Disregarded and thrown to the curb

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I was in this one discord server that was owned by an ex-friend of mine. It was the only server I was really comfortable in and used all the time. One day I was just banned from it, with no warning or explanation. I think the friend that owthe server’s silent anger finally boiled over despite being telling me to let everything go which I like to think I have. I thought we were at the point where we could at least co-exist in a server. I’ve tried asking our mutual friends to ask her for me why I was kicked out (since she has ignored my messages asking why for about 2 months now) and they declined which is understandable and I didn’t want to force them into anything. But the thing is that was where I had contact with all my friends who will still put in effort in conversations. So I made a new server with all of them, the first problem came when one person joined from a link in my instagram profile who was not on good terms with 4 others in the server, I was able to convince everyone to stay and the one person agreed that if any trouble arose it was ok to kick him with no hard feelings because he understood the complexity of the situation. The problem is because of that none of those people talk in the server at all, there are others who do talk occasionally but its really just me talking to myself and my brother/like 2 other people chiming in a little. I’m really trying to get it off the ground and its my only source of communication with anyone other than my family right now. Earlier this year before I joined the first server I was feeling extremely depressed because of the lack of interaction I was having with anyone I knew. And its coming back, I’m trying so hard to get people to say something but it just feels like no one wants to talk to me at all. My only hope for keeping the friendships I still have by a thread is when we do hybrid classes at school in a few weeks. Its really like my efforts do nothing. I want to talk to them and hear their voices but its like I dont even exist. Like I’m the only person putting effort in the relationships of 3/4 of the people I know. My best friend stopped talking to me entirely (we didn’t fight it was more of a drift apart thing) but she was my rock and the one person I could really rely on. I miss her so much. I’m trying so hard. Its like no one loves me the way I live them. Like I’m the only person who cares about our friendships. But nothings working

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I’m having a full breakdown now, I’m just thinking about how many people have left me in such a short time. I try to tell them how lonely I feel but ita never taken seriously because everyone’s just like “lol same” I reread a letter my best friend gave me a while ago. It’s was a lot about how much she loves me and misses me. It made me feel so good. Well, it would if she didn’t stop talking to me. I miss her so much. I miss everyone. There’s so many people that told me their darkest secrets and now I dont even know who they are anymore.

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Hi @blumbus. I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble understanding why your friends are acting like they are. I don’t know that I have anything to say to help you feel better, or help you to understand. I can tell you I know some of how you feel, though, even if things are a bit different for me. I tend to talk to people I consider my friend and then I wait for a reply. And sometimes I wait and I wait. And I wait. And then it’s six months or almost a year later, and I’m still waiting for the other person to talk to me. Like, why am I the only one who put in the work? I know people get busy. But it makes me feel like I was forgotten about in the interim. Or maybe I’m being a pain in the whoozawhatsit. And they don’t want me around anymore. In the grand scheme of things, six months isn’t long, but for me… It’s forever.

Sometimes the other person gets busy. Sometimes the person gets something in their head and instead of talking about it, shuts the other person off. Some people get scared when they tell someone something very personal and shut off whomever they told. Sometimes there is no good reason for why a friendship fizzles out; it just is. Each one you lose piles up and makes you wonder why everyone seems to be able to leave.

I know your friend isn’t talking to you at the moment, but take heart in her words. She wrote them because she meant them. I know that’s little comfort when you feel alone, but her being gone from you doesn’t make them a lie. It makes them more precious because she told you that you are worthy of love. That there is someone who sees you and loves you for who you are. If you never get any of those people back, there will be someone in the future who will love you the same as she did, maybe even better.

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time, and I hope things look up for you soon.

Daisy :heart:

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Dear @blumbus,

Thank you so much for being here and sharing all of this. It truly breaks my heart to hear how you were kicked out of this Discord server without any explanation, then ignored and having to deal with all of this awkwardness. It makes sense to have a breakdown and even wondering if this is about you, but I promise you it’s not. It’s just the situation that really sucks and, sometimes, when a group of people is involved (even indirectly) in an argument that wasn’t addressed properly, they just feel like walking on eggshells and prefer to keep their distance.

It’s heartbreaking though, because I hear the fact that you really, really try to invest yourself in those relationships so they could feel more comfortable with putting all of this behind you. Unfortunately, there is a point in any relationship when there’s only so much we can do. We can’t control others behavior, we can only do our best to let them show their bright side… but the choice to react in a mature and thoughtful way or not belongs to them.

I’m really sorry, friend. I’ve never been in that kind of situation but I’ve definitely been ghosted in the past by people who I thought were friends. I didn’t receive any explanation. It just happened. And as we both have friends in common, it just made it very ankward and distressing to me, but I didn’t really have any space to talk about it either. I cried a lot. I asked myself what I did wrong, again and again. I felt like a huge burden and, to some point, I was wondering if my other friends were talking to me out of pity or not. It’s really touggh and it really is a grief process. But I can promise you that time helps to heal those wounds. It really does.

If your friends had or have a problem with you, they should just talk to you. I know it’s uncomfortable, but relationships need that sometimes to function. You know that too, and it seems that you really tried your best until now. And if both parties are willing to make it work, then they just practice a little more honesty and don’t use unhealthy ways to deal with the situation, such as a silent treatment. It’s not your fault.

Now, a question remains: what would you like to do with those current friends who don’t seem to be willing to make much effort in addressing the issue directly? It sounds that there will be a point when a decision would have to be made between leaving them or not, just because in the long run this could be a lot more hurtful for you. I know this question is probably very scary right now though, especially since, as you said, those people are your only social circle right now. But you also deserve to be respected and surrounded by people who are willing to have healthy relationships with you. Your heart is a secret place, my friend. It deserves to be treated well. With love, compassion, respect and when something goes wrong, a mature approach.

I know it’s probably different, but I want you to know that you truly have friends who care about you right here in this community. And I’d like to invite you to come hang out with us on the different platforms that HS (and HS-network) occupies, hoping that you could find some place where you’d feel safe, loved and accepted too. Know that you already have all of those things here. You don’t need to do or say anything to be loved. Always. During your best and darkest times. Just being you, just being here, is a real blessing.

You are so, so loved. Take care dear Blumbus. :hrtlegolove:

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