I see my therapist tomorrow, but sharing here helps me as well. So the past couple of months had been no good for me. First, I was out of work for two months and denied unemployment. My ten year old had COVID and the 14 day quarantine was tedious. My three year old broke his femur and that four weeks was exhausting trying to work and take care of him. Then one of my grandmothers passed and I could not go to her funeral in Georgia, but we had a memorial here in Ohio.
For my mom’s birthday (November 10th) I took her, my step dad, my oldest son, my sister, and her oldest son to Philadelphia and Atlantic City. Unfortunately I was irritable and miserable because of my PMDD, but what occurred during the trip and even more so on the way home is what has saddened me. My sister is an alcoholic and refuses medication for her mental health. She was paranoid most of the trip and argumentative. Well the day we were supposed to leave she said some nasty things to my grandmother (who’s home we stayed in for a night) and then started an argument with me.
She said we would leave when she was ready so I was ready to leave her in Philly (my grandmother would have brought her home), but my mom asked me to be the mature one and ignore her. When I made that threat she got in the car but her cup was full of alcohol. She then started messing with me while I was driving and risked the lives of everyone in the car. She kept pulling on my seat belt (around my neck) and seat. She also made attempts to put my hoodie over my head/face. Eventually we stopped and my dad took over driving and I went to the back of the van with my son.
She messed with me while I was back there as well and even messed with my son, but because no one would feed into her BS, she started playing signifying music and being loud on the phone. She even cussed out her fiance and talked shit about my parents. Once we got back home in Ohio, my dad went straight to her house to drop her off because he was pissed. She had gotten mad about this (because she didn’t want to go home), threw her stuff and her son’s stuff into the lawn, screamed and shouted at all of us, and stole my mom and my alcohol (closed bottles) from the car. When my dad started pulling off, she put her trashcan behind the car and tried to jump in front of the car as he sped off.
After all she had done, including making the children, my mom, and myself cry, I’ve decided I want nothing to do with her. I have blocked her on social media and her calls and text. I refuse to help her anymore and be her enabler. I’m already dealing with so many of my own problems, including my relapse that I refuse to address at the moment. Disowning my sister feels just as painful as my grandmother’s death, but I cannot trust someone who attempted to kill me and possibly killing everyone else in the car just because she’s a drunk and paranoid. I didn’t even judge her about her drinking or her problems in her home, but she took it too far and she thinks it’s okay and that she’s right for what she did.
She started the argument with me for shaking my head and I was shaking my head because I had just been in a argument through text with my boyfriend. I told her this and she still made it about her. And for me to find out later from my mom that she was jealous that my boyfriend sent me money when I asked. Now I can’t drive without it feeling like someone is pulling on my seat and seat belt even when I am alone in the car. I can’t stop feeling sad and hurt after all unfortunate events. I am having nightmares and intimacy issues because it’s almost the anniversary of my sexual assault. I feel like I cannot sleep with my boyfriend unless I am tipsy or drunk. When I am not that way I feel awkward or I reject him whether I am asleep or awake. What makes me feel worse is that this is something that has to be fixed without medication or talking about it to my therapist.
I just am so mixed up right now because I am happy and heartbroken all in one swing.
And I’m glad you have a therapist and you feel able to talk to them about this stuff but I am curious about something you mention. At the end you say that “this is something that has to be fixed without medication or talking about it to my therapist”. Why do you feel like you cannot talk to your therapist about your intimacy issue with your boyfriend? If I’m reading that correctly, of course, and if not I apologise for my confusion. But if I am reading it correctly then I’m very curious why you feel this way. Your therapist is there to talk to and to be on your side and help you through all of your struggles. So I hope you are able to talk to them about your intimacy issue so they can try helping you. I wish you all the best and I hope you take care of yourself. Keep on keeping on