground… I don’t know what to expect from now and for the future.

I’m terrified and can’t pretend to have an active part in this fight. Medicine, technology and doctors are doing it for me. So the only thing I can do is being here, basically. I’m writing this post but now it’s becoming exhausting too. I just don’t want to lose that.

So more than anything, I wanted to thank you and send you so much love. To all of you. You’re beautiful. And what you’re doing here, in this community, is making a positive difference in this world. This world definitely needs persons who are able to share some kindness, compassion, altruism and love, just like you do.

There’s no right word to describe how I’m feeling right now, how I’m grateful and proud to know you, to know this community. This magical “unicorn at the end of the rainbow at the end of the Internet”, made with skittles and berries.

Much love, to all of you. :two_hearts:

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You are so welcome and I am sure that I speak for everyone here that we are here for you every step of the way.

Much love

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Hi there,

I’m sorry to update this topic. I just want to share something that is important to me right now. This time not because I need it, but because I want it.

Yesterday, my husband broke up with me, after being together during 8 wonderful years. He didn’t do it cheerfully. There is still love. But he couldn’t handle my situation anymore. He was torturing himself so much because of his own story, his own losses. He’s a good man. But he also carries a lot of suffering. I refuse to be one of them.
Even if I felt it coming these days, I thought we would be stronger than that. But I was wrong. So I let him go. Without arguing, without holding him back, and told him everything would be alright. We both gave up on us. I gave up on the love of my life. And I felt hopeless. In a way that I’d never known before. Repeating to myself “this sickness is taking me everything”, again and again.

I spent the whole last night wishing to die, without suspecting that I could have so much hatred for myself, gathered in only one moment. I had a real opportunity to end my days. I’m fully aware of that. And there would have been no one to hold me back in this particular moment. I tried to join a crisis line, discussed a bit on the HS Discord. But now I’m still here, after spending a night mostly … crying and wandering, without really knowing why. I needed to stay active, to reduce this feeling of panic, to slow down the overwhelming thoughts. Because the mental and physical state in which I was is not who I am.

Earlier today, I read again what you all said and wrote here, @MorganVinHoch, @Eric, @Kayla, @nicole_kaley, @scraycray, @Casers, @Danjo, @scraycray . Several times. And from this, I wrote a kind of contract with myself for the weeks and months to come, while looking at a rising sun. Because I was wrong, the other day, saying doctors are doing everything. My attitude is part of the healing process.

So I want to share this here, because this community matters to me, even though I haven’t been there for a long time. I came here by chance a few months ago and I know it may sounds silly, but HS has a special place in my heart now. It brings me a lot and I hope I would do the same.

Also, because this is a public and really safe place, knowing that it can be potentially read by others allow me to think that I won’t cheat. That I will maintain my commitments by making these decisions permanent. And if that could encourage or provide some comfort to anyone reading this, then I’ll be grateful for this.

Says this:

  • I will recover. From cancer. But also from all of this period. This is non-negotiable.
  • I will be brave, without trying to be Wonder Woman (anyaways, I prefer Batman).
  • I will cherish the Beautiful, the Good, the essentials of existence, even the smallest ones. “Simplify, simplify”, said Thoreau.
  • I will cry and take some rest when I’ll need to, but I’ll also keep laughing as much as I can.
  • I will continue to hold the hand of this community. To read, to discuss, to laugh while watching the streams and to give support and encouragements, as much as I can.
  • Between chemos and medical appointments, I will take advantage of my free time to take care of myself. Starting by reading this pile of books that had been waiting for months. But also to reconnect with passions I had put aside for too long. Photography, crochet, music and - afterwards, dancing (why make choices?).
  • I will give up the fears that have paralyzed me for too long and prevented me from truly living.
  • I will surround myself with the positive and what makes me feel good (starting by decorating this ugly faux-white wall I’m looking at).
  • I will honor the values ​​in which I believe.
    Love, fairness, sharing, caring, respect, curiosity, determination.
  • And from now, I will remind myself that this is not the end of everything.
    This is the beginning of something new.

Much Love.

#always-belong
#unable-to-write-short-posts

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We gotchu. Don’t ever apologize for giving us updates!
Just remember, that if you find some of these things to be too much, that’s okay! We won’t think anything less of you, and we’ll help you in any way we can!

Hold Fast
Kayla

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@MicrosmosK wow I want to say my heart goes out to you. You’ve had the bottom of your world ripped open and reading the commitments you’ve made for yourself is inspiring and touching.

I only know a certain level of your pain I cant imagine overcoming those things along with fighting for your life. You are amazing… resilient… courageous… strong … and beautiful.

Something I find helpful you might add to that is writing in a grateful journal every night before bed… listing out the things that day you are thankful for … no matter how small… it helps to reframe the day and balance out the crappier part of the day when you can hold on to the good things.

Maybe all those things fell away from your life kind of like pruning a tree… to make room for new growth… to push you to a greater more meaningful existence.

I could totally see you leading a support group of others in similar pain or struggling. I can see you inspiring and encouraging others with your strength and insight fulness. I can see you making a bigger difference in this world then your old job. Impacting other human beings in heart felt meaningful ways… those are the true legacies we leave behind.

You inspire me to fight harder, love harder, breath in each moment more, and forgive more.

It was very brave to share all your pain and struggles. I’m so glad you are apart of HS’s family. I have mad love and respect for you. For you I’m going to try harder at overcoming my own struggles. Thank you Micro I’m sorry you have endured so much but I’m grateful to hear how you are taking the reins of your own life and making it what you want it to be no matter what life throws at you. Tightest hug ever in the whole world.

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@TreasureDoll Much love :heart:

The idea of a gratitude journal is so cool. Thank you.
I already found the TopNumberOneFirstEntry of it.


Says: The wonderful message of TreasureDoll and the most intense hug ever.

It’s going to be hard to find something such powerful after that. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

And indeed, you are a Treasure.