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Dissociation

I have struggled with depressIon, anxiety, ocd, and dissociation (depersonalization and derealization) for a long time now. Everything has always been manageable up until December. I’ve been working a very stressful job and life has been very stressful these past couple of years, but December I had two very bad panic attacks back to back one at work and one while driving.

I have completely dissociated. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything. Life doesn’t feel real but when I realize life is real it also scares me. I haven’t been able to find a new job and just recently have been able to leave my house. I’m tired of the daily panic attacks. I’m tired of the hopeless feelings. I’m tired of waking up like this every day with no breaks in it. I’m tired of my boyfriend and daughter feeling like strangers. I’m tired of never feeling safe and even my own home looking strange. Now with this pandemic scare it’s even harder to believe this is real life, and even scarier to know it is.

It just feels hopeless to recover. I know people do but I’ve been working on recovering for months now and I feel like I’m just getting worse.

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Hey, Marina

Man, sounds like you have a lot of heavy emotions and stress weighing down on you right now. And I’m so sorry that you are struggling. I know that when things get feeling so heavy it can be so easy to just detach. A safety and defense mechanism of our own mind. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to have panic attacks in the workplace or driving. As someone who has severe anxiety and prone to anxiety/panic attacks unless medicated, I know how stressful and on edge it can keep you when you’re stressed and in a place that lacks a space that feels safe. To recollect.

I can only imagine how challenging it must be to feel so strangered to your own spouse and child. To feel so overwhelmed that you lose touch with that. While I cannot relate to that specific thing, what I can relate to is the daily anxiety, the daily panic, the daily feelings of hopelessness. Feeling detached from yourself. I can relate to that on so many levels. I was just telling my partner and best friend last night how terrified I am because I can feel myself slipping. I can feel my mental health deteriorating. I fear losing touch with myself and my mind. I have felt so beside myself and I don’t always know how to explain what I mean by that and how to put into words what is happening. I know I may not know exactly what you are going through and feeling. But I can feel parts of what you express deeply.

This whole corona thing, yes. Just adds a whole other layer of stress and worry on top of what already exists. It’s scary. And it’s impacting so many lives in such a big way. People losing jobs, held from traveling, struggling to get basic needs.

Friend, I know that things feel so hopeless right now, but things can get better. There is light in all of this darkness. You have a boyfriend and daughter that Im sure loves you so much. Sometimes in my journey of healing, I feel like Im going to get worse before better. I see how many layers of pain and hurt that I have to get through before I reach the place I want, and it can feel so discouraging.

You are among friends. You are among a community that is family. Where you are a part of that family. You are in a place where you can share as much of your heart that you need to. I know that we can’t resolve all of the burdens that you may carry, but we can encourage you and offer you understanding.

I’m going to leave you with a few links okay?

  • Discord: If you aren’t already in it, a great place to connect to other people who can relate. Were a community where we are all hurting and supporting one another through our different journeys. https://discord.gg/f4Vumq

  • https://heartsupport.com/resources/ There are some great resources that you can take advantage of here. Including books for depression and self harm. And some online counseling where there is a 7 day free trial to use.

Stay strong friend. Thinking of you.
hugs

  • Kitty

Stay positive. I know things are hard at the moment. Life has it’s up and downs and throws curve balls sometimes.
I am no stranger to this. But I find journaling and meditation have significantly helped. When you write it down on paper you don’t have to think as much and it helps you process things better. You can always look back to it when you feel the need. Breathing exercises/meditation also work because oxygen is often altered during panic attacks. Meditation helps you regulate it.

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Hello,

I am sorry to hear about what your going through! Continue to get counseling and get all the needed treatments and remember don’t give up, something can breakthrough in your life. If the job is not what you like or is too stressful just remember this just is not your final job. Don’t give up looking for another job where you have more peace and is less stressful. Even Though you’re going through this your daughter and your boyfriend have love for you.
Just remember hope!

God bless and if you didn’t know I want to tell you that you are loved by Jesus he will never leave you nor forsake you, you can always talk to him no matter what you went through or what you feel like. John 3:16 “ For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son that whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

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